


Things That Crumble In Little Pieces

by lilaussieauthor



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017), Riverdale - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Astraphobia, Cheryl Blossom Needs a Hug, F/F, Fluff, Jealousy, Nightmares, OCD, Panic Attacks, Sickfic, Smut, Toni Topaz Needs a Hug, clingy cheryl blossom, clingy toni topaz, fear of storms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 03:54:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 39,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17460161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilaussieauthor/pseuds/lilaussieauthor
Summary: Little bits and pieces of Choni because RAS won't give it to us so I shall





	1. Calm in the Storm

**Author's Note:**

> Uh... hi. This is my first ao3 fic, usually I use ff.net but I've been having a few issues with it soooo... here we are. I'm also gonna post my Beronica stuff on here so check it out if that sorta stuff tickles your fancy. Um yeah. Hope y'all liked the mid-season return and the Choni declaration *screams* Goodnight from moi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni's pretty tough - hell, she's a serpent, she has to be. But there's one - no, wait, two, - things that can break her.

“Oi, Jughead.” Toni’s voice and posture are firm but Jughead knows she’s hiding something. 

“What’s up, Topaz?” Jug asks, shutting his laptop quickly. 

She struts into his trailer, sitting on the table next to him. “Can I borrow your bike?” 

Jughead snorts. “In this weather? No way, Toni. I’m not gonna be responsible for your death and therefore introduce myself to the wrath of Cheryl Blossom.” 

Toni ducks her head. “Jug…” 

Jughead sighs. “Why do you need my bike, Toni?” 

Toni’s voice cracks. “It’s storming, Juggie. I need Cheryl.” 

Jughead sighs again. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” she whispers. “Fine.” 

He smiles. “Then you don’t need my bike.” 

Toni sobs and when she looks up her eyes are bright. “Do you just get off on making me upset, Jones? Or do you actually wanna help a mate out for once? I’m petrified right now and I really want my girlfriend, and if I have to walk to thistle house I will but I’m gonna have a lot less panic attacks if you can lend me your bike.” 

Jughead’s grin drops and he stands up, folds her into a hug, and whispers into her ear. “I’ll drive you.” 

She deflates. “Thanks, Jug.” 

Ten minutes later and they’re on his bike, speeding towards Thistle House, and Toni’s gripping Jug’s waist and burying her head in his back to try to block out the sounds of the the storm they’re racing through. 

When they finally pull up the driveway to Cheryl’s house, they’re both soaking, Toni can’t breathe and Jughead feels increasingly sorry for the pink headed girl behind him. 

“Toni,” he starts, but she sobs and scrambles off the bike towards the front door.

Cheryl answers after their second knock, and as soon as she sees Toni she gasps and folds the girl into her arms.

“Tee Tee,” she mumbles. “What’s wrong, boo?” 

“Storm,” Toni chokes out, and Cheryl pulls her inside and shuts the door in Jughead’s face. 

As soon as Toni’s inside her anxiety worsens and she finds it hard to breathe, but Cheryl holds her close as she pulls the shorter girl upstairs and helps her out of her sopping clothes. Toni stands in Cheryl’s room in her underwear, shivering violently, tears streaming down her face. An extra loud clap of thunder sounds and Toni sobs and Cheryl stops what she’s doing and folds her girlfriend into her arms, rubbing her bare back until she stops shaking. 

“Tee,” Cheryl whispers. “Wanna get some warmer clothes on?” 

Toni nods, but as Cheryl goes to walk away she’s stopped by Toni’s cries. “Don’t leave,” Toni murmurs. “Don’t leave me.”

Cheryl softens. “I’m not, baby girl. Just gonna get you some pyjamas.” 

She pulls away and finds a fluffy red robe that she wraps around Toni’s shaking figure, and then pulls the shorter girl closer, holding her tight. She manoeuvres both of them so they’re laying under the covers, wrapped up tight, and then Cheryl murmurs stupid little nothings into Toni’s ear to distract her from the storm outside. 

A flash of lightning lights up the room and Toni produces a low keen, clutching at Cheryl, shaking violently. Cheryl, her heart breaking as she watches Toni sob, wraps the shorter girl up as tight as she can against her and presses a quick kiss to the shaking girl’s lips, stroking her hair as the thunder rolls behind them.

Toni listens to the storm and god, why is it so loud? She wants to cry louder and she wants to be needy and she wants to scream but goddammit she’s the serpent, she’s the one in the gang and she’s supposed to be the tough one in their odd little pairing, but she can’t be tough right now, the storm, oh god, “Cheryl, the storm!”

Cheryl nods. “Scary, right? It’s okay, TeeTee. I got you.”

Cheryl holds Toni tighter and begins to hum a little random tune, her lips vibrating against Toni’s head. Toni opens her eyes and looks up at her girlfriend and a little smile spreads across her worried face as she watches Cheryl, until Cher’s eyes open too and Toni leans up and presses her lips to the redhead’s, rolling on top of her so she’s straddling Cheryl’s waist and prying Cheryl’s lips open so she can slip her tongue inside. Cheryl giggles and gives Toni a special smile that she saves only for her, kissing her back until the smaller girl pulls away and snuggles into Cheryl’s side, content to be cared for, just this once.


	2. It's not you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just after 3x09 so *SPOILERS*   
> I didn't think Toni would be automatically chill with what happened so I wrote this haha

Toni couldn’t believe he’d kicked them out. She was a serpent by blood, for god’s sake. He couldn’t just… get rid of her. 

But he had. He had, and now she and Fangs and Cheryl weren’t southside serpents anymore. 

Oh, god, Cheryl. 

She turned to the redhead, who was prancing around their room, putting little stolen goods all around, decorating the already exclusive room with their looted trinkets. The taller girl turned towards Toni, grinning down at her. “So that didn’t go so well, but at least it’s just us now!”

Toni clenched her teeth. “Cher…” 

Cheryl smirked. “What? Ready for more, my little snake?” 

Toni felt angry tears prick at the back of her eyes. “What are you doing, Cheryl?” Her voice was resigned, broken, incomplete, and Cheryl wavered for a second before smirking again.

“Celebrating our newfound freedom, mi amor, what else?” 

“No…” Toni blinked to try and stop her tears. “No, Cher, this isn’t you...”

“What do you mean, babe? I’m right here, 100% Blossom perfection.” She gave Toni a dazzling grin and Toni turned away, stepping towards the door. 

“I’m sleeping in the spare room.” 

Cheryl balked. “What? No, Tee Tee, what do you mean?” 

Toni took a deep breath. “You just got me kicked out of my family, you don’t even seem to care, you got my best friend kicked out, and you’re acting like this prim privileged bitch and I don’t want to be in the same room as you at the moment, Cheryl, so please, leave me alone.” 

Cheryl scoffed. “Firstly, your family? Toni, they just kicked us out. Family don’t do that.” 

“So what do you call what you did to your mother, Cheryl?” 

Cheryl pursed her lips, her eyes blazing. “She is not my family.” 

Toni shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. “Well, the serpents are mine and thanks to you, they’ve been ripped away from me, just like everyone else.” 

Cheryl softened. “Okay, I’m sorry, Tee, but I’m still here. And I won’t let anyone rip me away from you.” 

Toni shook her head again. “You’re not right here. You’ve been replaced with whatever inner demon possesses you at school, this mean girl rich bitch persona you had going on before I turned up, and I don’t like it! This… Cher, at the moment, you’re… you’re not the girl I fell in love with.”

Cheryl turned away, and Toni glimpsed a tear fall down her pale cheek. She took a deep breath and sighed, stepping lightly out the door and down the hallway to the spare room. She was just laying her jacket – oh, god her serpent jacket – down on the bed when there was a sniffle behind her. 

“What, Cher?” She asked, tired and not ready to deal with anything. 

Cheryl looked up at her, her pale face red and swollen. “Toni, I…” A harsh sob escaped her lips. “I’m so, so sorry.” 

Toni wasn’t quite ready to forgive her just yet, so she watched the redhead cry with her arms crossed over her chest. “Why.” 

Cheryl cried harder. “I’m such a bitch, Toni, and I don’t want to be, I swear, b-but, it’s so m-much ea-easier than be-being myself, be-because I’m so broken and I-I don’t know how to fix myself, and in-instead I ju-just take all the p-pain and force it on ot-others and I sw-swear I did-didn’t want to hurt you, Tee Tee, I just want to be fix-fixed!” With this, she completely broke down, crumpling to the floor and burying her face in her shaking hands. 

Toni sighed and crouched down next to her girlfriend, rubbing her back. “Just breathe, Cher. It’s okay, just breathe, I got you.” 

About five minutes later, Toni’s efforts were merited and Cheryl looked up, tear tracks oh so wet on her swollen cheeks. “I completely understand.” Cheryl whispered, pulling away from Toni. 

Toni was so, so tired, and so confused. “Huh?” 

“You want to break up with me. I understand. I would want to break up with me too.”

“Oh, baby,” Toni murmured. “I don’t want to break up with you, okay? I promise. Sure, I’m a bit mad, but that’s okay, everyone has fights, and I love you, so I’m not gonna let this get in the way of how I feel about you. But – one condition, okay?” 

Cheryl nodded.

Toni looked at her seriously. “You don’t get to be rich bitch around me, okay? And not around my friends. I can’t stop you at school, but if you take that privileged, basic attitude around me, or Sweet Pea, or Fangs or the other serpents I *will* break up with you.” 

Cheryl nodded. “I’m so sorry, Toni. I swear.” 

Toni gave her a soft, tired smile. “I know you are, babe. Are you ready to just forget about this and move on?” 

Cheryl gave her a teary, cheeky grin. “One condition?” 

Toni let out a short laugh. “Anything, Cher.” 

“Come back to my room?” 

Toni laughed, standing up and pulling her girlfriend up with her. “Come here, you,” she mumbled, pulling Cheryl to her and holding her tight. “I love you, okay?”

Cheryl gave a tired nod. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I posted the first chapter LaSt nIgHt and already there's been so much love. Y'all mean the world to me xx


	3. Nothing Else Matters When You're Upset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choni's fighting (kinda) but something much worse happens and they're put in perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ily babes. enjoy. as always, comments appreciated - they make my day. i love you all

Toni sighs when she sees Betty Cooper – the girl’s been trying to talk to her for weeks about her Poisons and the serpents and Toni can’t be bothered, god knows she’s got enough on her mind with Cheryl and the gang and working for Veronica. But there’s no escaping – they’re alone in the hallway, no exit sign in sight, and Toni resigns herself to her fate.

But Betty has different ideas. “Toni,” she pants, screeching to a stop. “Great, I was just looking for you. I need help, I can’t be emotional support for Veronica _and_ Cheryl, it’s too much, so go fix your girlfriend.”

Toni frowns. “Wait, I’m so confused. Where’s Cheryl?”

“Sobbing,” Betty says matter-of-factly. “In the second bathroom on the first floor. I don’t know if she wants to see you but I’d go anyway because otherwise she’s going to kill someone. Good luck.”

The so called ‘serpent queen’ dashes off, probably to make out with Jughead or fix Veronica’s issues or set another building on fire, Toni doesn’t know. But she’s more occupied with the thought of Cheryl – sure,  she thinks as she beelines to the second bathroom on whatever floor who knows where. Sure, they’ve been having issues, but sobbing at school? That was a new low for her HBIC girlfriend.

She doesn’t have to remember which bathroom it was because Cheryl’s crying so loudly Toni can navigate there with her ears. She pauses before the door, wondering if she might make this worse rather than better, but then she thinks about how much time she’s allocated to Cher lately and maybe this is what they both need.

“Cher?” She calls, sticking her head around the door. The redhead is sitting in the corner under the taps, and Toni realises that this isn’t about the tiny angst they’ve been having, this is bad.

She pulls her body through the entrance and crouches down next to Cheryl, her eyes scouting the redhead’s body and picking up facts that only someone close to her could realise.

Yes, her girlfriend’s having a panic attack. Yes, she’s been pinching herself. Yes, she’s shaking real bad, and yeah, this isn’t good. Toni picks all this up in under a second, dropping into a squat and placing her hand on the floor between herself and Cheryl.

“Babe?” Toni asks quietly. “Cher, it’s me, can I touch you?”

Cheryl whimpers, turning her teary face to meet Toni’s. “TT…”

“I’m just here,” she whispers, and all of the sudden their angst is forgotten and she’s back to caring girlfriend, support group 101.

“Toni,” Cheryl whispers, more tears cascading down her face. Her hair is tied back in a high pony, the picture of elegance, but there are mascara tracks down her cheeks and her lipstick is smudged, tears clinging to her lashes and then falling in streaks.

Toni maneuvers herself closer and sits crosslegged, pulling Cheryl, despite her complaints, into her lap. Cheryl starts to cry again, nuzzling into the shorter girl, all issues in their relationship forgotten in the face of whatever’s gone so terribly wrong.

“Cher, baby,” Toni murmurs, the picture of calm. “Talk to me, please, babe. Can you tell me why you’re so upset?”

Cheryl shakes her head frantically, her body shaking with sobs as Toni holds her tight.

“Okay,” Toni soothes. “Okay, baby, it’s gonna be alright.”

“Toni,” Cheryl breathes, her tears never-ending, clinging to the smaller girl.

“I’m right here,” Toni assures her. “Cheryl, can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

It was a mistake, Toni realises, as Cheryl sobs harder. “Okay,” she says quickly. “Why can’t you tell me? Is it because it hurts?”

Cheryl shrugs, burying her face deeper in Toni’s Poisons jacket, breathing in her musky, _Toni_ smell.

“Is it about me?” Toni asks quietly, and Cheryl doesn’t respond except for letting out a low moan.

“Okay,” Toni says softly. “Cher, look at me. Look at me, baby. Come on. Meet my eyes, Cheryl, please.”

The redhead hesitates before locking teary eyes upon concerned brown ones. “That’s a girl,” Toni murmurs, resting her forehead against Cheryl’s and allowing her fingers to stroke Cheryl’s neck. “Okay, Cher, babe, I’m not gonna be mad, okay? At least, not at you. I promise. Can you tell me, though – was it you? Is this about something you’ve done?”

Cheryl shakes her head, no, blinking as a couple more tears fall down her swollen cheeks, tears Toni’s only too quick to press her lips to.

“Okay, babe,” Toni says, giving her a soft smile. “That makes me happy.”

There’s a ghost of a smile on Cheryl’s lips, too, and Toni, unable to help herself, quickly presses a kiss to her girlfriend’s red lips, giving them a soft bite.

Cheryl leans into Toni’s touch before sobbing into her mouth and pulling away. “Toni…”

The gang member nods. “I know, Cher. Now, you let me know, okay? You tell me what happened?”

“I don’t… wanna say it,” Cheryl whispers, reaching up to kiss Toni’s cheek. “I can’t, Toni.”

The shorter girl nods. “Okay, baby. Can you tell me who it involves?”

Cheryl nods. “My… mother.” More tears. “She’s a hag, Toni, and I’m not like her!”

“I know you’re not,” Toni reminds her, trying to calm her down again. “I _know_ , Cheryl, okay? You’re not like her.”

Cheryl nods, catching her breath. “If I… I want you to know, TT… if I tell you, you gotta… I’d never say this, okay? It’s not me…”

“It’s not you, baby,” Toni breathes, her lips against Cheryl’s temple.

The redhead nods, starting to cry again. “I can’t look at you. I can’t say it to your face.”

Toni gently guides Cheryl’s head down to rest on her shoulder, so that the redhead’s facing away from her. “I can still hear you, Cher. Tell the wall, okay?”

Cheryl nods, wrapping her arms tighter around her girlfriend, closing her eyes. “She…” She breaks off, crying harder.

“It’s okay, baby,” Toni whispers, trailing her fingers up and down Cheryl’s back. “Talk to the wall.”

When Cheryl speaks again, it’s so quiet that Toni almost doesn’t hear it. “She called you a dyke.”

Toni shudders involuntarily – it’s not like she hasn’t heard it before, but Cheryl’s _mum_? That was calling her own child a slur and that was not right.

Cheryl’s looking up at her, eyes filling with more tears.

“Hey,” Toni says quietly. “I love you, okay?”

Cheryl nods, her lip wobbling. “I’m sorry, Toni. I’m so sorry.”

“You aren’t your mother,” Toni whispers. “Okay? You aren’t her. You have nothing to be sorry about.” She lets her hand run under Cheryl’s top, glazing over her warm skin. Cheryl snuggles in, letting Toni’s hand soothe her, before Toni lets it run up and she finds that Cheryl’s not wearing a bra.

“Cheeky,” she murmurs, but Cheryl’s biting her lip, her face scrunched in pain.

“Cher,” Toni whispers. “Baby…”

Cheryl pulls her top up, exposing bright red welts. Toni swears, a hissed ‘ _fuck_ ’, and Cheryl starts to cry again, pulling it back over, and curling into Toni.

“When did she do that, baby?”

“This morning,” Cheryl whimpers, her arms slung around Toni’s neck. “I’m sorry, Toni.”

“Do _not_ apologise,” Toni hisses at her, and Cheryl grizzles, scrunching her face up. Toni softens. “Can I kill your mum?”

“Believe me,” Cheryl bleats. “I’ve _tried_.”

Toni laughs, pulling the other girl closer in and pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “I love you, bombshell.”

Cheryl smiles. “I love you too, Toni.”


	4. And I Will Try To Fix You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl has to meet the serpents and has last minute anxiety over the face that they *helped* *murder* *her* *brother* Obviously, Toni helps.

“I DON’T WANT TO,” Cheryl stomped her feet and frowned down at Toni who was lying on her bed. “IT’S NOT FAIR, T! I WILL NOT BE MADE TO TALK TO THOSE SCUMBAGS WITH DIGNITY AND GRACE! I WON’T!”

Toni sighed. “Cher…” 

Angry tears rolled down Cheryl’s face as she dropped down to the floor, punching the carpet. “THEY HELPED MURDER MY TWIN, TONI!” She let out a low growl and kicked at her bed, shaking it and dislodging a pillow. Toni looked down at her girlfriend, whose face was almost as red as her hair, heaved herself off the bed with a sigh and crouched down next to Cheryl. Cheryl gave a ‘hmph’, and turned away. 

“Cheryl, babe,” Toni said softly. “Look at me.” 

“No,” Cheryl said stubbornly. 

Toni clenched her teeth. “Cheryl.” Her voice was firm. 

Cheryl reluctantly turned towards her girlfriend, but the moment she met Toni’s caring eyes she started to cry, tears rolling down her cheeks. 

“Aw, baby,” Toni said softly. “It’s okay, Cher. It’s gonna be okay.” She stood up and pulled Cheryl with her, folding the taller girl into her arms. Cheryl made a sad sound and nuzzled her face into Toni’s warm neck, slowly calming down as the shorter girl held her close. When she felt composed enough she pulled her face slowly from Toni’s neck and wiped her eyes silently, locking eyes with her girlfriend. 

“Are you okay?” Toni asked quietly, and Cheryl nodded, snuggling back into her girlfriend tiredly. 

“I’ll go,” she spoke into Toni’s shoulder. “I’ll go, but promise you’ll be with me.” 

Toni carefully pulled Cheryl’s face up to meet her own. “Every.” She pressed a kiss to Cheryl’s eyelid. “Step.” Another kiss, to her other eyelid. “Of.” A kiss on her forehead. “The.” Her nose. “Way.” Her lips.

Cheryl deflated and pulled Toni back into a hug, wanting to hold her as close as she could, forever and ever and ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know... I just didn't really think that Cheryl would be totally cool with meeting the serpents straight away considering how upset she was with FP when he was on trial... just an idea, constructive feedback is cool, don't hate me :/


	5. Sometimes it gets a little too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Shawn Mendes. I was listening to it when I thought of the idea?   
> Cheryl's overwhelmed with her feelings after never feeling much towards anybody, other than Jason. It's scary, loving someone.

Cheryl stiffened as she felt it all come over her, all at once. She watched Toni, fast asleep, her hand tucked under her chin and her cheek resting on Cheryl’s shoulder, looking like the softest gang member that had ever existed. 

And, like many times in the last few weeks, Cheryl was crying. She wasn’t quite sure why, and she didn’t want to wake Toni, so she did what everyone did when crying – she looked at something to cheer her up. This particular ‘something’ was Toni Topaz, who…

…was staring right back up at her, a concerned from gracing her pretty face. “Cher?” She whispered softly. “Is everything okay?” 

Cheryl let out a small whimper and Toni murmured, sitting up and pulling the redhead to her chest. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”

Cheryl giggled wetly before the sad, numb feeling came back over her and she cried a little bit harder. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Toni,” she whispered, tear tracks making their way down her cheeks. 

Toni kissed her head. “Talk to me.” 

Cheryl, looking at Toni’s beautiful, caring face, sobbed. “I love you.” 

Toni smiled, confused. “I love you too, baby-”

Cheryl shook her head. “No, Toni, I love you too much. I’ve… I’ve never felt like this, ever, for anyone, and it scares me! It scares me, so damn much, Toni. I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s so intense.” 

Toni kissed Cheryl’s head. “I can back off a bit?” 

Cheryl flinched. “No. No! Don’t. Definitely don’t. Please, Toni. I’m just. I’m petrified! What if I lose you? I can’t lose you, I wouldn’t make it, you don’t understand… I love you so much and it’s putting me in danger because if I lose you now I’ll die and I’m so, so scared, Toni. I’m so scared.” 

Toni was almost in tears herself. “I love you too, Cher. And I know it’s really scary, and I’m happy to back off a bit while you’re sorting out your feelings, but know this – firstly, I love you as much as you love me, okay? Everything you’re feeling, I feel it too, Cher, I promise. And it is scary, I know it is. And secondly – you are not gonna lose me, okay? I won’t allow it. Because if I lose you I will also die, so I’m not going anywhere, I promise. Okay?”

Cheryl nodded, wiping her cheeks. “I love you, Toni Topaz,” she whispered quietly, pressing a kiss to her girlfriend’s lips. “So, so much.” 

Toni grinned. “I’m never gonna get sick of you saying that, Cheryl. I love you too, baby girl. So, so much.”


	6. Do dogs think in barks?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt from https://www.wattpad.com/468179977-writing-prompts-dialogue-prompts

“Do you think dogs think in barks?” 

Cheryl sighed. “Toni, go to sleep.” 

The serpent giggled. “No, seriously.” 

Cheryl pressed a kiss to her girlfriend’s temple. “I don’t know, babe, why don’t you go ask one?” 

Toni grinned. “Is that your blessing for us getting a dog?” 

Cheryl kicked her under the covers. “No!”

Toni pouted, rolling over and pressing her forehead against Cheryl’s. “Why so grumpy?” 

Cheryl sighed. “Because, T.T, it’s two am and I wanna sleep.” 

Toni bit back a grin. “Poor lil Cheryl bombshell, needs her beauty rest.”

“Damn right I do,” Cheryl murmured. “Do you think I look this good effortlessly?”

“Who said you looked good?” 

Cheryl blushed. “You sure seemed to think so last night.” She rolled over and closed her eyes. “Goodnight, Toni.” 

It was silent for a minute before Cheryl was alerted to small, wet kisses being pressed to her back. 

“Toni,” she groaned, rolling over. Toni wore a cheeky grin, her eyes bright in the dark. 

“Hi, baby,” she whispered. “Still sleepy?” A tan hand made its way down, bitten down nails trailing across Cheryl’s alabaster stomach and stopping at the top of her pelvis. 

Cheryl whimpered. “Toni…” 

Toni grinned, trailing kisses down the redhead’s stomach. “Still wanna sleep?” 

Cheryl let out a breathy moan. “God, no.”


	7. Let Me Love You

Toni stepped a foot closer to Cheryl. "Cheryl," she whispered. "Let me love you." 

Cheryl shook her head. "I can't." 

"Why not?" Toni thought she would cry. "Why, Cher? Why?" 

"My mother will... Hurt you," Cheryl murmured, but Toni could tell she was breaking. 

"I don't care," she whispered. "Not one bit." 

"I care," Cheryl said softly, a tear tracking down her pale cheek. "I care so much." 

Toni traced her long fingers across Cheryl's cheekbone, slipping a lock of red hair behind Cheryl's ear. "I'm not going to let some prim mother stop me from following my heart," she breathed, leaning forward to capture Cheryl's lips with her own. 

At first, the redhead struggled, but then she melted into the kiss with a sigh, wrapping her skinny wrists around Toni's body, one on her waist, one on her neck. Toni pulled away to breathe, licked her lips and moved straight back in. Cheryl swallowed thickly and allowed Toni to lead the kiss, moving her lips against Toni's softly. Toni kissed Cheryl over and over again, and then held her lips in a kiss while she ran her hands through that fiery red hair. Cheryl let out a shuddering breath and pulled Toni back to her, and Toni met her waiting lips with a smile, gently prying Cheryl's lips apart and slipping her tongue in to play with the redheads.


	8. Pretty Poisons or Prettily Poisoned?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a prompt from @chillingchoni on twitter. Hope it lives up to your standards, i loved writing this. basically, a heathers-like event occurs and Toni realises she's wrong to leave Cheryl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of suicide and abuse so be careful i don't wanna hurt any of you. i love you all, comments and kudos appreciated :)

Sending the text is the hardest thing Cheryl’s ever done. 

**I’ll be home about 5.30 so you can pick up the rest then**

She doesn’t add kisses. She doesn’t delete their previous conversations. She just sends it and turns her phone off, ignoring the messages from everyone and curling up to go to sleep. 

0o0o0

Her mother’s been. Cheryl can smell her signature poignant perfume, and it almost makes her gag. She wonders why her mother was in her room and coughs, sitting up and rubbing her eyes, checking the time – 4.00, she can still sleep before Toni comes over, if she even comes. Cheryl reaches across to the ever-present glass of water on her nightstand and chugs it all, swallowing thickly before curling back up around her pillow – it still smells like Toni, she wants her so much – and letting her tears drift her into oblivion. 

0o0o0

Toni’s not sure why she’s here. Sure, there’s some of her stuff in Cheryl’s room, but she’s gone without belongings before, she could do it again. 

A little part of her wants to see the redhead, longing for a fight, perhaps, or maybe for a make up so she can move back in off the streets. She takes a deep breath and pulls her key out, unlocking the door and then leaving it on the bench with a sense of finality. 

“Cheryl?” She calls, to no answer. Maybe she invited her when she would be out. Maybe it was purposeful. She makes her way up the stairs in trepidation, a sense of unease settling over her as she realises Penelope’s been here, and knocks gently on Cheryl’s door before gently pushing it open. “Cheryl?” She asks again, and pokes her head around the door, unwillingly smiling softly at the sight of the redhead, fast asleep, her face peaceful but – tearstained? 

She notices the box of her possessions near the door, a coldly scribbled ‘Antoinette’ written on a post-it adorning the box. She thinks about just grabbing it, taking it home and leaving right this instance, but Cheryl’s asleep and she wants to say goodbye once and for all. 

She makes her way stealthily over to the four poster bed, memories flooding her without warning. 

_‘I love you.’ ‘I love you.’_

_‘What do you want, night hag?’_

_‘I’m coocoo bananas for you.’_

Toni shakes her head, wiping hastily at her eyes. Why did they manage to break everything good about their relationship? Why had it had to end?

She sits gently on the very edge of the bed, looking down at Cheryl’s peaceful face, allowing the tears to finally fall. The redhead doesn’t move, and Toni has to withhold her sobs so she doesn’t wake her ex lover, but they’re there, ready to escape if only she allows it. She takes a moment of courage and reaches out to touch Cheryl’s hand, and –

It’s fucking _icy_. Deathly cold to the touch. 

Details flood Toni’s mind in an instant. Cheryl’s breathing is shallow, her face paler than normal, her lips stained red from something other than lipstick. 

“Cher,” she says loudly. “Cheryl, wake up.” 

There’s no response, and Toni’s breathing quickens. “Cheryl. Cheryl!” 

She grabs the redhead’s phone and tries to unlock it, breathing a short-lived sigh of relief when she realises Cher’s passcode is still Toni’s birthday, and with trembling fingers tries to call 911. 

“Hello, nine one one, how can we help?”

“My girlfriend,” Toni stutters, not even thinking. “I think she’s been poisoned.” 

The lady on the other end asks for details and Toni gives them feverishly, clutching Cheryl’s hand. “She’s still breathing, but not by much.” 

“Stay on the phone, we’ve dispatched an ambulance,” the lady says smoothly, and Toni looks down at Cheryl and screams, her mouth opening with such distraught that the lady on the phone says “Stay calm.” 

Toni can’t, she’s so scared, god, why did she leave Cheryl? Had the redhead done this on purpose? She knew Cheryl had a history of depression and suicide attempts and she’d just _left_. Like an idiot. 

She throws herself on top of the redhead, sobbing ferociously into her chest, clutching tight at the tiny string of life. “Cher, I can’t lose you… I can’t. Cher… Cheryl, please wake up, Cheryl, please, baby, wake up.” The tiny girl’s shuddering, heart-wrenching sobs breaking from her lips and she clutches at Cheryl, bawling. “Cher… listen, baby, I love you, okay? You can’t leave, Cheryl, you can’t.”

“Toni?” 

Veronica’s at the door and Toni cracks, completely breaking. “Help, Ronnie. Help!” 

Veronica goes to her phone to call an ambulance but Toni shakes her head. “No, I’ve done that…” She sobs heavily. “Help, Ronnie, she’s going, I can’t – Cheryl!” 

Toni falls back onto the redhead, scratching at her, snot dripping down her face. “Cher,” she whispers. “Cher, Cher, Cher, Cher, Cher, stop, don’t leave me, Cheryl, Cheryl, wait, Cheryl.” 

The redhead is still, so still, and so cold, and Toni can’t stop crying, clinging to her, her throat tightening. “Cheryl! Cheryl…”

And then the ambulance is there, and they’re telling her to get off but she _won’t_ , she’s not letting Cher go ever again. Veronica, tears streaming down her face, pulls Toni off and the smaller girl strikes out, pummeling poor Veronica’s chest, screaming her for her girlfriend as she’s carried away. 

Toni’s fist connects with Veronica’s nose and there’s blood everywhere but she doesn’t care, she takes advantage of the split second Ronnie lets her go and sprints down the stairs, taking them three at a time. “Cher!” She screams bounding into the ambulance and grabbing at the redhead. 

“Excuse me, ma’am, you need to let her go.” 

Toni complies, but she holds Cheryl’s hand so tight as her breathing shallows. “Is she gonna be okay?”

“We hope so,” they say, and Toni sobs, tears streaming down her face. 

“She has to be,” she tells the nearest paramedic as they begin to move, sirens blaring. 

He nods solemnly, tending to Cheryl. “I know.” 

“No,” she says, clutching his wrist. “She _has_ to be, okay? I can’t lose her. I can’t. I can’t…” She breaks down again, looking at Cheryl. “Promise me she’ll be okay.” 

The paramedic sighs. “We’ll try our best, Ms Topaz.” 

0o0o0

When they arrive at the hospital, her girlfriend (yes, she’s calling Cheryl that again because Toni Topaz will be damned if anyone thinks she’ll ever leave Cher again) is rushed away and she spends approximate an hour and 37 minutes in Veronica’s arms bawling her eyes out. She throws up twice, rushing to the bathroom in a fit of worry and coughing into the toilet, and Veronica’s there, holding her braids back, rubbing her back and when she’s done, welcoming her back into a warm, semi-comforting hug. 

Dr Masters finds her at 7.24, folding her wordlessly into a hug before whispering ‘you are _so_ lucky, Toni.’ They’re familiar from multiple ghoulie bashes, and she sobs again before pushing him gently backwards. 

“She’s okay?” She asks, her voice little more than a croak, her heart in her mouth, throbbing painfully. 

“Just,” he mutters. “I’ll take you to her.” 

He leads her until they stop outside a door. “Toni,” he murmurs. “No drastic actions –”

She doesn’t listen. The young girl bursts through the door and she’s on top of Cheryl, clutching at her, tears streaming down her face as she clings to the girl, her lips never leaving Cheryl’s. 

“TT,” Cheryl murmurs, pulling away. “I taste gross. They gave me _charcoal_. Like I was a _peasant_.”

Toni’s never been more relieved to hear Cheryl’s classy lilt. “I love you,” she whispers, her body pushed against Cheryl’s. “We’re gonna work this out, Cher. We have to.”

“What if we can’t, Toni?” Cheryl asks quietly, wiping a stray tear from the smaller girl’s face. “What if we just don’t work?” 

Toni shakes her head, pulling herself impossibly closer to the redhead. “We can. I can’t lose you, Cher. That… that was the scariest two hours of my life. I cannot lose you. I can’t. Cher…” She starts to cry again, and Cheryl, unused to Toni showing emotion, curls closer to her, pressing a kiss to her head. 

“Okay, chacha,” Cheryl murmurs, stroking the shorter girl’s back. “Hey, Toni, guess what?” 

Toni snuffles, looking up, trying to steady her breathing after hours of crying. “What?” 

Cheryl grins slyly. “I almost _died_.”

Toni bawls. She bawls and bawls and it’s partly relief and partly petrified, she’s so scared that Cheryl will leave again, and she’s so mad at herself for breaking up with her. 

“Cheryl,” she cries. “Cher, I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Cheryl murmurs. “I love you, Toni.”

Toni sniffs. “Can we try again?”

Cheryl smiles. “I’d love nothing better, mon amour.” 

Toni nestles into Cheryl, starting to breathe right again. “I love you,” she whispers. “I love you, Cher.”

“I love you, Toni,” Cheryl whispers. 

“Cher, wait,” Toni says, something finally clicking. “Your mum… she tried to fucking _kill you_.” 

Cheryl shrugs. “Did you expect anything less?” 

Toni’s livid, but she’s also exhausted, and though she vows not to sleep, she doesn’t want to argue with Cheryl. “Imma beat her up,” Toni mumbles, kissing Cheryl’s temple. “Beware me.” 

Cheryl giggles. “Okay, Toni. Okay.”


	9. Little Do You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni's missing Cheryl and she's panicking and nothing is going right, someone HELP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A prompt from @lookatwhatyouvedone  
> I LOVED writing this. It was great to explore Toni, be ready for me to do it more so in the future. she's my baby. i love her.  
> anyway, comments and kudos always appreciated, i also love writing prompts so if you want a specific toni-cheryl fic, lemme know in the comments.  
> title taken from Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra. A beautiful song. very Choni.  
> anyway, lovelies, you're appreciated and i love you. enjoy the chapter!

It’s not like the last 6 months have been completely anxiety free. Toni knows that. But right now, she’s at her worst, trying and failing to catch her breath in the cool night and wondering why she even let herself sleep in the first place.

The young girl pulls her jumper tighter around herself and sits up, resting her head against the wall. She looks up, watching as Peaches stumbles into her room, rubbing her eyes. “You okay, Topaz?”

Toni nods, not trusting her words. She’s not okay, not by a long shot, but she’s imposing enough on her friend without giving her all her problems too. She used to feel bad enough crashing at Fangs or Sweet Pea’s, but she’s only known Peaches N Cream for a couple weeks, goddammit.

“Sorry, P,” she whispers. “I’m fine.”

The other girl nods. “Mkay. See you in the morning.”

Toni stops her as she walks out. “I’m gonna go for a walk, clear my head, you know?”

“Sure,” Peaches says. “Try to get some more sleep, too, okay?”

Toni nods, forcing a smile onto her face. God, she’s tired. She gets up and pulls her sweatpants on, slipping into her converse and grabbing yet another random jumper, pulling it tight around her and stepping out of the small apartment into the night. She shivers, slipping her headphones in and playing her favourite playlist, walking aimlessly towards the forest. She wonders if perhaps she should go to the shops, pick up some supplies for Peaches’ house, but she hasn’t brought her purse and she can’t really be bothered – besides, she’ll go tomorrow, pick up something special for the girl to say thank you for housing her until she figures out where the hell to live.

Toni takes a deep breath, trying hard to loosen her chest, the impending panic attack looming over her head like a bad dream. Her thoughts are haywire, going though her head so fast she almost feels dizzy.

 _Okay, Topaz_ , she thinks. _Focus on one thing, okay?_

She tries. She really, really tries. But anxiety isn’t kind, it doesn’t listen, and she has to stop walking and sit down against a tree, convinced that if she keeps walking she’ll collapse.

A tear falls down her face and she’s suddenly sobbing, the tough exterior she’s managed to put up for the last few days crumbling away in a split second, leaving her defenseless, vulnerable, weak.

Her mind wanders, and she’s thinking of things she doesn’t want to and she cries harder, because it hurts, these memories hurt so much, she doesn’t want them, _go away_.

First it’s her uncle. She’s homeless now, but she cannot go back to him, no way. Her trembling fingers find their way to the long scar above her hipbone, tracing it, remembering that fateful night when he’d been so, so drunk, and he’d come at her with a knife and she’d vowed never to go back.

Her uncle reminds her of her parents, and _fuck_ , she doesn’t want to think of it, go _away_! But no, the memories are there, flashing through her head as she curls tight into a ball on the forest floor, trying to disappear. They’d left her sleeping with her uncle, and she’ll never, _never_ forget early that night when the sirens had woken her and _oh god, they’re gone_.

Her thoughts shift to Cheryl – god, she misses her, thought she’ll never admit it. Toni cries impossibly harder, remembering the last anxiety attack she’d had, when the redhead had held her close and sung her to sleep. Toni pulls her phone out of her pocket to scroll through Instagram, sure that looking at Cheryl for a minute will calm her down, but it’s dead and she can’t breathe, dammit!

Cheryl had been so _mad_ , the last time they’d spoke. She’d yelled at Toni for trying to pay, for always acting like she wasn’t good enough, for not being confident like Cheryl herself was. Toni thinks back on it and she’s sad, but she’s also kind of… pissed?

Because, _yes_ , she’d payed rent, but she felt terrible for just imposing on Cher’s house for six months, without giving anything back! And once she payed Nana Rose, that deep stemmed anxiety had loosened somewhat, until it was a weekly occurrence and Toni didn’t feel so bad anymore. And anyway, how was she supposed to know that Cher would be mad?

Stupid, perfect Cheryl. The taller girl had always acted better than Toni, and the girl from the southside had never forgotten her place, even if Cher had. Toni continuously felt like she had to prove herself to Cheryl during their relationship, and perhaps that’s why they fell apart. Because while the redhead was breaking down her walls for Toni, the ex-serpent was working to keep hers up, to prove herself worthy of Cheryl and maybe she’d failed. Maybe she was the problem.

The pink-haired girl suppresses a scream, crying so hard now that she wants to throw up, her stomach lurching uncomfortably with every sob.

Cheryl had been almost perfect, Toni thinks, and right now, she wants her back. But they had so many differences, and Toni’s ever present anxiety always reminds her that, you know, she _isn’t good enough_. Not for Cheryl, not for the life she’s managed to make her way through, not for anyone. She shouldn’t be here, she should be a drug addict on the southside.

If Cher was here and they weren’t fighting, she’d tell Toni that she made this life for herself so of course she deserves it. But Cheryl’s not here and they are fighting and that’s just prove that she doesn’t.

God, she wants Cheryl.

In a panic induced haze, she looks around and realises that perhaps she isn’t far from Thistle House. That she could walk there.

Her anxiety, for once, is encouraging this decision, which, if Toni was in her right mind she’d know that this fact means that it’s not an overly good idea. But she’s freaking the hell out, and she needs help before she does something stupid, and – okay, she’s going.

She walks for about five minutes before she gets to Thistle House, and then she regrets it but she’s so tired, so she just sinks down and cries, cries and cries and she’s pretty scared that Cheryl’s going to find her but there’s no way she’s going in, because that’s just weak and Toni Topaz isn’t weak and –

“Toni?”

Cheryl’s outside, looking down at her with slight distaste and dressed in her running gear, and Toni’s sobbing really really hard, her panic attack making itself known, full blown.

“Toni,” Cheryl says, her voice hard. “Why are you here?”

Toni can’t talk, she can’t look at Cheryl, this was a mistake, and she feels really sick.

Cheryl sighs and pulls Toni up carefully, and without meaning to, Toni rests her weight against Cheryl, allowing herself to be supported, but Cheryl goes to take her inside and Toni’s breath catches.

Cheryl ignores her, pulling her in and sitting her on the couch, flicking the kettle on before taking a perfectly poised position on the couch opposite. Toni feels that this is an accurate representation of their relationship – Cher was always done up and perfect and she, curled up on the couch with leaves in her hair and mascara running down her swollen cheeks.

“Cheryl,” she croaks. “I think I’m gonna throw up.”

Cheryl rolls her eyes. “Ew, Topaz.” But she supports the smaller girl to the bathroom, holding her hair back as she upends her stomach contents, bile and water splashing into the bowl as she sobs and coughs.

“Okay, Toni, enough,” Cheryl says, and pulls her up, away from the bathroom. Toni shakes her head urgently, she’s not done, she’s going to throw up again, she feels so sick –

“You’re fine, Toni,” Cheryl says, her voice a little softer. “Just take a couple of deep breaths for me, okay? So that you can stop crying and we’ll talk about why you’re at my house at 4am.”

Toni sobs, trying to pull away from Cheryl, convinced she’s going to throw up all over her perfect shoulder. Cheryl tuts.

“Toni,” she says firmly. “Calm down.”

She can’t, Toni can’t, calming down won’t happen, help!

Cheryl sighs and pulls the shorter girl in, holding her so tight, like a cocoon. “Breathe, Toni,” she says. “Just breathe. I need you to calm down so you can tell me what the hell’s going on.”

It takes maybe 10, 15 minutes, but somehow, Cheryl manages to reduce her ex’s sobs to steady tears,  and once she’s happy, she pulls away, and Toni wants to object but she also doesn’t want to upset Cheryl.

“Okay,” Cheryl says, looking exhausted. “What… Toni, what – what’s going on? Why are you here?”

Toni’s lip trembles. “I… had a p-panic at-attack and I couldn’t br-breathe and – I – I needed h-help.”

“And why,” Cheryl asks. “Did you come _here_?”

Toni’s breath hitches. Stubborn as she is, she wants to tell Cheryl that this creep-hole of a house makes her feel safe, that Cher her self makes her feel safe, that she _needs_ Cheryl, she needs Cher to understand because it’s crucial that if they’re gonna fix this Cheryl understands that Toni needs her just as much as Cheryl needs Toni, that Cheryl’s not the only broken one.

But instead of telling Cheryl all this, she starts to cry again, her panic flaring back up.

“Toni,” Cheryl sighs. “Toni, c’mon.”

“I c-can’t help it,” Toni whispers. “I’m so-sorry, it’s my an-anxiety, Cher, I’m s-sorry.”

Cheryl softens slightly. “Okay. What can I do?”

_Cuddles. Kisses. Hold me, please, Cher. Hold me. Sing to me. Wait til I fall asleep._

“I don’t know.”

Cheryl scoffs. “That’s not helpful, Topaz.”

“Cher,” Toni whimpers. “I… I’ve done this for you… let me –”

“When we were _dating_ ,” Cheryl hisses. “When it was okay. I have no need to do this.”

“C’mon, Cher,” Toni whispers. “Tell me you don’t care for me anymore.” She takes a shuddering breath. “Look me in the eyes.”

Cheryl deflates. “Toni…”

“Tell me!”

Cheryl takes a deep breath. “Toni, these last weeks haven’t been easy on either of us –”

“Cheryl, I swear, just tell me.”

“I can’t, Toni! I can’t, okay? Are you happy?”

Toni starts to cry again. “No. I’m not.”

Cheryl sighs. “Toni… I don’t know what you want me to do.”

Toni sniffs, wiping her nose across her wrist. _Fuck it_ , she thinks. “I want you to hold me, Cher. I want you to be there for me, right now, like I’ve been whenever you’re like this. Like I’d be if you had a panic attack now. Like I know you can.”

Cheryl closes her eyes. “Toni…”

“Please, Cher,” the shorter girl whispers. “Please.”

Cheryl looks at her, taking her in, her puffy face and her glassy eyes. Toni’s got mascara streaked down her cheeks and snot dripping from her nose, and somehow, Cheryl’s reminded of how she must have looked on that fateful day that the pink-haired girl had rescued her from the Sisters. And she takes another deep breath and thinks about how most people hate her, how they’d appreciated Toni because Cheryl was so much _nicer_.

And Cher remembers all the times Toni’s done this for her without thinking, blinking, taking a second thought.

And she takes a huge breath and opens her arms up, pulling Toni into them, resting the girl’s crumpling face in her collarbone and pressing a soft kiss to the crown of her head.

“TT,” she murmurs.

The other girl’s sobbing, open mouthed cries being absorbed into Cheryl’s running top. She doesn’t respond, somehow crying hard despite the amount of tears that she’s spilled already tonight.

Cheryl admits that she and Toni _click_. The pink headed girl fits perfectly in her arms, she’s _missed_ this.

Toni’s overcome by emotion, by Cheryl’s perfume, by her arms around her. She buries her face closer in, wanting to never let go, feeling so much better already.

Cheryl strokes her long fingers through Toni’s hair, raking the leaves out and pressing the other girl’s face closer. She takes a look at Toni’s never-ending sobbing and begins to sing quietly, rubbing her hand through the other girl’s hair in time with her voice.

“ _I'll wait, I'll wait_  
_I love you like you've never felt the pain, I'll wait_  
_I promise, you don't have to be afraid, I'll wait_  
_Love is here, and here to stay_  
_So lay your head on me_  
_Little do you know_  
_I know you’re hurt while I'm sound asleep_  
_Little do you know_  
_All my mistakes are slowly drowning me_  
_Little do you know_  
_I'm trying to make it better piece by piece_  
_Little do you know_  
_I, I love you 'til the sun dies._ ”

Toni’s calm. She’s the calmest she’s felt in _weeks_.

“Toni,” Cheryl whispers. “TT…”

The shorter girl sniffs, turning her eyes to Cheryl’s.

“We could… try again?”

Toni nods. “Yeah.”

Cheryl smiles. “But, Toni… you gotta talk to me, okay? Tell me if I need to… I don’t know… spend more time with you, back off a bit – if you feel like this, Toni, you _have_ to tell me. We have to communicate. I’m shit at relationships, TT. But I’m willing to try for you, okay?”

Toni finds more ( _more_ ) tears in her eyes, and she nods. “I will. And you gotta… let me, okay? Let me have my broken moments, yeah?”

Cheryl nods. “I need to know when you’re having them. Please don’t hide from me, Toni.”

Toni closes her eyes. “It’s hard.”

“I know, baby girl,” Cheryl whispers. “Do you think you can change for me? Because, T, believe it or not, I know that you’re self-deprecating. I know you don’t think you’re good enough. And I’m gonna try and change how I am, but can you try to change too? So that we’re… equal?”

Toni smiles. “Yeah. But… Cher… can you… it’s not easy, yeah?”

Cheryl smiles wanly. “You think I don’t know that, TT?”

Toni scoffs wetly. “I know you know that best of all,” she murmurs. “Cher… can I say this?”

“Say what?”

“I love you,” Toni whispers.

“I love you too,” Cheryl says back, kissing her girlfriend’s head. “Get some sleep, T, we’ll sort the rest out in the morning, okay?”

“Yeah,” Toni mumbles, snuggling back in. Cheryl rubs her back until her breathing evens out, the anxiety finally gone, for now.


	10. Your Hand In Mine Steals The Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had got to a point the Cheryl checked the weather app every morning so that she was prepared. Usually, it was fine – Riverdale was generally really sunny, a nice match of cool breezes and warm days, and that was fine. But, god, she didn’t want today to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of obsessed with Toni's greatest weakness (bar Cheryl) being storms, I love the fact she's astrophobic (also, omg, did you know another word for 'fear of storms' is TONITROPHOBIA. the fear's named after her hehe. It's meant to be. Don't @ me). Okay so yeah this is fluffy af and i loved writing it. Once again, each comment/kudo/bookmark makes MY DAY. I love you all, lovelies. Hope you like soft Choni.
> 
> Also, title taken from Storms Never Last, Jessi Colter.

It had got to a point the Cheryl checked the weather app every morning so that she was prepared. Usually, it was fine – Riverdale was generally really sunny, a nice match of cool breezes and warm days, and that was fine. But, god, she didn’t want today to happen.

“TT!” She yelled from the bathroom, and her cheery voice was met with a groan. Dropping her towel, Cheryl pranced into the bedroom, snuggling back under the covers with her girlfriend and strapping her legs over Toni’s. “I’m thinking we don’t go to school today, sound good?”

Toni chuckled, kissing her softly. “As nice as that sounds, my love, we need to be educated, okay?”

Cheryl moaned. “Noooo… I don’t wanna.”

Toni laughed. “I’m going to have a shower, Cher, get ready, okay?”

Cheryl sighed. That hadn’t worked.

It looked like Mr Weatherman had been wrong. The day was breezy and light, messing up Cheryl’s hair but with no look of rain, and Cheryl was most definitely not complaining. She had let down her guard, sitting in English and reading through Macbeth, and, ironically, studying the line ‘in thunder, lightning or in rain’, when her phone started to buzz uncontrollably and Betty kicked her foot.

She turns, kind of angrily, towards her cousin, hissing ‘ _what_?’

“Jug just sent me a message,” the blonde whispers. “It's storming.”

Cheryl feels her blood go cold and she gives Betty a tight smile, and then turns to the teacher. “I don’t feel good.”

The teacher turns in shock, shaking her head. “Pardon?”

“I don’t feel well,” Cheryl repeats. “Could I go to the nurse?”

The teacher shrugs. “Sure.”

Cheryl jumps up and bursts out the door, yelling “Toni! Toni!” She curses, looking this way and that, running down the hall.

She finds Toni curled up in front of the redhead’s locker, her eyes closed, headphones in.

“Toni… Toni, baby… _Toni_ …” Cheryl crouches down next to the small girl and rubs her back soothingly. “C’mon, baby, let’s go home.”

Toni nods, allowing Cheryl to pull her up. Cheryl slings Toni’s bag onto her back, pulls the shorter girl’s body close to her own and leads her out towards their car – which, _shit_.

She forgot to close the freaking roof. The convertible is soaked and only getting more so.

“Toni, babe,” Cheryl whispers. “Wait here, I’m gonna go close the car up, okay?”

Toni whimpers. “No… Cher…”

“I’m not letting you walk out there, Toni. Let me close it up and then you can get in.”

Toni bursts into tears and it breaks Cheryl’s heart, but she pulls away and quickly gets to work on lifting the roof over her car – not an easy feat with one person.

She’s just lifting it over the front seats when she hears a strangled cry from the front steps of the school, and she slams the roof down and sprints back to Toni, pulling her tiny body into her arms and carrying her, bridal style, towards the car.

“Okay,” she mutters. “Okay, okay, hey, look at me, baby, it’s okay, we’re gonna get you home, just breathe, TT, you’re okay, I got you, it’s okay, Toni, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

Toni nestles closer in, sobs wracking her body, flinching as thunder rolls above them. “It’s okay, Toni, baby, it’s all good, I’ve got you, you’re okay, baby, you’re okay.”

Cheryl seats her gently in the back seat, letting her lay down, and then drives as quickly as she can (safely, of course) towards Thistle house.

Toni watches, her eyes glassy and wide, as rain falls in sheets on the windscreen. “Cher…” she mumbles. “’S raining.”

“I know, honey,” Cheryl whispers, turning around for a split second to give Toni a warm smile. “We’ll be home in a second, I promise.”

Toni nods, hiccupping. “I’m scared, Cher.”

Cheryl nods. “I know, T. Here, how about I put some music on, hey? Block out the sound?”

Toni nods in Cheryl’s rearview mirror. “Can you put our song on?” Her voice is young, thick with tears.

Cheryl smiles. “Of course, baby girl.” She turns the radio on and hands Toni her phone, smiling softly when the opening notes of ‘Little Do You Know’ play through. One of her hands sneaks back to find Toni’s, and she holds her girlfriend tight until she has to pull her hand back to manipulate the car into the driveway of Thistle House.

“It’s fine,” Cheryl says, as she stops the car out the front. “It’s okay, Toni.”

Toni, as soon as the music stops and she can hear the rain and the thunder again, lets out a whine. “Cheryl…”

“I’m gonna come get you, baby,” Cheryl murmurs. “You stay in the car, I’ll unlock the door and put the bags inside and then I’ll get you, okay?”

Toni nods, curling into the corner of her seat. “Cher…”

Cheryl shoots her a sympathetic glance, grabbing their belongings and shoving them through the entrance of her home before turning back to the car and unlocking the back door. She pulls Toni carefully into her arms, guiding her face into her collarbone to block out the sight and allowing the shorter girl to place her hands over her ears. She carries Toni through the torrents of rain, the wind whipping her sopping hair into her face, slapping red and pink locks against her.

Toni sobs, taking shuddering breaths and crying out against her girlfriend’s shoulder. By the time they get inside, both girls are soaking, Toni’s _bawling_ , and Cheryl’s starting to freak out too.

She strips Toni’s sopping jacket from her, leaving her shivering in a sleek under top and fishnet stockings and a skirt. She pulls an oversized hoodie from a pile of unfolded washing and carefully peels Toni’s top off, smiling bashfully at her girlfriend’s figure. “You’re beautiful, Toni Topaz,” Cheryl murmurs, pulling the warm hoodie over her girlfriend’s head and helping her slide her arms in. “C’mon, now, let’s get some comfier pants on, yeah?”

Toni nods, tears rolling down her face, and Cheryl stops what she’s doing and turns to Toni, grabbing her face in her hands and pressing her lips carefully against the shorter girl’s cheek. “I love you, TT.”

“I love you,” Toni whispers, sniffing. “I’m sorry, Cher.”

“Don’t say sorry, T,” Cheryl murmurs. “Here, let me get you some pants, and then I’ll make us cocoa and I’ll turn the tv on real loud, okay? And we can snuggle and I’ll hold you forever and it’ll all be okay, alright?”

 _I don’t deserve her_. Toni’s thoughts are muddled and mainly screaming _STORM_ but she registers that Cheryl’s caring for her and it makes her feel good.

“Cher…”

“Shh, Cha-Cha,” Cheryl murmurs, stroking her fingers down Toni’s cheek. “Shh.”

She helps her girlfriend into some drier shorts, her fingers lingering on Toni’s toned quads. “Beautiful,” she whispers, and Toni blushes through her tears. Cheryl leans up to give her girlfriend a quick kiss, wiping yet more tears away and stripping quickly, replacing her soaking garments with drier clothes and then wrapping an arm around Toni, leading her over to the couch. “Netflix?”

Toni nods, eyes wide and scared, glued to the big window at the other side of the room, where trees are swaying violently as rain pelts the window panes.

Cheryl follows her gaze to the window and rushes over to pull the red drapes across, blocking Toni’s view. The brunette gives her an appreciative smile, collapsing on the couch as she watches her redheaded counterpart flick the kettle on and set out two red mugs on the bench, pouring her signature red velvet cocoa mix into each and adding a splash of almond milk. Toni stands up, slipping over to Cheryl and wrapping her arms around her, burying her head in her girlfriend’s neck. Cheryl hums, holding her tight, rubbing soothing circles on her hip. Toni sighs, trying _oh_ so hard to block out the sounds of the rolling thunder, breathing Cheryl in as she’s being held, and they remain like that until the kettle dings and Cheryl tilts Toni’s head up to meet her lips in a soft kiss.

“Lemme just get this, okay?”

Toni nods, watching silently as Cheryl pours the hot water into the mugs, grabbing one in each hand and nodding her head at the cupboard above the stove, where Toni smiles cheekily and pulls out a pack of Monte Carlos, following Cher to the couch like a new puppy.

“Hey, Toni,” Cheryl whispers. “Imma go get a blanket, you be okay here?”

Toni nods, taking the cocoa gratefully from her girlfriend and snuggling into the couch, scrolling through Netflix as she hears Cheryl stomping up the stairs.

 _It’s_ _fine_ , she thinks, _they’re fine_ , but then a huge crash sounds as a branch falls from a tree onto the ground and a flash of lightning illuminates the room and Toni spasms and spills _hot_ hot cocoa down her legs. She lets out a long cry, pushing the mug to the ground and starting to hyperventilate, her movements erratic, watching the red liquid seep across the floor.

 _Cheryl_ , she thinks. Cheryl can help.

Toni stumbles up the stairs and meets Cheryl half way there, sobs wracking her body, steady cries shaking her thin figure. Cheryl makes a sound and drops the blankets piled in her arms, pulling Toni to her chest.

“Hey,” she says, sitting on a step and propping the shorter girl on her knee. “Shh, you’re okay. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left, baby, but I’m here now, it’s okay.”

Toni nods, bringing her hands over her ears. “I’m _scared_ , Cher.”

“I know you are, baby,” Cheryl whispers. “I’m gonna hold you, okay? Let me know when you’re up to moving and we’ll head back downstairs.”

Toni nods, taking a shuddering breath, trying to steady her chest. “Cher… the cocoa –” She breaks off into heavy sobs again, worried that she’ll be yelled at, maybe, or perhaps just scared.

Cheryl shushes her. “Don’t worry about it. Did it burn you?”

Toni nods hesitantly, scratching lightly at her leg, and Cheryl wants to cry. “Are you okay? Do you need to go to the doctor? I can take you to hospital – Toni!”

Toni laughs slightly through her tears. “I’m okay, Cher, I’m just scared.”

Cheryl nods. “Right… right, okay. Okay. Let’s go downstairs, get you cleaned up, right? And I’ll make more cocoa and – yeah, okay. Okay.”

Toni laughs gently, wiping at her cheeks. “Kay.”

0o0o0

Ten minutes later and they’re snuggled up on the couch with fresh hot chocolate, Toni’s purple blanket wrapped around them, contrasting brightly with the red couch. Toni’s got her head tucked into Cheryl’s chest, her body shaking, and Cheryl’s running her nails over her girlfriend’s neck, trying (and failing) to calm her down.

Cheryl turns the tv on, holding Toni tight, and flicks through Netflix, clicking on Brooklyn Nine Nine and figuring that they both need cheering up.

It’s fine, she tells herself. It’s –

A crash of thunder sounds and Toni _screams_. It’s never ending and it hurts Cheryl and her poor girlfriend is _distraught_ , screaming and screaming, scratching at her face.

“Toni!” Cheryl yells. “Toni – Toni! Listen to me, T, c’mon. Toni, baby – Toni –”

The shorter girl curls within herself, shaking violently, her eyes panicked.

“Toni, come on,” Cheryl whispers. “You can do it. Look at me, baby, focus on my voice.”

Toni looks up at her, shutting her mouth and being encompassed by sobs, gasping for air. Cheryl bites her lip, freaking out at the fact her girlfriend _isn’t_ okay.

“Okay,” she whispers. “Toni, babe, come here, come here, okay?” She pulls Toni so the shorter girl’s straddling her and reaches across for her phone and earphones. She puts both of them into Toni’s ears, plugging them into the phone and pressing play on their playlist, making sure ‘Little Do You Know’ is right up first.

“Close your eyes, baby,” Cheryl whispers, “Close your eyes for me. Listen to the music. Focus on my voice. Close your eyes, Toni. Come on, now. You’re okay. Close your eyes.”

Toni obeys, her swollen eyelids fluttering closed, more tears falling even once they shut. She’s stopped screaming, her chin trembling as she cries and cries. Cheryl takes a deep breath, absolutely _hating_ seeing Toni like this, and starts to rub Toni’s back softly, stroking her fingers up and down and back and forth and feeling Toni’s damp skin beneath her fingers.  

Toni tunes into the music, to Cher’s fingers, breathing in time with the nails trailing up and down her back. Now that she can’t see the storm, can’t hear it, she feels okay, actually. She stops crying, taking a slow, shuddering breath, and nestles into Cheryl’s chest, burying her face in the taller girl’s smooth skin, sucking in breath after breath. She feels Cheryl’s lips find their way to the crown of her head. It’s calming.

She wants to take the headphones out, to kiss Cheryl until she dies, to not be petrified, but she’s still scared and she’s pretty sure that if she hears the thunder again it will break her.

It takes maybe three hours for the rain and the storm to stop, and Toni doesn’t move. She thinks that she possibly falls asleep at one stage, but when she returns to consciousness, to legible thought, there’s no music playing and she can only hear light rain pattering on the roof. She slowly turns her head to look up at Cheryl, who’s looking back down at her, a small smile on her face.

“The storm stopped,” Cheryl whispers.

“Thank god,” Toni smiles, and Cher laughs. Toni snuggles back in, warm and happy, and carefully pulls the headphones out, resting them on the couch next to her. “Thanks, Cher.”

“Anytime, TT. You let me in, okay? Text me, talk to me, anything.”

“Yeah,” Toni whispers, kissing Cheryl’s neck.

“What do you wanna do now?” Cheryl asks softly.

Toni grins wickedly. “Bubble bath? I’m covered in hot cocoa…”

Cheryl smiles, kissing her girlfriend’s head. “Of course, mon amour.” 


	11. Someone's jealous?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um... so I might've... written... smut?? Oops... colour me shocked hehe. Skip this chapter if you don't like that sort of stuff, but um.... here it is. Cheryl gets jealous, that sorta thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. This is my first kinda smut i've ever posted so um don't @ me. Hope you like it. Next chap probably up tomorrow or later tonight. Love y'all xxx

“Don’t you _dare_ touch her,” Cheryl hisses, and poor Betty Cooper shrinks into herself.

“Sorry, Cheryl, I thought…”

“Get your _filthy_ hands off her, you egg!”

“Cher…”

“No! Toni, she’s touching you and you’re mine and she’s _not allowed to, TT.”_

“Okay, Cheryl, I’m _straight_ , and I have no interest whatsoever in dating Toni –”

“Are you saying she’s not worthy? Because she is, you peasant. She’s the most wonderful girlfriend anyone could ask for and I will _not_ have you putting her down!”

“Cheryl!”

“That’s not what I meant, Cher,” Betty looks fed up. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“It better have not been, cousin. Because if it was…”

“Cheryl.” Toni’s not sure if she’s pissed at her girlfriend or flattered. “Baby, calm down.”

Cheryl shoos Betty away and pulls Toni closer, pushing her roughly against the lockers and resting her head against the serpent’s. “You’re _mine,_ Toni. Mine.”

Toni tightens her grip on Cheryl’s curls. “I know, Cher –”

“Not Betty’s. Not Veronica’s. Not Josie’s or Jughead’s or Archie’s. _Mine_.”

Toni looks right up into Cheryl’s eyes. “Show me.”

She feels Cheryl’s breath hitch and the redhead attacks her, sucking a deep bruise into Toni’s dark skin. “Cher…” Toni whispers. “Kiss me.”

Cheryl shakes her head. “Take me home, Toni, and I’ll do much more.”

Toni’s all too quick to succumb. “Your car, five minutes,” she breathes.

“Make it two,” Cheryl husks, detaching from Toni’s smooth skin with a pop, smiling satisfactorily at the pulsing bruise she’s left.

0o0o0

They don’t even make it to the bedroom. The second the door’s locked behind them, Cheryl’s on top of Toni, taking charge for once in a fit of rage. She slams the smaller girl against the way, shoving her thigh in between Toni’s legs and bringing her hands up to hold Toni’s shoulders.

“Cheryl,” Toni murmurs, panting already. “Just… kiss… me, please, Cher.”

Cheryl grins wickedly. “What was that, TT?”

“Please, Cheryl!”

Cheryl smirks. “I’m not sure, TT.” She jerks her knee up, hitting right between Toni’s legs, and the shorter girl lets out a short gasp. Cheryl holds it there, scratching lightly at Toni’s neck, and Toni _melts_ , perfectly happy for her girlfriend to be in charge for once.

“Cher…” she moans. “Cheryl…”

Cheryl ignores her, trailing her fingers down to grip Toni’s round ass, grinding her leg up and down against Toni’s center, the shorter girl beginning to break already.

“More, Cher,” Toni pants, trying to rub against Cheryl’s knee, desperate for friction, but Cheryl pushes her down and removes her leg, looking down at Toni hungrily. “What would you prefer, Toni-girl,” she whispers, her voice tight. “Fingers, or tongue?”

She licks a line from Toni’s collarbone to below her ear, sucking hard on her earlobe and eliciting a moan from the shorter girl.

Toni’s lost all her words, panting heavily, sure that if Cheryl even goes _near_ where she needs her that she’s going to fall apart completely.

“I said,” Cheryl hisses. “What do you want, Toni?”

Toni pants, her mouth slack. “Want… you… _Cheryl_.”

“What do you want me to do, baby girl?”

Toni grunts, sick of Cheryl’s teasing, slamming herself against Cheryl, clutching her. “ _Cheryl, I swear to god.”_

Cheryl chuckles. “Okay, okay, baby, calm down.”

She pulls away completely and Toni whines, glaring at Cheryl and taking matter into her own hands, bringing one of her hands to rest in between her legs.

“No, Toni,” Cheryl says. “That’s my job.” She pulls Toni’s hand away and the shorter girl lets out a breathy moan, thrusting her hips up.

Cheryl takes a look at her and bites her lip, bringing a perfectly manicured hand down to Toni’s crotch, peeling her fishnet stockings down those tan legs. “Jesus,” she whispers, stroking the serpent’s opening. “Is someone a little bit wet, huh?”

Toni husks, her breath low and laboured, clenching her thighs around Cheryl’s hand. Cheryl smiles, her breathing increasing as she navigates Toni’s folds, her thumb finally finding the shorter girl’s clit and pressing down _hard_.

“ _Cher_ ,” Toni says through clenched teeth. The redhead covers her fingers in Toni’s arousal, entering a single finger into her girlfriend and Toni clenches around her automatically.

“Not so fast,” Cheryl murmurs. “Hang in there for me, baby girl.”

Toni nods, rendered speechless, as Cheryl adds another finger and starts slowly circling the serpent’s clit.

“Not… much… longer,” Toni chokes out, her hips thrusting hard. “Cher…”

Cheryl presses a kiss to Toni’s neck. “You’re doing really good, baby girl. Keep it up.”

“Cheryl…”

“It’s okay, Toni,” she whispers, right into Toni’s ear. She pulls her whole hand out of Toni and brings it to her mouth, sucking her fingers clean and moaning, feeling her centre grow wetter. Toni watches her girlfriend with half-lidded eyes, the image in front of her almost sending her over the edge.

“Cheryl…”

“Not yet, Toni,” Cheryl murmurs around her fingers. “Give me a minute.”

Toni shakes her head, bringing her hand down to touch herself, but Cheryl growls and drops to her knees, burying her head in Toni’s thighs. She presses kiss after kiss on the girl’s legs and Toni’s _shuddering_.

Cheryl looks up at Toni and the sight almost makes her let go of everything, and she looks back down and returns her fingers to inside her girlfriend and buries her face in Toni.

It takes less than a second. The minute Cheryl’s tongue flicks out to meet her girlfriend’s clit, Toni falls apart, clenching around Cheryl’s fingers and pulling at Cheryl’s hair, letting out a keen whine.

“Keep going,” Toni whispers. “Please, Cher, keep going.”

Cheryl’s only too happy to comply, licking strokes up Toni’s entrance, suckling on her clit until Toni undoes again, screaming her name into the empty halls of Thistle House, making Cheryl throb, before falling limp on top of her, her legs shaking.

“Feel good, babe?” Cheryl breathes, bringing on of her hands down to finger herself through her stockings, trying to relieve some of the pressure building there.

Toni nods, sinking to her knees. “Lie down.”

Cheryl shakes her head, laughing. “You’re exhausted, Toni. I can do this myself.” Her fingers speed up, hips buckling, and Toni shakes her head, her breathing almost normal.

“Cher, _no_. Lie down.”

Cheryl nods, Toni’s tone making her limp. The serpent pushes Cheryl gently to the ground, crawling over the top of her and kissing her stomach.

“C’mon, Toni,” Cheryl moans. “No foreplay. Don’t be mean. I’m wet enough already.”

Toni laughs, pressing a kiss to Cheryl’s thigh. “Okay, baby.”

She flicks her tongue out to taste Cheryl and almost orgasms again. Cheryl shudders beneath her, so close already, and Toni employs her lips, sucking on her girlfriend’s clit and tickling the bundle of nerves with her tongue until Cheryl falls apart, grunting with her release, all intent of staying decent gone. Toni almost gets off on her girlfriend’s face, eyes rolled back, mouth wide open, screaming her name. Toni’s not happy with just one, so she climbs atop her girlfriend and starts grinding roughly against her, easily drawing another orgasm out of both of them.

When they’re done, Cheryl and Toni fall to the ground in a panting heap, clutching at each other. “Who’s are you?” Cheryl asks weakly, and Toni grins. “Yours, baby girl. And you’re mine. And I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cheryl whispers, and finally lets the possessiveness go. “God, Toni, that was good.”

“It freaking better have been,” Toni grumbles. “We missed half a day of school!”

“Only two periods,” Cheryl counters. “Besides, this was much more fun.”

Toni laughs, pressing a kiss to Cheryl’s nose. “Quite right, babe. Quite right.”


	12. The Promise Of Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in 3x16. Cheryl returns to SOQM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... who the hell thought that Cheryl and Betty would just be able to walk right back into the Sister's with no sign of PTSD? RAS literally has no idea about mental illness, I swear, so here's my take on the 'Big Fun' Scene from last week's episode. TW for PTSD and panic attacks.

Toni’s fists clench automatically when Evelyn announces the cast party. _Yeah_ , she thinks. _Bringing Betty and Cheryl back to the Sisters’ is such a great idea, Ev._

She doesn’t want to be worried – Betty’ll have Jughead and Veronica and Josie and Arch but… Cheryl. Cheryl, who had undoubtedly experienced the worst abuse of her life at the place, who’d been saved by her, who’d been tortured and hurt and who Toni knew still wasn’t over it.

Yeah, bringing Cheryl back there was _not_ going to end well.

0o0o0

Of course Cheryl knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. As soon as that weirdo Evelyn had mentioned the place of the party, her breath had hitched and without anything to calm her down (ie, Toni), she’d been panicky and anxious ever since.

But Cheryl knows that as Heather Chandler, as the _lead role_ , it’s not about her anymore, it’s not about how she feels. She has to be there, to keep up her reputation, to show Toni she’s okay – and, fuck, it’s about Toni again.

Cheryl growls into the mirror, even more determined to go to the party and be okay because right now every fucking thought leads back to Toni Topaz and that’s not doing good stuff to her head.

She’s going to the party, and she’s going to be the _life_ of it.

0o0o0

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

She should’ve realised Toni would be here. She knows Toni’s part of the cast. It’s a cast party. Of _course_ she’s here, of –

Last time they were here together, Toni was rescuing Cheryl.

Cheryl feels the attack coming on and she taps Betty. “I need some air.”

Betty nods sympathetically. “You okay?”

Cheryl nods, but she’s not, she’s not okay, not at all, someone help!

She makes it to the hallway and she’s thinking about having a drink but she spots an all too familiar doorway and _fuck_.

Cheryl sinks down against the wall and shoves her head between her knees, trying to steady her breathing.

_Toni kissed you in there. Down the hall, they electroshocked you. In that room, you moved sand bags for hours. This is where you were registered. The other girl slit her wrists in that bathroom. You’re loveless. Deviant. You drove Toni away, just like you drive everyone away. You’re deviant, Cheryl. You’re not sensational. Why did you ever believe her? How could someone like you be loved? She never loved you, Cheryl, you just imagined it, and you freaked her out without your neediness and she left you, just like everyone else._

She’s crying now, sobs wracking her body as the panic attack takes hold.

 _Sister Woodhouse was right. Mother was right. How did you ever think you deserved Toni? Toni’s so much better than you, she never loved you, you idiot, why would someone as amazing as her love someone stupid and deviant like yourself? You deserved every single thing they did to you in this place. Everything, Cheryl, because you’re_ deviant.

Cheryl takes a huge breath but it doesn’t make it to her lungs. She can’t breathe. She’s going to die.

 _You’re deviant. You’re not sensational. Why the_ hell _would you ever believe her? You’re wrong, Cheryl. The way you think is wrong. Toni never loved you –_

“Cheryl!”

_It’s a hallucination, Cheryl, don’t listen, she never loved you._

“Cheryl!”

_Footsteps. No, it’s not her, don’t look up._

“Stand back, she’s freaking out.”

_I am, Toni, help, I’m freaking out._

“Cheryl, baby, look at me.”

_She’s not really here. She doesn’t love you._

“Cher, come on, babe. Come on. Look at me, please.”

_It’s your imagination, Cheryl. Calm the hell down. You’re thinking deviantly._

“Cheryl. Cher, look at me.”

_Another voice. Betty?_

“She doesn’t think you’re actually here. It’s the stuff they gave us.”

_Because you’re not here, I’m dreaming. Toni never loved me. I can’t do this._

“Cheryl, it’s _me,_ baby.”

_Is Toni crying? You made her cry, Cheryl, like you break everyone else._

She’s crying so hard, too hard, she feels sick.

“Cheryl, look at me. Open your eyes.”

_No, because what if you’re not really there?_

She feels her head being gently tilted upwards and squeezes her eyes shut harder.

“Look at me, baby.”

Cheryl shakes her head, choking on her sobs.

“C’mon, Cher, it’s me, baby, please open your eyes.”

_You’re going to die if it’s not actually her._

“It’s me. I promise you it’s me. Please open your eyes, Cher. Please.”

 _She’s crying because of you_.

Cheryl cracks one eye open and then cries impossibly harder. “To-”

“Shh, baby,” Toni breathes. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m just here.”

She calls someone from behind her and suddenly Cheryl’s being lifted off the ground and carried back to her car. She doesn’t stop crying, only registering bits and pieces of what’s happening –

She’s in the back of the car, with Toni, who’s driving?

Someone swears when there’s red light and proceeds to run it.

And she’s home, snuggled up in bed, but –

“Toni!” It’s a whine, a yell, a cry for help. “Toni!”

“I’m here,” Toni says, stumbling in from the doorway. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know if it would be weird or what, I –”

She cuts off as Cheryl bawls, utterly distraught. “Oh - okay, okay, baby, you’re okay.”

Cheryl cries big, open mouthed cries, memories flooding her brain.

“C’mere, Cher,” Toni whispers, opening her arms up and sitting on the bed. The redhead pounces, attaching herself to Toni and whimpering, clutching at her girlfriend (fuck it, they were girlfriends again, don’t even try to tell her otherwise).

“They made me go _back_ , Toni, I can’t –”

“Don’t talk, baby girl, I get it.”

“I can’t –” Cheryl falters. “I… I don’t even know why I went back.”

“Yeah,” Toni smiles. “Yeah, me neither, baby, but you did and maybe that was a good thing?”

“How the _hell_ would that be a… a good thing?” Cheryl can’t stop her tears.

Toni rubs her shoulder. “Because, maybe we needed this?”

“Why did it take me having PTSD for you to come back? Do you… do you feel a need to look after me? Because if you’re doing this out of… I don’t know, some… _obligation_ …” She breaks down again, clutching at Toni. “I _get_ I’m needy, Toni, and I get you didn’t love me but I –”

“What was that?” Toni’s pissed and Cheryl starts crying harder.

”What. Was. _That_?”

“You didn’t…”

“Love you? Is that what you’re going to say?” Toni’s yelling, but she doesn’t care.

Cheryl nods. “I get it, Toni…”

“Shut the _hell_ up, Cheryl Marjorie. Shut the hell up right now! You… _fuck_ , Cher. You really think – _fuck, Cheryl!”_

Cheryl sobs, clambering backwards, her eyes panicked. Toni’s never been this mad, only disappointed.

Toni softens. “Hey… hey. Shh, Cher, I’m sorry. Come here, please, baby.”

Cheryl shakes her head, taking shuddering breaths.

“Cheryl. Hey. Do you trust me?”

Cheryl hesitates before nodding softly.

“Okay, then, baby, come here, please.”

“Okay.”

She’s holding her again. Thank _god_. She’s never going to take holding her girl for granted ever again. “Okay, sweetie, listen to me. I’m sorry for yelling, okay? I’m so sorry. But here’s the thing, Cher, I’m so upset that you thought I didn’t love you. And it’s not your fault, baby. It’s in your head and I get that and I’m pissed at myself for not showing you enough – for not _telling_ you enough. Because – Cheryl – I love you so much, baby. More than I love anything else. And maybe, bub, maybe that’s a bad thing, hey? But I’m not complaining. And I’m gonna try harder to show you I love you, okay? Because – _fuck_ , Cheryl. I love you… I don’t even know how to word it. I love you. I love you. Okay? I can’t say it enough, Cher, but it’s _true_. It’s the most honest fucking I’ve ever said. I love you, Cheryl Blossom. I love you.”

Cheryl’s sobbing, soaking up every admittance as if it’s their first, murmuring back incoherently, “I’m sorry, Toni, I just… I find it so hard to believe. It’s like… no one’s ever loved me before. And I’m so scared because… you could just fall… _out_ of love with me, right?”

“Nope,” Toni says softly. “Sure, we’re having a couple issues right now, Cher, but… I’m _never_ gonna stop loving you. I promise. I’m never leaving you again.”

“I… I don’t _want_ you to…”

“I’m not, baby, please believe me.”

“I have so many issues, Toni, I can’t just _believe_ you. It’s not that easy.”

“I know, sweetie. You’re okay. We’re gonna sort this out. I promise.”

And, for now, that’s enough for both of them. The promise of tomorrow.  


	13. Graveyard of Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um. If I write a summary it's gonna give it away but y'know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for major character death, self harm, suicidal thoughts, but I promise there's a bit of fluff. Love y'all. Comments make my day xxxxxxxxx (so many kisses)

It can’t be real. It can’t –

It is.

Toni screams, clutching at Cheryl as the redhead’s body goes limp, kicking out at whoever’s trying to pull her off. “No! Let me hold her – Sweet Pea – let me – she can’t _no!_ ”

She looks down at Cheryl and regrets doing so immediately, her girlfriend's normally grinning face looking so painfully free of emotion, her big, brown eyes glassy. Toni can’t feel her breath anymore, and she sobs, regretting every life choice she’s ever made.

If she hadn’t have been in a gang, this wouldn’t have happened. If she wasn’t so fucking independent, Cher wouldn’t be –

Toni lets out another ear piercing scream, taking in shuddering breaths and gagging them out. “Peaches, give me the knife.”

The other girl shakes her head, looking distraught. “Boss, no –”

Toni rips it out of her hand, takes another look at Cher and throws herself on top of the redhead’s still body. “I don’t… wanna be alive with _out_ her, Peaches.”

“Toni…”

“No!” She buries her face in Cheryl’s cooling neck, inhaling her perfume. “I can’t – I can’t do this. I can’t do this without her.”

She pulls herself off Cheryl and looks down at the graveyard of scars on her wrists, not thinking twice before slicing the knife across one of the larger ones. It stings, and _fuck_ , it feels good.

She does it twice, three times more and then watches the blood pool on top of Cheryl’s already bloody poisons’ jacket, her body wracked with heavy sobs.

“I’m sorry, Pea. I’m so sorry.”

She’s not dying. She mustn’t have cut deep enough, it doesn’t even hurt. She pulls the knife across her wrists again and screams when she re-realises Cheryl’s not breathing, flinging herself on top of the taller girl and clutching her tight. Someone’s trying to pull her off – no!

“No!” Let her hold her, one last time. Please let her hold her and never let go. She doesn’t want to do this.

“Toni –”

“Let me hold her!”

“I will, Toni, hang on. Babe, listen to me –”

“I want Cheryl!”

“Toni…”

“I want _Cheryl_!” It hits her that she’ll never have Cheryl again. She’ll never hear her laugh, that tiny little snort that emerges only when it’s just them. She’ll never again be able to kiss the redhead, to lose and find herself at once in those plump red lips. She’ll never get home to a warm bath with Cher’s hands raking through her hair, never feel the other girl’s soft skin against her own as they slide into Cheryl’s bed. Never again will Toni Topaz know the touch of Cheryl Blossoms smooth fingers and never again will she want to live.

“Toni, come on, listen to me –”

Toni screams, screams and screams until her throat is raw and she’s scratching at everything, trying her best to get out of whoever’s grip and back to her girlfriend.

“TT.”

She wants to yell. She wants to yell that that’s Cheryl’s name, but she’s crying so hard that if she talks she’ll burst forward with enough tears to make a river.

“TT, sweetheart, listen to me. It’s me, baby.”

Maybe Toni _is_ dying after all, because that sounds like Cheryl. She sobs harder, wrestling against the strong hands that have her in their grip, wanting Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl.

“Toni, open your eyes.”

They’re open, goddammit! She wants to shut them, to block Cheryl’s bloody body from her view. She can’t stop seeing it.

“TT, sweetheart, open your eyes for me, please.”

“I… I can’t… Cher…”

“Yeah, baby, it’s me. Open your eyes, Toni. Open them for me.”

She tries her hardest, she does, but maybe if she opens them Cheryl will be actually gone and it will all be so _final_.

“TT, look at me. Look at me, sweetheart. Open your eyes, Toni. It’s me. Come on, baby girl.”

Toni squeezes her eyes open and everything’s dark. “Cher!”

“I’m here,” Cheryl whispers, grabbing her girlfriend. “Calm down, Toni, let me hold you.”

“No… Cher…”

“Let me hold you, Toni.”

Her eyes adjust to the low light and she pounces, all 100 pounds of her wrapping itself around Cheryl’s body, legs linked tight around the redhead’s waist and arms clinging around her neck. Toni buries her face in Cheryl’s collar, breathing her in, her small body shaking with uncontrollable sobs.

“Shh, TT,” Cheryl soothes quietly. “It was just a dream, baby, you’re okay.”

“Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.”

“I’m not, Toni,” Cheryl whispers. “Not now, not ever. You just breathe with me, baby, that’s my girl. Good girl, Toni. Good girl.”

Toni sits up, her legs still wrapped tight around Cheryl, and brings her shaking hands up to touch Cheryl’s face. Her bitten fingernails trail over her girlfriend’s cheekbones, her nose, her ears, her eyes. They tuck strands of fiery hair behind alabaster ears and run down Cheryl’s smooth neck. Toni roams her hands over every part of Cheryl’s body she can reach, brushing her finger pads over Cheryl’s lips, her shoulders, her waist, tears streaming down her face, til Cheryl reaches down and catches Toni’s hands, bringing both of her hands to hold them and pulling them up to her lips, pressing them against them. Then she drops one hand, keeping a tight hold on the other, and brings it to the back of Toni’s neck, pulling the shorter girl forward and resting her forehead against Toni’s, her lips inches from the others.

“I love you, Antoinette,” she whispers, and Toni nods. “I’m never leaving you. Not by choice, and not by fate. I love you too much. I’m right here, forever and always. You’re stuck with me.”

Toni launches forward and wraps her girlfriend in the tightest hug, her arms slung tight around the redhead, legs never letting go. Cheryl smiles softly and hugs her girlfriend back, understanding Toni’s need to hold and be held, both of them revelling in the fact they get to do this very thing.

Toni doesn’t let go the entire night, not even when she finally drifts back to sleep. Cheryl gets no where near her minimum beauty rest, but she doesn’t complain, not when her girlfriend is so damn _adorable_. And even the next day at school, Toni’s noticeably clingier, rarely seen not touching her girlfriend, plonking herself right in Cheryl’s lap during lunch break and begging the redhead to call off Vixen’s training because she wants to cuddle.

Everyone else is slightly confused, and, in Swangs’ case, a little bit sickened (at least, that’s what they tell everyone. Fangs and Sweet Pea love Choni’s PDA’s as much as the next person. Fangs has once been caught calling them ‘cute’. He’ll swear against it, of course, because he’s a serpent, he doesn’t find anything cute). But Cheryl puts up with it with a proud smirk on her face, holding Toni back and sacrificing the feeling in both her legs and one arm during lunch and calling off Vixen’s practise with only a little begging on Toni’s behalf (okay, literally none, her girlfriend’s puppy dog eyes are impossible to say no to). Because Cheryl Blossom, HBIC, knows better than any that nightmares are sometimes all-consuming, and she’ll stop at nothing to make her beautiful girlfriend happy again.


	14. Unspoken Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addressing Toni's 'graveyard of scars'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR WARNING FOR SELF HARM AND SUICIDE  
> i don't love this work but i'm posting it anyway because someone requested it :)  
> comments make my day. ily all xx  
> (also i have major writers block so if you want me to write anything pleaseeee let me know because at least then i'll be inspired)

Of course Cheryl noticed. She noticed the first freaking night at the sleep over, when Toni had been getting changed. She’d meant to bring it up but then Nana Rose had fallen (read: been pushed) and she’d forgotten the rest.

And then she’d re-noticed when Toni saved her. That night, Cheryl’d run her hands over Toni’s entire body to convince herself that the shorter girl was actually there, that it wasn’t just a hallucination. They’d both been so exhausted and Cheryl had decided that it was a conversation for another day.

She’d noticed when they first had sex. But, you know, _way to ruin the mood, Cheryl_.

But no. She wasn’t putting it off anymore. They needed to have this conversation – to grow, to prosper, to be able to have a healthy relationship. It was unavoidable. They needed to talk about it tonight.

“TT?”

Toni’s snuggled tight against her girlfriend, her face a calm contrast to the stress ball it had been a few hours ago before their final exam. She looks up slightly, her eyes questioning, one hand reaching up to stroke her girlfriend’s chest.

Cheryl smiles, catching the hand that’s playing gently with the front of her top. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Toni murmurs back, leaning up to press a kiss to Cheryl’s collar bone. “What’s up?”

Cheryl hesitates – it wasn’t supposed to be this hard to talk about. “Uh…”

“What is it?” Toni asks, shifting so she rests on her elbow, her face even with Cheryl. The redhead looks down, taking one of Toni’s lean wrists in her fingers and running her fingers over the many smooth scars on her girlfriend’s arm.

When Cheryl looks back up, there are so many unspoken words between them. Toni knows she needs to tell Cheryl about her past but… she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to think about it. She’s so goddamn happy, right here, with her girlfriend, she doesn’t want to open up old wounds.

She feels a tear roll down her face and suddenly they’re falling quickly, warm drops rolling down her cheeks silently. Cheryl gives her a soft, encouraging smile and reaches up to wipe a tear away, but Toni stops her, falling against her girlfriend in great, air consuming sobs.

Cheryl regrets asking _immediately_.

 _You made her cry. You were both comfortable and happy and then you just had to make her cry_.

“Toni.”

She shakes her head, snuggling deeper, pulling her sleeves down desperately.

“Toni, please.”

“No.”

“Toni, I… I deserve to know, baby girl.”

Toni jerks up, shuffling backwards, and Cheryl starts to cry just as Toni starts to yell.

“Listen, since you’re so focussed on knowing what the hell’s wrong with me, why I’m so broken. My uncle used to beat me, my parents died when I was nine, I got kicked out of the serpents and everyone I lived with was homophobic. Excuse me if I never wanted to bring that up, Cheryl, excuse me for not wanting to –”

She’s broken off by a pair of warm arms enclosing her in the tightest, most comforting hug that’s ever existed.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Cheryl whispers, her own tears making her cheeks shine. “I’m sorry for bringing it up – no, Toni, calm down – and I’m so sorry any of that… that… _bullshit_ ever happened to you. Coz… Toni Topaz, you don’t deserve any of it, sweetheart. None of it at all. Okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Toni whispers. “I didn’t meant to yell at you. And… the cuts… the scars… I – fuck.” She laughs slightly through her tears. “I couldn’t _feel_ , Cheryl! Not til you. You’re the first person in years who’s looked past my… my, I don’t know. The fact I’m – I was – a serpent. You’re the first person to ask about them. I used to cut just to know that things could still hurt me.”

Cheryl sighs, pressing her lips to her girlfriend’s head. “I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Toni whispers. “You’re the one who made me stop.”

Cheryl nods, trailing her fingers up and down Toni’s wrist. “I… shit, T.” She pauses for a second. “I love you, baby girl. You’re so strong.”

Toni shrugs. “I don’t feel strong.”

“I know,” Cheryl murmurs. “God, Toni, I love you.”

Toni starts to cry again. “They’re so _ugly_. They make me ugly, Cher, I regret it but I also… don’t?”

Cheryl soothes her, stroking her fingers through her girlfriend’s hair. “I really, really love you, Toni. Nothing – _nothing_ – could change that. I think you’re fucking beautiful. You are the strongest, most talented, amazing girl I’ve ever met, and I think that you’re so amazing, you know that? You’re my inspiration every fucking day, Toni.”

Toni’s sobbing now, staring at her girlfriend through heavily flowing tears. “I don’t… get you.”

Cheryl smiles. “Why not?”

“You’re so perfect,” Toni whispers. “You don’t let any of my flaws affect this… relationship. You’re always… so accepting… and you don’t _care_ that I’m broken – wait, no, you do, you care, but you don’t – you don’t treat me differently. And… I don’t even know, Cher. I don’t know how you don’t find me seriously unattractive.”

Cheryl narrows her eyes. “I really hope, Toni Topaz, that I did not just hear you say that.”

Toni shrugs, training her eyes on redhead’s fingers, fiddling with her own.

“Toni.” Cheryl’s voice is soft, little more than a whisper. “Look at me.”

The shorter girl shakes her head.

“Toni.”

Her head raises, her eyes meeting brown one’s fleetingly before looking back down.

“Okay,” Cheryl whispers. “I’m gonna tell you something, okay, TT? Something I probably should’ve told you before, but, yknow, we’re past that.” She laughs gently, fingering Toni’s soft hands. “Okay… so, a couple months before I met you, okay?” Silence from the other girl. “Okay, Toni?”

“Okay.”

“And I kinda… I thought I had nothing left. Everything was dark, so, _so_ dark. And I took… I took myself down to Sweetwater and… and fell through. If… if it wasn’t for Archie, I wouldn’t be here. I – Toni, I know how you feel. _I know how you feel_.”

“I’m broken.”

“So am I,” Cheryl laughs slightly. “We’re all broken, Toni. We’re all fucking broken. That doesn’t mean we can’t be fixed. It doesn’t make us any less beautiful. It makes us intricate. And lovable. And beautiful. You’re so beautiful. Toni. You’re beautiful.”

Toni looks up at her now, eyes filled with tears. “I love you. I lo-love you so-so much, Cher… what a-am I d-d-doing? What’s g-go-in on? Cheryl –”

Cheryl pulls her forward and presses her to her chest. “I don’t know, baby. I don’t know. But I love you, and you love me, and that’s what we’re gonna start with. Okay? Let’s go from there.”

“From there,” Toni whispers. She curls into Cheryl and looks up. “Cher?”

“ _Oui, mon amour_?”

Toni giggles, turning serious. “If I ever wanna do it again…” she pauses, gesturing to her wrists. “Can you stop me?”

Cheryl shrugs. “Can I?”

Toni nods. “Yeah. You can.”

Cheryl nods then. “Okay. Um… Toni?”

There’s a sound of admittance.

“If I… if I was to go to therapy… like… like you want. Would you come? Not… not with me… just, I – be there? Be there when I come out… or go in, I don’t know…”

“Yeah,” Toni whispers.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”


	15. Infected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni's sick and Cheryl's done with it.

Cheryl sighs as she climbs into her car, rubbing at her eyes. She’s so glad it’s almost the weekend. She just wants to _sleep_.

Toni’s been sick the whole week. The smaller girl had woken up Monday morning with a raging fever, and she hadn’t kept food down since, her voice non-existent and her skin clammy. Cheryl hasn’t been sleeping, looking after Toni and doing her schoolwork and trying to not get selfishly panicky because her girlfriend was mostly unconscious and therefore not paying her any attention.

She closes her eyes for a second and swallows, taking a swig of cold water from her bottle before clicking the keys in and starting the ignition, her car coughing to a start.

The drive to Thistle House is spent in silence, and thoughts run through her head, this way and that, increasing her anxiety until she has to pull over and breathe for a minute so that she’s not a blubbering mess when she gets home to Toni.

When she finally does, the shorter girl’s asleep, a stinking bowl of sick next to her which Cheryl empties with a gag, but thank _god_ her fever’s broken.

Cheryl cleans up a bit, strips from her HBIC outfit into much more comfortable sweatpants and one of Toni’s hoodies before laying down next to her girlfriend – not too close, like hell is she going to get sick.

She wants to cry. She’s so done. School had just been getting easier, just been starting to feel okay again. She’d been doing well, not so many panic attacks, not so many freak outs and lash outs and yelling at the others.

But god, this week’s been hard. And she knows that everything would be okay if Toni would just… just look at her. Talk to her with something other than feverish hallucinating mumbles. Kiss her. Touch her. Hold her.

And Cheryl knows she’s being selfish. She’s not even the sick one! But she feels that Toni – being cared for in every way possible, missing school and _sleeping_ – Toni has it good, here. She’s the one this affecting more. She just wants a _cuddle_ , for fuck’s sake.

Toni shifts and Cheryl rolls over, looking down at her, her resolve dissolving as she sees Toni looking back up at her.

“Hey,” Cheryl whispers, starting to cry. “Hey, baby girl.”

“What is it?” Toni rasps, coughing and clearing her throat before trying again. “What’s wrong, Cher?”

Cheryl gives up on everything and collapses into her girlfriend, sobs wracking her body as she clings to Toni, tears falling down her cheeks.

Toni shifts up. “Cheryl.”

Cheryl pulls back. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey,” Toni croaks, coughing again. “Hey, shh, Cher, come here.”

Cheryl smashes her lips against Toni’s, pulling back quickly and crying harder. It’s like everything has gone to utter shit, she doesn’t even know how to exist anymore.

Toni laughs softly. “Cher, babe, breathe for me. That’s my girl. Breathe, Cheryl. You’re okay. Talk to me.”

“I fo-forgot how h-ha-hard school is… without you.”

Toni smiles. “I’m here now, and I feel a shit-ton better, and we have the whole weekend together. Okay? You’re my priority.”

“But you’re sick –”

Toni shrugs. “Don’t kiss me. And we’ll sleep. C’mon, Cher, come here, snuggle down, babe, you’re okay.”

Cheryl scoots over to Toni and curls into her girlfriend’s side, feeling, _finally_ , safe.


	16. Infected, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, roles reversed, Cheryl's sick, and you know she hates it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt from... abi! Thank you to Abi because i have so much writer's block right now (mainly because of hiatus i guess), which sucks because your girl is on vacation, with nothing to do except neglected biology homework and writing! So, send through the prompts, pretty please, because if i have something/someone to write for i'll definitely do it. This block of mine is also the reason my work isn't as up-to-standard as usual, because i literally HAVE NO INSPIRATION, SOMEONE HELP. anyway, comments have been FLOWING in and each one makes me happier than the last, i'm not even joking, they make my day. Anyway, i'm off to find some good edits to watch so that perhaps it will inspiRE ME to write more, love you, comment and like and all that - and follow me on twitter! please. @poeticdaya. Love you xxxxxx

_Shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT._  

Cheryl moans softly, her head fuzzy and her mouth clammy and her face hot and feeling _sick_.

“Fuck,” she whispers, cracking her eyes open. Fuck, she feels sick.

She cranks her neck to face Toni, her stomach rolling uncomfortably. Shit.

The other girl’s snoring softly, and Cheryl feels a clammy chill roll through her body and she starts to shiver. Oh, fuck.

If there’s one thing Cheryl Blossom hates, utterly _detests,_ it’s being sick. She hates more than anything being helpless and feeling like shit.

 _God_ , she feels sick. It stresses her out, in all honesty. It’s like, the minute she’s sick her anxiety increases tenfold and she’s scared that she’ll get Toni sick and that she’ll miss out on too much school, and fuck, is she _dying_?

She realises now that kissing Toni yesterday wasn’t the best idea and probably is the reason she’s feeling like crap now. But it was worth it.

Was it?

Cheryl’s stomach spasms and she brings a sticky hand up to rest on it, closing her eyes with a pained sigh. She can feel it churning beneath her fingers and she swallows continuously, willing herself not to throw up.

Throwing up is – it’s a quirk of hers. She hates it. Absolutely hates it. It makes her feel sick even just seeing someone else gag, let alone throwing up herself.

It’s too much. And if she’s gonna be sick, she wants to _not_ throw up all over herself. May as well die in luxury.

She heaves herself into a sitting position and almost upends her stomach contents right there. Taking a deep breath and putting the back of her hand over her mouth, she burps, two tears falling from her eyes. This _sucks_.

She really wants to wake Toni. The smaller girl will know what to do, she’s always been more rational. But Toni’s been sick for ages and Cheryl wants her to get better, so she crawls into the bathroom alone, shutting the door behind her and leaning her head against the cool tiles.

_Fuck, she feels sick._

Cheryl scoots closer to the toilet, her stomach churning, anxiety blossoming as she kneads her belly with shaking hands.

Maybe, she thinks, if she throws up she’ll feel better and stop feeling quite so gross.

Okay. She’s gonna do it. She’s gonna stop putting it off because the virus has to get out of her _somehow_ , she may as well do it now.

Cheryl starts to cry, wrapping a pale arm around her stomach and leaning over the bowl, closing her eyes.

Nothing happens. Literally nothing. She curses and coughs, but nope. Nothing.

She sighs, resting her cheek against the toilet seat, completely aware that it’s disgusting but feeling terrible enough that she doesn’t care. She burps again, her stomach flipping, but nothing happens and somehow, this is worse than actually vomiting.

Maybe she should induce it somehow. Or maybe she should just sleep. Maybe it’s all fine and she’ll be better in the morning.

She stands up and flicks the light off, reaching for the door handle before feeling her stomach clench uncomfortably, groaning and collapsing down over the toilet again. She takes a big, deep breath and feels it move her stomach, tensing up and clutching at the sides of the bowl, positioning her head over it.

She doesn’t want to do this. She really, really doesn’t want to throw up. Someone help!

“Toni,” she moans, not loud enough to actually wake the girl but really wanting her. The action, simply speaking, makes her gag and she leans back over the bowl, her tongue moving about as her stomach contracts until _finally_ she lurches forward and the congealed contents of her stomach make their way into the toilet bowl.

With a string of bile resting on her chin, she heaves again and flushes, falling backwards and taking gasping breaths, her anxiety kicking in full blown.

“ _Toni! Toni!”_ It’s like a mantra, she feels so sick and she just needs help right now, she can’t be alone. She looks around, eyeing everything in the bathroom, and trying to just get _one_ full breath in, but she can’t and she’s gasping and when Toni walks in she’s got her head stuck over the toilet again, gagging and crying as last night’s dinner resurfaces.

Toni sighs, pulling Cheryl’s red locks back from her face as the other girl hurls, flushing it when she’s done. Cheryl cries, turning and nestling her face into Toni’s chest, her shoulders shaking with sobs.

“I can’t breathe, TT,” she whispers. “Help.”

Toni swears – great, of course Cheryl’s having a panic attack when she’s sick. Double whammy, because it’s not like Cheryl’s life is peachy even when she’s well.

“You got it, Cher,” Toni murmurs. “Just try to keep in time with me. Remember? In for four, okay? And… go. One… two… three… four…”

Cheryl pulls away and throws up again, looking up at Toni with teary, scared eyes. “I don’t wanna be sick,” she whispers, coughing. “I don’t like it.”

Toni smiles softly. “It’s okay, baby, let’s just get you calmed down a bit and then I’ll make you feel better, okay?”

Cheryl nods, gasping for breath, and Toni brings the redhead’s hands into her own and starts drawing patterns with her thumb in the soft skin between Cheryl’s pointer finger and thumb. “Breathe with me, baby girl,” Toni whispers.

“Toni,” Cheryl moans, her eyes filled with tears. “I threw up.”

“I know, sweetheart,” Toni says. “And that sucks. I know. But you’ve gotta calm down, Cher, or else you’re gonna throw up again.”

That was _not_ the right thing to say. The redhead’s breathing increases, her breaths coming in short pants and gasps and Toni bites her lip, stroking her girlfriend’s damp, feverish skin. God, it sucks that Cheryl’s having a panic attack while she’s got the flu, because normally she’d give her some food, or slow dance with her, or kiss her tears away, or _something_ , but she doesn’t want to trigger more puking so she can’t even move the redhead.

“Okay,” she whispers. “How are you feeling right now. Better?”

Cheryl shakes her head. “Really, really sick.”

“Alright,” Toni sighs. “Hey, come here, can you move?”

Cheryl nods, shifting slowly into Toni’s lap, laying her head back against the shorter girl’s chest. “I can’t breathe properly, Toni.”

“Feel my chest,” Toni whispers, laying the redhead between her legs. “Just try to sync your breathing with mine.”

“Kay,” Cheryl whispers, and Toni can tell she’s trying.

“How about now,” she whispers, five minutes later when all her hair stroking and slow breathing has seemed to affect Cheryl for the better. “How do you feel.”

“I have a really bad headache,” Cheryl whispers. “And I’m really cold. And my stomach hurts.”

“Can I move you back to bed?”

“Don’t leave me!”

“I’m not,” Toni whispers, grinning. “I just don’t wanna sleep on the cold ass tiles.”

Cheryl nods, and Toni pulls her up with a grunt, carrying the redhead quickly over to the bed and setting a bowl down next to her before getting in beside her girlfriend and pulling her close. “I love you,” she whispers. “Get well soon.”

When she looks back down, Cheryl’s fast asleep.


	17. Behind The Bleachers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me, it's yet ANOTHER heathers-esque choni angst fic. Sorry, not sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just found this, i wrote it about a week ago when i was INSPIRED UNLIKE NOW PLEASE SOMEONE HELP. i'll shut up about my writer's block (but seriously it's killing me pleasseeeeee send me promptssss) and give you the chapter haha. love you all. comments appreciated. Bisous! xx
> 
> UPDATE: oops, i accidentally uploaded the wrong chapter, forgive me. IN OTHER NOTES VANESSA FREAKING MORGAN IS COMING TO COMIC CON AND Y'ALL KNOW IM EXCITED IM GONNA MEET TONI TOPAZ AHHHHH

They’ve been practising stupid candy store for HOURS, and Toni Topaz is DONE. Cheryl keeps pushing and shoving her and she’s just so over whatever the hell is happening between them, it’s not even funny. She’s been couch hopping for the last couple of nights, sleeping with some of the Poisons and at her uncle’s when he’s out, but she’s so exhausted - she forgot how hard sleeping without Cheryl was - the nightmares have been never ending and she’s just plain DONE.

Cheryl shoves her especially hard and she falls backwards, looking up at her former girlfriend with tears in her eyes before shooting a glance to Kevin and walking right out of there. Peaches tries to follow and she hears Kev yell at Cheryl to come apologise but she can’t see, she’s so exhausted and she just wants a hug.

“ _Fine_ ,” Cheryl’s voice echoes through the auditorium and Toni runs faster, faster and faster until everything’s a blur and she trips, crawling behind the bleachers where she sung to Cheryl last year during _Carrie_.

Once she starts crying, she can’t stop. It’s like all the pain from the last week, all the exhaustion and terror and sleepless nights without the redhead catch up at once. She curls into herself, under one of the bleachers, and sobs, only looking up when the door slams.

“Kevin says I have to apologise,” Cheryl glares at her. “So, here I am.”

Toni wipes her eyes quickly. “Do yourself a favour and just get the hell away from me, Cheryl.”

Cheryl rolls her eyes. “Yeah, because Kev wouldn’t kill me.”

“Cheryl, I swear to god, if you’re doing this for yourself and Kevin then just leave.”

Cheryl shrugs, coming closer so she can see Toni in the dark room. “Hey, wait - have you been crying?”

Toni scoffs. “Like you care.”

“What if I do? You’re not a crier, Topaz.”

“And you didn’t use to be a violent person around me, Cher. Things change.”

Cheryl sighs. “I’m sorry, Toni, alright?”

Toni looks at her. “You’re just saying that because Kevin told you to.”

“What it I’m actually being nice?”

“For once,” Toni adds, and Cheryl looks at her, shocked, before bursting out laughing.

“For once,” she agrees. “Pretty sure you’re the only person I’ve ever been nice to for more than, like, four and a half minutes.”

Toni snorts and then wipes her eyes. “Yeah, well... I didn’t really give up on you, did I?”

There’s silence and she whispers the next sentence. “I still haven’t.”

Cheryl looks right at her, letting down the HBIC façade for the first time since they broke up. “Toni -”

Toni shrugs. “I get that we’re fighting. But I don’t get why? What are we even - what’s going on between us? Why are you being a bitch? Why am I being a bitch?”

Cheryl shrugs. “You tell me, you were the one who said it was ‘too much, too fast’.”

“Moving in with you, Cheryl!” Toni explodes. “That doesn’t mean I wanted to break up! It didn’t mean I wanted you to push and shove me around for the next week! It just meant I felt cooped up and claustrophobic and needed my own space for a bit, okay? And I’ll have you know that -” she stops, blushing. “Never mind.”

Cheryl swallows thickly. “Have me know what?”

Toni shrugs. “I haven’t slept more than two hours a night since I left.”

Cheryl snickers. “Me neither.”

“Nightmares?” Toni asks softly, and Cheryl nods.

“You too?”

“Yeah,” Toni whispers. “Cher...” she shakes her head, her eyes stinging with tears again. “What’s going on?”

Cheryl shrugs. “I don’t... even... know.”

Toni gives up. She gives up on any façade and starts to cry, letting the tears fall down her pretty face. It’s not long before she’s taking gasping breaths, sobs bursting from her body like water from behind a dam wall, her cries echoing in the empty chamber. Cheryl manages to watch for a minute, maybe two, before she closes her eyes and reaches hesitantly for Toni’s hand.

The minute their skin makes contact Toni lets out a sharp breath and scrambles until she’s settled safely in Cheryl’s lap, her tear-streaked face against the redhead’s chest. Cheryl laughs softly, pressing a kiss to the shorter girl’s head, wiping gently at her cheeks fruitlessly, Toni’s tears falling as fast as Cheryl can wipe them away.

“What if I told you I haven’t given up on you yet either?” Cheryl whispers, and Toni hiccups, looking up at her.

Cheryl smiles softly, bringing a finger up to tilt Toni’s face towards her before leaning down and gently capturing the shorter girl’s lips in her own.

And oh, how they’ve both missed this. Cheryl’s not sure how they’ve even made it a week without making out, without touching, without _sex_. She’s missed the other girl so much, and her lips - god. She’ll never take them for granted again. She strengthens the kiss and Toni squirms beneath her, whining keenly when Cheryl pulls away.

Toni attacks her again almost instantly, flipping her legs around Cheryl’s waist expertly and reattaching herself to the redhead’s lips. She curls a hand into the red locks covering the other girl’s shoulders and strokes gently across the smooth skin below Cheryl’s ear until the girl lets out a breathy moan and opens her mouth so that Toni can gain access with her tongue.

Toni sucks hard on Cheryl’s bottom lip, biting it gently before soothing it with her tongue, allowing the muscle to slide into Cheryl’s mouth with a sigh. She opens her mouth fully, kissing Cheryl with her tongue and pressing herself closer to the redhead’s warm body.

“TT,” Cheryl pants, pulling away with a peck. “Can we please try this again?”

Toni nods, descending back down onto Cheryl’s mouth and lapping it up like a puppy with cold water. She holds Cheryl’s face and kisses her over and over, her mouth closing on the redhead’s lips before slipping her tongue into Cheryl’s mouth and letting out a soft moan.

Backing her girlfriend up against one of the bleachers, Toni presses full, open mouthed kisses to Cheryl’s lips, allowing her tongue to do most of the work and giving French kissing a new meaning.

“Toni,” Cheryl says eventually, pulling away breathlessly. “I’ve missed you, and I wanna continue this later, but we have to stop or else I won’t be able to.”

Toni pouts, pressing kisses to Cheryl’s face where ever she can, and the redhead laughs. “Cmon, sweetheart, lets go surprise the crap out of the others and stop fighting about stupid choreo. Show me your moves, okay? And I’ll consider adding them to my flawless routine.”

Toni laughs, reaching up to wipe a smudge of blood-red lipstick from Cheryl’s chin before handing her a tube of pink. “Show then you’re mine again,” she whispers, and Cheryl grins, carefully applying a layer of gloss to her swollen lips.

“Better?” She asks, and Toni grins, pressing her lips against the redhead’s once more before standing up and pulling her girlfriend along behind her, back to rehearsals.


	18. No More Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl goes to visit Penelope and gets hurt. She tries to hide it from Toni but... our little Poisons leader is VERY observant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts! See what happens when i get prompts! I post more! I write more! I'm happy! ALSO IM GONNA MEET VANESSA SOMEONE TELL ME IM DREAMING. Okay so prompt from @theauthenticme and seconded by @BritishGirlWhoWrites :))) this was so fun to write, possibly because i actually had something to write for the first time in about a week! yay! prompts and comments A PRE CI A TED ily all xx
> 
> I FORGOT THE TRIGGER WARNING SHIT SORRY TW FOR ABUSE AND HOMOPHOBIA - SORRY BABES.  
> Oh, also, we hit 20k words! Yay! there's 50k in my ideas aha but most of them don't even make it into a document let alone here, anyway, love you all, the comments are making my nights, and I GOT ANOTHER PROMPT SO YOU BET I'LL BE UPLOADING TOMORROW XXX

Okay, so perhaps going to visit her _witch_ of a mother without Toni wasn’t the best of ideas. But she’s been thinking about what Toni said – about independence and not doing everything as a _pair_ , and she wanted to do this one thing for herself, to prove to Toni – and herself – that she could do things on her own.

But, she definitely regrets it right now, on the very edge of a panic attack with no one to calm her down. So she looks at her phone, at the most adorable picture of her girlfriend pouting her lips at the camera as her lock screen, sees a new message from Archie and shuts it off quietly, taking a deep breath and knocking on the door.

Her mother opens it within seconds, beckoning her daughter in with a heavy eye roll and locking it behind her. Cheryl looks around in disgust, realising just how _gross_ her mother’s business actually is, despite the fact it’s free of… _customers_ … at the present instance.

She follows her mother in and keeps breathing slowly, like Toni would tell her to if she was here, playing nervously with the necklace her girlfriend had gotten her last month for their anniversary.

“Tea?” Penelope Blossom asks, and Cheryl shakes her head, no. She’s been poisoned once already, she doesn’t want it to happen again. Her mother shrugs and pours a cup for herself, taking a sip almost immediately and sitting opposite her daughter.

“What brings you here, child?” Penelope drawls, and Cheryl swallows thickly, dropping her hands into her lap.

“I wanted to ask a couple of favours, mummy dearest,” she says, locking eyes with her mother before looking down again.

Penelope tuts. “Okay…”

“Firstly, it’s Toni’s birthday next week and I was hoping to take her away for the weekend, just for a few days, but someone has to care for Nana Rose, and as much as I despise your methods of care, her carer’s away and I need someone to look after her.”

“That will be fine,” Penelope says sharply. “I’ll hire someone. What’s next?”

Cheryl sighs, taking in a sharp breath and bringing her hand back to fiddle with her necklace. “I… wanted to know if you still have Nana’s ring.”

“And why,” Penelope sneers. “Would you need that?”

“I want to give it to Toni,” she says, standing her ground confidently. “As a promise ring. I… I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And I think, as my rightful property, I should be able to give her Nana’s ring.”

Penelope pushes her chair back with a bang, standing tall over Cheryl.

“And you have the _audacity_ to think that your Nana would be happy with her ring going to waste on a… relationship of your lifestyle?”

“Nana loves Toni…”

Penelope struts around the table and pulls Cheryl up roughly. “She doesn’t, and you don’t either. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – you don’t know _love_ , Cheryl. You never will.”

Cheryl knows that if she leaves now, everything will be fine. But she’s so sick of this, and her mother just insulted _Toni,_ goddammit! “Toni _loves_ me,” she hisses. “I _do_ know love. I love Toni and you can’t stop me. And if you don’t give me the fucking ring I will –”

“Language, Cheryl,” her mother scoffs. “That southside girl doesn’t love you – how could she? You’re a real bitch, you know that? You’ve probably manipulated her until she’s putty beneath your fingers, too scared to disobey less you hurt her. That’s what you do with everyone, Cheryl. That’s why no one stays.” She pulls her daughter closer and stares right into her. “Understand?”

“No!” Cheryl shouts, her voice echoing around the small room. “I’m _not_ deviant! I’m not! I’m – I’m –”

_What if her mother’s right?_

Penelope laughs. “Cat got your tongue? I’m right, and you know it. Either way, Cheryl, people of your… association deserved to be punished, don’t you think?”

“No…” Cheryl whispers. “Please, no.”

Her mother snickers. “You’re a little _slut_ , Cheryl Marjorie. Now, hands out, okay? If you _behave_ , this will be over quickly.”

Cheryl whimpers, holding her palms out as her mother whips them again and again. She holds in her tears easily, the action impulsive after years and years of abuse and tries not to think about how disappointed Toni will be that she didn’t stand up for herself. She rides it out and then leaves without another word to her mother, only letting her tears fall once she’s started the long walk home.

She can’t tell Toni. The other girl had been so proud when Cheryl had gotten the papers signed to emancipate herself, and she’d told Cheryl how amazing she was when she stood up for herself. And plus, how was she supposed to let Toni know why she was there in the first place? Both reasons were surprises – something nice she wanted to do for her girlfriend to make up for how… crappy their relationship had been in the past month.

She wipes her eyes as she nears Thistle House, sniffling and blaming her red rims on the cold. She goes straight up to her bedroom, thanking god that Toni’s not home yet, and strips, stepping into the shower and letting the hot water soothe her body, washing off everything bad that’s happened in the last few hours.

When she gets out, she wraps herself in one of Toni’s flannels and spritzes it with some of her girlfriend’s perfume, curling up in bed. She tries to draw but her hands have swollen to at least half their size, red and welted and really _gross_. So she puts the tv on and starts watching, drifting in and out of consciousness.

She wakes up properly when she feels soft hands combing through her hair, and she jumps backwards when she realises it’s Toni, shoving her hands quickly beneath a pillow and letting out a hiss of pain at the contact. Toni looks _hurt_ , and Cheryl swears softly, smiling forcefully at her girlfriend.

“Hey, babe,” she chokes out, clenching her teeth at the burning in her palms. “How was work?”

“Good enough,” Toni shrugs, smiling back. “What have you done all day? Just sat here and binged Brooklyn nine-nine?”

Cheryl looks away. “Yeah, pretty much.”

Toni laughs, pressing a kiss to Cheryl’s head and not noticing the other girl’s flinch. “You need to get out more, my love. I’m gonna go have a shower and then maybe we can go out to eat? I kinda want tacos.”

Cheryl nods, giving her another too-bright smile and flopping back against the pillows as soon as her girlfriend shuts the bathroom door behind her. A tear drips down her cheek and she wipes it away impatiently, tuning back into the tv and watching blankly until Toni returns.

The shorter girl slides into bed only in her underwear, running her hands across Cheryl’s stomach and pulling her girlfriend closer. “Hey, anything the matter?”

Cheryl shakes her head, giving her a soft smile. “I’m fine.”

Toni shrugs. “Okay, babe. Wanna come help me choose some clothes? I’ll let you do my hair.”

Cheryl smiles. “Not tonight, Toni. I’m tired.”

Toni pouts. “Cher?”

Cheryl shrugs. “I’m just tired.”

“Okay, then,” Toni says. “Come help me get dinner, okay? We’ll cook.”

Cheryl nods. “Kay.”

Toni reaches her hand out to grab Cheryl’s and this time _definitely_ notices her girlfriend flinch. “Cheryl.”

“Yes?” Cheryl asks meekly, knowing she’s not getting out of it.

“We said no more secrets,” Toni says. “What’s going on?”

Cheryl starts to cry. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Toni.”

Toni frowns, scooting back over to the bed, pulling Cheryl into her arms. “Talk to me, please.”

Cheryl shakes her head. “I’m so sorry.”

Toni reaches for Cheryl’s hand and the redhead blows a long breath through clenched teeth. “Please… don’t touch them.”

“I need to see them, please.”

“No… Toni, please… I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad, Cheryl, okay? I just want to see your hands.”

“Kay,” she whispers, holding them out.

“Oh, _shit_ ,” Toni whispers, trailing her fingers ever so gently across them. “Cher…”

“It was my mum,” Cheryl whispers. “I went to see her.”

“Oh, baby,” Toni whispers. “Why didn’t you bring me?”

“Coz you wanted to be independent?”

Toni laughs humourlessly. “That doesn’t mean I want you to get hurt, sweetie. Why’d you go see her?”

“No… I can’t.”

Toni frowns. “No more secrets.”

“I know…” Cheryl starts to cry. “I can’t tell you, I’m sorry.”

“Cheryl, you can tell me _anything_.” Toni’s getting mad, fair enough, and Cheryl takes a shuddering breath, cuddling closer into her girlfriend.

“No,” Toni says firmly. “You don’t get cuddles until I find out what you were doing at your mother's!”

Cheryl shakes her head. Like _hell_ she’s going to give up the surprise now.

“Cher, you _lied_ to me. After what we’ve talked about this week. After all we’ve been through. So it better be a good damn reason that you went to see that _bitch_ and lied to me, or else I swear to god –”

“I wanted to surprise you,” Cheryl’s words tumble out before she can stop them, determined to make Toni see that her lie was for good, that she didn’t do it to hurt anyone. “I wanted to take you away next weekend and give you my nana’s promise ring and tell you that I loved you more than anything and I went to ask her for the ring and to look after Nana Rose for the weekend and she said I was deviant and she called me a slut and she whipped me and _I’m sorry, Toni_.”

Toni falls silent, gathering the redhead to her chest. “I have so many things to comment about that sentence,” she whispers. “But this is gonna convey all of them.”

She takes Cheryl’s lips in hers, and she’s right – this kiss says _You did that for me?_ And _I love you too_ and _you’re the sweetest_ and _let’s not leave Nana Rose with your mother, that’s a dumb idea_.

And when she pulls away, Cheryl smiles for the first time all day. “I love you,” she whispers.

“I love you too,” Toni says, giving her a soft smile. “Okay, firstly, your mother’s a bitch, and secondly – you went to visit your _abuser_ for me?”

Cheryl shrugs, a smile gracing her pretty-yet-tearstained face. “I wanted you to know how much you mean to me.”

Toni shakes her head, blowing a breath through her lips. “Sometimes, Cher, you really amaze me,” she says softly. “I think I love you to the absolute maximum and you do something like this and my heart’s capacity just grows to fit… like, more love in it. All for you.”

Cheryl smiles, really, really widely. “I… I know I’m not the easiest person to date. And I wanted to do something special so that you knew how much I appreciate you – how much you mean to me. I wasn’t trying to keep secrets – I mean, I was, but not bad ones, I didn’t want you to get mad –”

“I’m not mad,” Toni promises. “In fact, I’m trying really hard not to ruin my reputation as badass gang member by crying right now.”

“Crying?” Cheryl almost freaks out. “Don’t cry!”

“Happy tears, babe,” Toni whispers, pressing her lips against Cheryl’s. “Tears of love.”

Cheryl smiles against her. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Toni whispers. “More than anything else, okay? You are – and you always will be – my number one priority. And I don’t need a promise ring to know that I’m yours too, okay?”

Cheryl pouts. “But it’s pretty!”

Toni chuckles. “Okay, baby. How about we fix those hands up, huh?”

Cheryl nods. “Kay. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Toni smiles. She leads her girlfriend carefully downstairs, giving Cheryl an ice pack to hold over her red hands as she rummages through the medicine cabinet, searching for cream. She finally finds what she’s looking for and pulls it out with a grunt, bandages stuck between her teeth.

Cheryl laughs softly as Toni gently massages the cream into her hands before wrapping them in bandages, pressing a kiss to both her girlfriend’s hands before letting their entwined hands drop into her lap. “TT?”

“Mm?” Toni hums, her face buried in Cheryl’s hair.

“How’d you know what to do?” The question’s been on Cheryl’s tongue for ages now, as soon as her girlfriend had know what had happened without asking. “You said no more secrets.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Toni muses. “Okay, baby. My uncle was a real dick, you know that?”

“Yeah,” Cheryl whispers. “He didn’t – if he hurt you, Toni, I’m going after him with my arrows.”

Toni laughs softly. “It’s okay now, babe.”

“Tis not,” Cheryl pouts, looking up at Toni. “Anyone who hurts you, ever, is gonna have me to face, okay?”

“Okay, Cher,” Toni giggles, kissing Cheryl’s nose. “How are those hands feeling?”

“Don’t change the topic – and fine, thanks to you – I’m actually gonna kill him.”

“You don’t have to,” Toni whispers. “He overdosed a couple of weeks ago.”

“Oh, _Toni_ ,” Cheryl whispers, writhing around until she’s facing her girlfriend. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Toni says quietly. “He was a dick, right?”

“People can be dicks and you still love them,” Cheryl whispers. “I would be a little bit sad if my mother died.”

Toni nods, giving Cheryl a sad smile before shaking her head and pulling her girlfriend close. “Okay, wise one, enough depression for one evening, huh? How about that food?”

“Can we just order pizza?” Cheryl asks. “I’d rather snuggle with you and eat pizza than make some inedible mess for three hours that tastes like cat shit.”

Toni snorts. “Okay. Pizza. But you’re cooking with me another time, okay?”

“Only if we make cookies.”

“Okay, then,” Toni says, kissing her quickly. “Cookies it is.”


	19. Behind The Bleachers: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for the 'Heathers' Cast's reactions to Choni getting back together. So, here it is!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, not my best work, oh well. It was a prompt. At this stage, I'm literally just trying to get something out. MORE PROMPTS PLEASE LOVELIES. If they don't make it onto the actual fic because they're crappy, i'll message you them privately somehow. xx love you ALL

The minute they walk back in, there’s a collective intake of breath from the rest of the cast. It’s been hard for Cheryl and Toni, sure, but the cast of _Heathers_ are so sick of being between the two girls, of picking sides, that they’re praying that the two have finally made up.

“Okay, ragamuffins,” Cheryl says loudly, pulling Toni up behind her. “We’re cool, stop staring.” She pulls the shorter girl closer and places a loud, possessive kiss on her lips, Toni smiling beneath her. Everyone can clearly see both Toni’s tear stained cheeks and both girl’s swollen lips, and it’s like half the stress and pressure that’s been on them for the first few weeks of rehearsals just floats away.

“Watch this,” Veronica whispers to Betty as Cheryl and Toni smile softly at each other. “She’ll make us change the whole dance to Candy Store just to match Toni’s.”

Betty groans. “For God’s sake, I’m so sick of dancing.”

Veronica laughs. “Better a happy, taken Cher than a bitchy, single one, hey?”

Betty sighs. “I guess.”

Cheryl struts over to them, pulling Toni behind her. “Okay, my heathers, here’s what’s gonna happen. Me and TT are gonna _combine_ our moves to make an _incroyable_ dance and you two are going to listen right up and copy anything to a T. Got it?”

“Got it,” they echo, sharing looks. “Wait, Cher?”

She rolls her eyes. “Yes, Ronnie?”

“It’s… good to see you back.”

Cheryl lets a soft smile encompass her face. “Thank you.”

“Let’s all say thank you, Topaz,” Betty sighs, leaning dramatically on Veronica. “For bringing back nice Cheryl so we can catch a break.”

Toni laughs. “You’re most welcome, Cooper. Anytime.”

Cheryl harrumphs and pulls Toni away from them, towards the Poisons. “Come on, mi amor, let’s go talk to your gang and figure out what we’re gonna do, hey?”

Toni smiles. “Yeah.”

Peaches looks _bored_. “Okay, boss,” she drawls, popping her gum. “What’s the deal.”

“This is my _girlfriend_ ,” Toni says softly. “We accept and appreciate her and ignore, like, anything bad that I’ve said over the last few days. Right?”

There’s a collection of nods and Cheryl gapes mockingly. “You said bad stuff about me?”

Toni scoffs. “You _literally_ pushed me. We’re even, bombshell.”

Cheryl grins, wrapping a thin wrist around Toni’s waist. “Okay.”

“Okay, lovebirds,” Kevin yells from below the stage. “While we’re all glad that #Choni has made it’s return, we still need to _rehearse_. Okay? So, enough of this, back to singing, got it?”

Toni pouts. “We haven’t figured out what we’re dancing yet.”

“Ugh, fine,” Kevin says. “Tomorrow, though, you need to have it _down_.”

Cheryl smirks, rubbing her hand soothingly up and down Toni’s back. “We’ll figure it out.”

Betty just _groans_.


	20. Selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl has a knack for being selfish. Toni's sick of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so after Infected i got a heap of backlash about how Toni should definitely not have left Cheryl be so selfish. I have multiple things to say about that hehe. Okay - firstly, Toni was drugged up to the MAX and probably just wanted to sleep. Secondly, it definitely would've been hard for Cheryl - like, yeah, Toni's sick, but Cheryl's alone again for the first time in ages. And thirdly, believe it or not, i actually agree that Cheryl probably shouldn't have put herself first haha. Okay, so this is Toni finally standing up for herself. Comments MAKE MY DAY. I love you all so much xxx

Toni jumps, turning away quickly as Cheryl waltzes into her room. “Hey, TT, how was your day?”

“Fine,” Toni says, wiping her eyes. “You?”

“Yeah, pretty good,” Cheryl says, walking around the room, putting various things away and changing into comfier clothes. “What do you want for dinner?”

Toni shrugs, still not turning towards her girlfriend. Cheryl pauses in her endeavours and sits down gently on the bed. “T?”

Toni shakes her head, the tears springing back into her eyes as quickly as she’d wiped them away minutes earlier.

Cheryl sighs, coming closer towards Toni and rubbing her thumbs over Toni’s shoulders. “You okay?”

Toni nods. “Fine.”

“Okay, well, great, because I have good news! So, today, I was talking to Weatherbee, and he said that I could be in charge of –”

“My _god_ , Cheryl!”

Cheryl stops. “What?”

“You’re always… so… _selfish_. I’m _not_ okay. Really, really not. And I’ve had a shit week and you haven’t even _noticed._ You just take my word, think that I’m fine and go on about something _stupid_ that happened to _you_! It’s never about me, Cher, it’s always about you. And I’m sick of it! I’m so… fucking… sick of being second.”

Cheryl blinks. “Wait… what?”

Toni shrugs. “Don’t worry about it, then.”

“No, say it again.”

Toni shakes her head, letting out a deep breath. A tear falls down her cheek. “I don’t want to hurt you, Cher, I don’t, because I love you. Okay? I love you. But I just feel like… I do _everything_ for you, and you… you take me at face value. You never look deeper. And I’m just.. I’m sick of your selfishness.”

“Excuse me? Selfishness?” Cheryl can feel herself slipping back into HBIC, it’s habit, but deep down, she knows Toni’s right, to some level.

“Last week, Cher, when I was sick, it wasn’t about making sure I was okay – sure, you _did_ that, but – every time you came home, I felt like shit and you were going on about how ‘hard school had been’. Look, I know –” Cheryl’s getting agitated, and if Toni’s not careful she’s going to trigger a huge ass panic attack, which is _definitely_ not what they need right now. “I know, babe, that you’ve got issues. But I do too! Okay, and sometimes, instead of just continuously caring for you, I need to be cared for too. I’m perfectly happy, Cher – _Cheryl, listen to me_ – I love you. I love looking after you, okay? I’m just saying that you’re not the only one who’s broken, okay? You have to get that into your head. I have panic attacks too. I get anxiety too. It’s not just you, Cher. Okay? Both of us are in the same boat, here, you have to realise that, okay, baby?”

Cheryl bites her lip, one half of her ready to go off at Toni, let out the monster that lives deep inside her. But, the other, more forceful half, wants to cry and apologise because what Toni’s saying is ringing so true it hurts.

“I’m sorry, Toni,” she whispers. “I –” She breaks off, her voice cracking. There’s a lump in her throat too big to talk around.

Toni reaches her hand out, a peace offering, and Cheryl takes it gratefully.

“I’m sorry.” She says softly, looking at the shorter girl. “I – I know. You’re right, you’re always right. You know me – better than – than I know myself, TT. And I’m sorry. I’m – I’m gonna try change.” She’s crying now. It takes almost all of Toni’s willpower to not gather her up in her arms and kiss her tears away. “I’m gonna be better, TT. For you. I promise. I can be really, really selfish, and I don’t mean to be. I’ve just… I’ve never really cared this much about anyone before, you know? It’s all new. And I’m scared. But I – I don’t want to lose you, Toni, okay? So if I have to change to keep you with me, I will. Because… I don’t know, at this stage, how I’d live without you.”

Toni shrugs. “Really? Because, Cher, I don’t wanna lose you either, babe, but I don’t know how long I can go giving everything and receiving nothing back.”

Cheryl nods. “I’m so sorry.”

“How about we give it a while, and then we’ll have another –” Toni breaks off, overcome with emotion. “Cher…” She’s going to cry.

“Come here,” Cheryl murmurs, holding her arms out. “Come here, baby girl.”

Toni whimpers, starting to cry. She crawls into Cheryl’s arms, resting her head in the redhead’s neck. She lets her emotions overtake her, taking shallow, shaking breaths as her tears fall.

“Toni,” Cheryl whispers. “Shh, darling girl, you’re okay. I’ve got you. I’m gonna look after you. I promise.”

0o0o0

“Veronica, I need help.”

“Okay,” Veronica sighs. “What is it?”

“Can you and Betty take Toni for a couple hours after school? Distract her, make her work, I don’t care, I just need her out of the house.”

Veronica nods. “Consider it done.”

0o0o0

By the time the door creaks open that night, Cheryl’s got everything ready. She meets Toni in the hallway and wraps her arms around her, pressing her lips to the shorter girls. “Hey, baby girl.”

“Hey,” Toni smiles. “What have you been up to?”

“You’ll see,” Cheryl whispers, pecking her lips again. “Come upstairs?”

Toni giggles. “Okay.”

Cheryl leads her girlfriend upstairs and through their room into the bathroom, and Toni gasps.

There’s a steaming bubble bath, rose petals scattered extravagantly around the edges. “Cher…”

“For you, my love,” Cheryl whispers. “To make up for being a self-centred bitch.”

“You’re not –”

“Shh, T. Get in the bath.”

Toni smiles. “Will you come in with me?”

Cheryl snorts. “Not tonight, baby girl. Tonight’s about you.”

Toni grins, standing up on her tiptoes to press her lips against the redhead’s. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cheryl whispers. “Get in the bath. I’ll be back in a second.” She presses play on their playlist and soft notes echo around the bathroom, shutting the door gently behind her as she leaves. Toni looks around and sighs happily, a small smile gracing her face as she strips and slides into the hot water.

Cheryl returns about twenty minutes later, bringing a glass of champagne and a bowl of strawberries.

“Not cherries?” Toni asks with a soft laugh, grabbing Cheryl’s hand as she sets them down.

“It’s about you,” Cheryl repeats simply. She tries to pull away.

“Well, then,” Toni says. “I want you to stay.”

“Kay,” Cheryl murmurs. “Okay, baby.” She sits down next to the bath and rubs her fingers over Toni’s hand. “I love you, you know that?”

“I know,” Toni assures her. “I love you too.”

0o0o0

Cheryl leaves about half an hour later, setting a few candles in their bedroom and dressing in some nice-but-not-too-sexy underwear before wrapping one of Toni’s flannels around her. Toni emerges minutes later, wrapped in a towel.

“What should I wear?”

Cheryl snickers. “What do you want to wear?”

Toni grins. “Nothing?”

Cheryl snorts. “Something.”

Toni gets dressed and then wraps her arms around Cheryl. “You’re perfect, Cher.”

“I’m not,” Cheryl whispers. “But that’s okay.”

Toni smiles. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Cheryl whispers back. She pulls Toni closer and closes her eyes, opening her mouth slightly and capturing Toni’s lips with her own.

Toni lets out a sharp breath and curls an arm around Cheryl’s neck, pulling herself closer to the redhead. She backs them onto the bed and lays them both down, sucking greedily on Cheryl’s lips before pulling back and attacking her neck.

0o0o0

When they’re done, Toni rests in Cheryl’s arms and looks up at her girlfriend. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Cheryl whispers back. “You are the most important person in my life, okay?”

“Okay,” Toni mumbles. “Night, Cher.”

“Night, TT. Love you.”

“Love you too.”


	21. The drop of a pill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl tells Toni about Nick St Clair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR RAPE/NON-CON, DRUGGING, AND PANIC ATTACKS  
> also, guys, we reached 20 chapters! I literally thought i'd give up on this before, like, three chapters. anyway.  
> me: i have writers block  
> you guys: here! have prompts!  
> me: writes and writes and starts to feel less blocked and posts more  
> SEND ME MORE PROMPTS PLEASE LOVELIES :)))) I LOVE WRITING WHAT YOU WANNA READ :))))  
> lots of love. comments are amazing, they make me feel close to you xx

“Cher?”

Cheryl looks up from her phone. “Hi.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she says, smiling as Toni comes and sits next to her on the bench. “What’s happening?”

“Veronica’s throwing a party,” Toni says. “Wanna come with me?”

“Of course,” Cheryl grins. “When?”

“Tonight, in true Veronica fashion. I’ve gotta work after school, but I’ll meet you there?”

Cheryl nods. “Kay. See you in a few hours.” She leans across to peck Toni’s lips once before grinning at her as she walks away. A party should be fun.

0o0o0

She’s not quite sure where Toni’s gone – perhaps to get a drink, maybe to talk to the Poisons, who are having a verbal standoff with the serpents. And she’s also not sure who this guy is, but the part within her that wants to yell “I’M A LESBIAN” is really raring to go.

He smiles at her over a drink and she wants to throw up. She pulls out her phone and texts a quick ‘where are you? xx’ to Toni before putting it away and realising he’s moved, like, three feet closer.

“Can I help you?” She asks, full HBIC shining through.

“Texting your boyfriend?” he slurs, coming closer still.

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” she says. “I like girls.”

“Ooh, a lesbian,” he says. “Disgustingly sexy. I like it. Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes,” Cheryl says sharply. “And I have no interest in drunk, middle-aged men, thanks very much.”

He sidles closer and reaches around to grab at her ass and she tenses, freezing up as memories flash through her mind.

She looks around, _Toni, Toni, Toni, Toni, Toni – Toni!_

Cheryl kicks him off and runs forward, barreling into the shorter girl who drops her glass with a smash. “Cher?”

“Can we leave?”

“Hey,” Toni says softly, helping Cheryl to stand up properly. “You’re shaking, baby, what’s going on?”

“Can we… _please_ … leave?”

“Okay,” Toni says. “Come on, let’s go.” She pulls Cheryl along behind her and makes her way out to their car, pushing Cheryl gently into the passenger seat and getting behind the wheel. Cheryl starts to cry halfway home, and Toni pulls over, rolling over the console between them and pulling the redhead on top of her awkwardly.

“Talk to me, please.”

Cheryl shakes her head, her lower lip shaking. “Toni…”

“I got you,” Toni whispers. “I’m not letting go. Can you please tell me what’s going on?”

“No…” Cheryl murmurs, her heart-rate much higher than it should be. Toni sighs, caressing her girlfriend’s shoulder softly.

“Come on, baby girl,” she whispers. “Talk to me.”

Another shake of a red head. Another tear. Cheryl’s breathing gets worse, until she’s gasping, her breaths coming out in heavy sobs.

“Oh, Cher,” Toni whispers. “It’s okay, babe. You’re okay. I’ve got you, and I’m not letting you go. I’m right here. You’re okay.”

“I’m not,” she whispers. “Help, TT, I can’t breathe.”

“Shh, yes you can. Breathe with me. Focus on my breathing and try to match it.”

Cheryl shakes her head, her face twisted in pain. “I can’t.”

“It’s okay,” Toni says again. “It’ll be over in a minute, it’s okay. Breathe with me.”

Cheryl lets out a long whine, closing her eyes as yet more tears fall. “Toni…”

Toni’s heart breaks. “You’re okay, baby girl. It’s okay, Cher.”

Cheryl moans. “Can’t… help.”

“I know, sweetheart. It’s okay. Focus on my heartbeat, okay?”

Cheryl nestles closer, her ear on Toni’s heart. Toni realises that perhaps her heartbeat is too fast for Cheryl to try to copy and takes a few deep breaths, running her fingers through Cher’s red locks.

“Okay, sweetie,” she whispers a few minutes later. “Feeling a bit better?”

Cheryl nods. “Yeah.”

“Wanna tell me what that was about? What was that guy doing?”

“He didn’t do much,” Cheryl whispers. “Just touched my butt, but –”

“ _Dick_ ,” Toni hisses, and Cheryl gives her a teary smile. “Let me go back and beat him up!”

Cheryl shakes her head. “Toni…”

“Yes, my love?”

“Something happened… last year.”

“Cher…” Toni’s voice is little more than a whisper. “No.”

“Can I tell you?” It’s asking permission, seeking comfort, asking for help.

“Of course, sweetheart,” Toni whispers, a lump in her throat.

“Veronica had a friend down…”

**

_“We didn’t get much of a chance to talk last night…”_

_“I’m choosing to blame Betty’s Britney-esque meltdown. I’ll let you make it up to me?”_

_The drop of a pill, a sound she didn’t recognise at the time. “Pour moi? Merci.”_

_A short, humourless laugh. Hiram Lodge rambling on._

_The Pussycats and Veronica, singing._

_Her head’s kind of fuzzy._

_Dancing with Nick. She doesn’t feel well, not at all._

_Dizzy. “Are you alright?” No, she’s not._

_“I’m fine. I’m just…” She’s going to throw up. “I need – need some air.”_

_Stumbling out. Vomiting onto the grass._

_Where are they going? A hotel?_

_A hard mattress._

_Course fingers running up the inside of her legs. Her underwear being yanked down._

_“Get off of her!”_

_Josie’s soft hands shaking her awake. Nick being passed out on the floor._

_**_

“They beat him up,” she murmurs now. “But he didn’t get charged, and my mother accepted his hush money. I was inconsolable for days. And that guy…” She breaks off, another tear falling as she realises Toni’s crying.

The shorter girl gathers, almost roughly, the redhead into her arms, holding Cheryl’s face between her hands. “I love you,” she whispers, over and over. “Shit, Cher, I love you so much.”

Cheryl’s sobbing, trying to get closer and closer to Toni even though they’re squished together as much as possible already. “Want…”

“What do you want, babe?” Toni asks, ready to do _anything_.

“You,” Cheryl whispers. “Want to cuddle you.”

“Okay,” comes the breath back. “Okay. Cuddles.”

“Cuddles,” Cheryl whispers, swallowing thickly. She curls into Toni, and they stay wrapped up together in the passenger seat of the car until the sun rises.


	22. Humpty Dumpty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The anniversary of Toni's parents' death comes around, and our poor TT isn't faring so well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS. I WROTE SOMETHING. WITHOUT A PROMPT. EEKKKKK. LOVE YOU ALL XXX

It’s always very obvious when Toni’s anxious, at least, to Cheryl.

So when her girlfriend doesn’t let her go the whole day, when she turns down going out after school with her gang, when she begs Cheryl to tell Veronica she’s sick and can’t work, Cheryl figures something’s up.

“Hey, baby girl?” She asks quietly, walking into her bedroom with two mugs of tea and a block of chocolate between her teeth. “You okay?”

Toni shrugs. She’s gotten better at opening up to Cheryl but she’s not sure whether this topic of conversation is one she’s ready to approach with her yet. She’s managed to put off crying all day, and now she’s alone she’s not so sure how long she’ll last. It’s the same every year. Each time this date – March 4th, comes around, she’s withdrawn and moody, and you’d figure that Sweet Pea and Fangs, at least, would have some idea, but they’re pretty thick (in a good way) and they’ve never really connected the dots.

Cheryl, though, Toni knows will understand. It’s just – if she talks about it, after keeping silent for _years_ , she’s not sure she can stay strong. She feels like even saying it will make her fall to pieces, pieces that maybe even Cheryl can’t pick up and put back together again.

“I feel like Humpty Dumpty,” she says now, looking up and taking the hot tea gratefully from her girlfriend. “Like he would have felt if he knew he was gonna fall.”

Cheryl purses her lips. “Like you’re about to fall and you don’t know how to stop it?”

“Kinda,” Toni says, putting her tea on the bedside table and crawling over so she’s laying sideways, her head resting on Cheryl’s stomach. “You ever just feel like you’re about to fall apart and you don’t know how to stop it?”

“All the time,” Cheryl says, scratching her fingers through Toni’s pink locks, her nails trailing across the girl’s scalp. “Any particular reason why?”

Toni nods hesitantly. “Yeah.”

Cheryl locks eyes with her. “Okay, then. Can I help with said reason?”

Toni shakes her head, closing her eyes. “It’s too late.”

Cheryl nods. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” Toni says, rolling over, the tears finally falling as she buries her face in Cheryl’s smooth skin. She takes a gasping breath against her girlfriend’s alabaster abdomen, and Cheryl keeps stroking, letting her cry it out.

Minutes later, Toni looks up, shuffling so that she’s laying right on top of Cheryl, her head in the other girl’s neck. “My parents… passed away, this time seven years ago.”

“Oh, Toni, I’m so sorry,” Cheryl says softly.

Toni nods, swallowing, curling closer to her girlfriend. “Thanks, I guess.”

They lay in silence for a minute before Cheryl shifts. “Tell me about them?” She asks softly, and Toni looks up, a slight smile in her teary eyes.

“They were my whole world,” she whispers, more tears falling. Cheryl reaches up gently and wipes her thumb across Toni’s cheeks, smiling encouragingly at the shorter girl. “They used to do everything for me. Dad was a Serpent, he worked for FP, and Mum used to work at this little store in the trailer park. Every day, after school, I’d come visit her at work and she’d take some money from our small allowance and buy me a snack. And then I’d go home with my treat and do my homework and they’d both come home later that night and we’d all watch some crappy soap opera on our shitty tv, and I never really… I took it for granted, you know?”

Cheryl nods. She _does_ know. She’s about to mention Jason, tell Toni stuff he used to do, when she remembers what they’ve been talking about, about her being self-centred, so she shuts up and presses her lips to Toni’s temple, silently willing her to keep going on.

“And Dad used to bring home newspaper clips for me from wherever, so that I could read them since we couldn’t afford to have it delivered. Sometimes, we’d go without meals for a day because of our lack of money, but even though we were hungry it was alright because we’d be hungry together. And I used to complain so much… but I loved them, Cher, I did.”

“I know,” Cheryl whispers.

“And then, the night before my birthday, they went out to get some food as a surprise for me,” Toni whispers, and she’s shaking in Cheryl’s arms. “They never came back. The Ghoulies got them, shot them both right in the chest. They took our food, too, and no one ever asked how I was. They just moved me right to my uncle’s, assumed I was fine there, and went on their way. The only person who noticed something was wrong was FP, and even then he was drinking too much to do much about it.”

Cheryl swallows, pulling Toni tighter against her as the littler girl cries. “I just… I miss them so much. And that sounds shitty because your parents are bitches and I’m sorry but –”

“It’s not shitty,” Cheryl whispers. “It’s perfectly valid, baby girl, and I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault,” Toni shrugs, and she lets her head fall back into Cheryl’s shoulder, overcome with tears.

Cheryl rubs up and down her back, deciding against talking as to not further upset her girlfriend. She brushes her fingers through Toni’s pink hair, her lips never leaving the other girl’s forehead, and holds her tight.

Toni stops crying twenty minutes later, and looks up ten minutes after that. “Thanks, Cher.”

“You shouldn’t even thank me,” Cheryl whispers. “That’s so shitty, TT.”

Toni nods, her face sombre. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” Cheryl smiles sadly. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

Toni shrugs. “Don’t feel like it.”

Cheryl shakes her head. “They’d be so proud of you, T. I wish I could’ve met them.”

“Me too,” Toni whispers, and she dissolves into tears again. “They’d love you so much.”

Cheryl locks eyes with her. “It sucks, hey?”

“Sucks,” Toni repeats. “But… you’re here.”

Cheryl feels her chest grow, lit up with warmth and love. “I love you, Antoinette.”

Toni nods, wiping her eyes with a sniffle. “I love you, Cher.” She leans up slightly to kiss her girlfriend softly. “Sorry, I taste like snot.”

Cheryl smiles. “That’s okay, baby,” she murmurs. “Snuggle down, Toni, okay?”

Toni nods, taking another trembling breath as more tears trail down her face. Cheryl settles her against her, tracing patterns on her face, and starts to sing softly, closing her eyes and resting her lips against Toni’s forehead, murmuring the lyrics until Toni’s breathing evens out and Cheryl can tell she’s asleep. She presses a kiss to the vulnerable girl on top of her and pulls her impossibly closer, holding her tight, reassuring her she’s there even during sleep.

 _God, she loves her_.


	23. Photo Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School photos and Cheryl is NOT happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so y'all saw the madnessa/choni wrap photos, right? so the one where Vanessa's tickling Mads really inspired me to write (ik wtf) just a little soft choni thing so.... here we go! If you don't know the photos i'm talking about, go to Madelaine's insta or Vanessa's twitter i guess. Love you allll xxx  
> (update: i tried to insert the image and failed spectacularly. sorry)

It’s such a stupid thing to have a panic attack over, but Cheryl can’t help it. She stuffed up her hair and makeup for photo day and she doesn’t want to do it anymore only Toni wants her to and she doesn’t wanna disappoint her girlfriend. 

“C’mon, Cher,” the aforementioned girl murmurs now, squeezing her tighter against her. “Breathe with me.”

“My hair,” Cheryl whispers. “Look what i did.”

“You still look stunning, babe,” Toni says. “Okay?”

Cheryl pouts, more tears rolling down her cheeks. “Maybe you think so, but I don’t.” 

Toni chuckles slightly. “I definitely do.” 

Cheryl catches sight of herself in the mirror and starts to cry harder. “Look - a-at my m-mascara and m-my make-u-up, T-Toni! It’s all ru-ruined!” 

Toni sighs. “Cher, stop crying and I’ll fix it, okay?” 

“It took me hours,” Cheryl sobs. “I got up extra early and did it and it’s ruined!”

Toni pouts. “I know, baby, but I’m gonna try make it better, if you calm down for me?” 

Cheryl sniffs and lets out a big breath. “I feel dumb now.” 

Toni shakes her head, quickly pressing her lips against her girlfriend’s. “No, darling. Don’t feel dumb. You’re valid, remember?”

“Valid,” Cheryl whispers back, keeping still as Toni swipes at her face with makeup wipes gently. The pinkette carefully cleans off the mascara stains and Cheryl’s now-ruined eye shadow and sits her girlfriend down on the counter, holding her face with one hand and carefully reapplying Cheryl’s makeup in a simpler way. 

When she’s done Cheryl smiles gently up at her, and Toni grins. “Come on, you, lets go get the hottest couple photos ever, hey?” 

Cheryl nods, sniffing again and taking her girlfriend’s hand self consciously. Something about crying makes her feel insecure and small, and she seeks Toni’s comfort as much as possible. 

Cheryl smiles her HBIC smile for the first few, and when the photographer gives them a look she’s pretty happy, until she sees her eyes. 

“You can tell,” she whispers to Toni, her lip trembling. “You can tell!”

“Hey now,” Toni murmurs. “It’s okay.” 

“It’s not,” Cheryl whimpers, tears falling down her pale cheeks. “This is se-senior year, you have t-to look good!”

“You look beautiful, Cher.”

“I don’t,” Cheryl sobs, her chest tightening. Toni picks up on the familiar symptoms and starts to rub her girlfriend’s back, winking at the photographer and singing softly to Cheryl to calm her down. 

Cheryl looks up a minute or so later, resting her head on Toni’s shoulder and climbing carefully into her girlfriend’s lap. 

“Comfy?” Toni asks, laughing softly.

Cheryl nods stubbornly, resting her long legs lengthways across Toni’s small waist, looking up at the photography with a nod. 

“Hey, wait,” Toni says softly. “What’s this?” She pokes gently at Cheryl’s cheek. “That’s not the smile I know, hey? Where’s my smile?” 

Cheryl shakes her head, a pout replacing the obviously-put on smile she’d had on previously. 

Toni tuts, tucking a strand of hair behind Cheryl’s ear. “Come on, missy. Where’s my smiles?”

Cheryl shakes her head again, and Toni shrugs before curling her fingers into Cheryl’s side, tickling her girlfriend with all her might. 

Cheryl protests and then falls apart into girly giggles, swatting at Toni’s hands and squirming in her lap. “Stop! Stop!” 

Toni laughs, shaking her head. “Not til you give me a good smile.”

Cheryl’s grinning now, her tears forgotten as she giggles, reaching up to press her lips to Toni’s. “Good enough?” She asks, smiling a rare little grin that Toni only sees very occasionally, when Cheryl lets all her walls down.

“What’s that French word you’re so fond of?” Toni asks with a smirk. “Parfait.”

Cheryl ducks her head, a light blush spreading across her face. She looks up and pokes her tongue out at Toni, who pokes hers right back at Cheryl, who falls into fits of giggles consequently. 

Toni looks up at the photographer and he gives her a discreet nod before turning out of the room, Betty and Veronica coming in after him. 

“The hell happened to our bombshell?” Betty asks, a little smile on her face as she watches Cheryl act like a child with Toni. 

“It’s Toni,” Veronica says. “Who would’ve thought.”


	24. Don't 'babe' me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the prompt that inspired this was 'Cheryl goes all HBIC when she sees someone flirting with Toni.' It was fun to write :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay lemme get one thing straight. I actually LOVE P'nC. She's one of my favourite characters and i love Bernadette Beck so much. But, you know, Choni don't have that many friends and she was the only character who's name i know that i thought would fit into this. meanwhile, someone in my choni chat on facebook just asked 'who's the actress behind Toni Topaz' like yeah okay hon. Ugh. anyways... i gotta go to work now EW and i really wanna come back after my shift today to loooooots of comments and lotttttts or prompts, sil-vous-plait. Love you all! Oh, also, i did a collab with theauthenticme, it's a lil oneshot about Cheryl being cared for when she's on her period, literally just 2.5k of fluff, you're welcome. :)))

“I don’t like her,” Cheryl whispers, nudging Veronica. The other girl frowns, following Cheryl’s gaze.

“Who?”

“That ‘Peaches’ character,” Cheryl sighs. “She’s all over Toni. I don’t like it.”

Veronica snorts. “Jealous, much? Relax, Cher. Everyone knows Topaz is yours. Toni included.”

Cheryl pouts, her eyes never leaving the two girls across the courtyard, deep in conversation. She watches as the taller girl smiles widely, reaching out a smooth hand to rest it on her girlfriend’s shoulder. Cheryl growls lowly, clenching her teeth.

“Breathe, Cher,” Veronica mutters, trying to not laugh. “Toni’s not stupid. She won’t let her do anything.”

Cheryl groans, her eyes glued to the tall gang member and her smaller girlfriend, watching as they continue to talk and laugh. Toni says something and Peaches cracks up, nodding her head towards the oval and wrapping an arm – _an arm­ –_ around Toni’s waist, leading her off.

Cheryl snaps. “That is _it_ ,” she hisses, yanking Veronica along behind her as she storms towards the two Poisons.

“Excuse me, what the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?”

Toni sighs. “Cher –”

“Shut up, TT. What are you doing?”

Peaches shrugs. “Boss and I were going to get some drinks for the party tonight.”

“Party?” Cheryl spits. “I haven’t heard about a party.”

“It’s at my place, Cher,” Veronica says quickly. “I was going to tell you later.”

“Well, too late,” Cheryl glares at Peaches. “TT and I will get the drinks. Be gone.”

Toni stifles her laughter. “See you later, P.”

“You won’t,” Cheryl puts in, stalking between Toni and Peaches and pulling Toni against her chest.

“You good, babe?” Toni asks, a light smirk on her lips.

“Don’t _babe_ me,” Cheryl grumbles, curling into the smaller girl. “She was _all over you_.”

“She’s my friend, Cher,” Toni says gently. “You’re my girl, alright? No one else. Just you. Forever and always.”

Cheryl harrumphs, holding Toni tightly. “Mine.”

Veronica just laughs.

0o0o0

Perhaps she shouldn’t have come. Toni was hanging out with the gang, Veronica was most likely making out with a guy (eugh), and Betty and Jughead were no where to be seen. Cheryl’s _bored_. She pours herself another drink and takes a sip, looking around and clicking distastefully at the obviously drunk members of her girlfriend’s gang. Thank _god_ Toni was smarter than that.

She wants to see Toni, Cheryl decides. Toni makes everything better.

She scouts out the purple and black jackets in the crowd and makes her way towards the group, mingling lightly with people she doesn’t care about.

There’s a crash suddenly and everyone looks up to see Toni barreling towards Cheryl, burying her pink head in the redhead’s chest.

“TT?” Cheryl asks softly, glaring at all the onlookers. “What’s up?”

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t me,” Toni whispers, her eyes filled with tears. “I swear, I pulled away.”

“Who the _fuck_ touched my girlfriend,” Cheryl spits. “Who?”

“Was Peaches, ma’am,” one of the Poisons points out. Cheryl shoves Toni carefully backwards into Veronica’s arms and stomps over to the other gang member.

“The _fuck¸_ Peaches,” she hisses. “What the hell are you thinking?”

The other girl smiles lazily up at her. “Your girlfriend’s a hot snack, Blossom,” she slurs. “Wanted some action.”

“She’s _mine_ ,” Cheryl growls. “And if I was in charge of the gang you’d be gone. But it’s Toni’s, so she can decide, but if you ever put your  _fucking hands, lips or otherwise_ on my girlfriend, you’ll have me to deal with, and you _don’t want that_.” She pushes the girl roughly backwards and struts off. “Show’s over, ragamuffins. Go back to your own, sad lives and stop watching mine unfold.”

She steps quickly back over to Veronica and pulls Toni from the brunette’s arms, smiling quickly at Ronnie before leading a shaking, whimpering Toni over to a dark corner.

“Piss off, peasants,” she hisses to whatever couple is making out there. They sigh, rolling their eyes, and move away. Cheryl sits down against the wall and pulls Toni down with her, settling the shorter girl on her lap and kissing her quickly.

“Ugh,” she grumbles. “You taste like her.”

Toni starts to cry. “Please don’t be mad, Cher.”

“Why would I be mad?”

“Because… she kissed me…”

“Exactly,” Cheryl says gently. “She kissed you, Toni. You didn’t kiss her. I assume you didn’t want it to happen?”

Toni shakes her head quickly. “Of course not.”

“Right,” Cheryl says. “So I’m not mad. Not at you.” She pauses. “ _Pissed_ at Peaches, though.”

“Me too,” Toni whispers, reaching up to wipe her eyes. Cheryl catches her hands and does the job for her, stroking her fingers across Toni’s soft cheeks and pressing her lips to the shorter girl’s head.

Toni’s hit with a sudden burst of pride. Three months ago, Cheryl would’ve been accusing her, not believing anything, and yet here she is now – believing Toni immediately, trusting her wholly.

Toni leans forward and attacks Cheryl’s lips with her own, kissing her hard.

“Woah,” Cheryl laughs softly. “You okay there?”

Toni smiles at her. “Wanna taste like _you_.”


	25. Intrusive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Semi au, I guess, but since RAS never tells us anything about Cher's mental health I guess it could be canon - Cheryl has OCD and normally it's not too bad, but... not today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt from...Abi! This took a while to write because i did so much research - literally more than i've done on my research task for chemistry which is DUE IN EIGHT DAYS YAY. eugh. i'll just write a load of fanfic and ignore it AS PER USUAL. Love you all - the prompts are great! keep them coming! along with the comments! they! make! me! happy! i love you xx

It was usually easy to control. Cheryl had Toni, she’d been diagnosed by a therapist with clinical OCD, but usually she could do it.

But, for some reason, not today.

They’re in science class, working with chemicals, and their teacher’s got a Bunsen burner going, just on the safety flame, and Cheryl can’t stop thinking about how the flame would feel on her palm.

 _No,_ she thinks. _Push it away_.

She’s always had an obsession with fire. It’s what pushed her to burn down Thornhill, why she loves the colour red. Fire, with it’s mysterious, deadly beauty, is exactly how Cheryl Blossom wants to appear on the outside.

_It would feel so nice._

She goes over to stand next to it, her eyes glued to the flame that’s burning bright next to her. She brings her palm up, resting it just above the flame, feeling it’s warmth.

 _Closer_.

Sometimes, her OCD feels like a third person. Someone who has ultimate control over her, who she’s at complete mercy to.

_Get closer._

She moves her palm down a bit, feeling the flicker of the orange heat tickle her hand slightly.

 _CLOSER_.

When it finally burns, it feels nice. Satisfying.

“Miss Blossom?”

_Shit._

“Hi, Mr Rogers,” she says sweetly, shoving her hand behind her back.

“What are you doing?”

“My work,” Cheryl says, smiling up at him. “What about you?”

“Being dangerous with the burner is what I saw,” he says firmly. “I’m afraid I’ll have to take this away, Miss Blossom. Please join Betty’s group and copy their results so you don’t further hurt yourself.”

“Of course,” she says, her heart rate increasing. “Sorry, sir.”

She walks quietly over to Betty’s group and watches the Bunsen burner.

_Put it on it again._

“Excuse me, cousin,” she says. “Can I do the honours?”

She takes the chemical from Betty and puts it over the flame, breathing out slowly when the flame makes contact with her hand.

“Cheryl, your hand!”

“Miss Blossom, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the room.”

She nods curtly, walks out the door. Then she walks quickly to the nearest empty classroom, shuts the door behind her, and crumples against the door, closing her eyes.

She sends a quick text to Toni, simply an ice cream emoji and the room number she’s in before taking deep, steadying breaths just like she knows the smaller girl would tell her to if she was here already.

Cheryl’s so sick of this – the last time she went to the psych, he told her to start on meds, but she can’t – simply looking at pills since the whole Nick St Clair fiasco sends her into fits of anxiety – but god, if they even numbed it a little bit, it’d be worth it.

Toni comes in two minutes later, shutting the door quietly behind her and sliding down next to Cheryl, taking her hand silently.

Cheryl finally lets her tears fall, anxiety blooming. “Are you mad?”

Toni shakes her head. “Of course not.”

Cheryl bites her lip. “But I couldn’t stop it.”

“Exactly,” Toni says quietly. “It’s not your fault, Cher.”

Cheryl’s chest heaves with the effort of breathing properly and she whines, looking anxiously up at Toni.

“Hey,” Toni says. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Cheryl says. “It’s overtaking me.” She pulls away from Toni and lets out a soft wail, little moans emerging with every pant.

“Okay – okay, Cher – babe, listen to me…” Toni bites her lip, not wanting to further agitate her girlfriend. “Cheryl? Can you look at me, please, baby?”

Cheryl whimpers, shaking her head. Toni can hear her make small, sad sounds, little moans and grizzles that break her heart.

“Cher, sweetheart, it’s me. Come on. Look at me.”

The redhead looks up, scrambling into Toni’s lap, and Toni exhales, bringing her arms up tight around the other girl. “Good girl, baby. Shh, it’s okay. I’m here.”

Cheryl moans quietly, her chest constricting. “I can’t breathe properly,” she gasps. 

“I know,” Toni agrees. “Here, come on. Tell me what you’re thinking and we’ll try stop it, okay?” She asks, eerily familiar with Cheryl’s intrusive thoughts, how the can be all-encompassing.

“My hand…” Cheryl whispers. “I want to burn it.”

“Burn?” Toni asks softly, noting Cheryl’s use of ‘want’ rather than _wanted_ , realising that they’re still right in the thick of it.

“With the Bunsen,” Cheryl tells her. “It’s gonna feel good.”

“Alright, baby,” Toni murmurs. “How about we go home, okay?”

Cheryl shakes her head. “No… No. They’ll go away, I just –”

“Cheryl.” Toni’s voice is firm. “We’re going home, baby.”

Cheryl tenses up and tries to lash out, but Toni, used to this, catches her arms before they can hit her. “Please don’t hurt me, baby,” she whispers. “I’m just trying to help.”

Cheryl growls, struggling against Toni’s grip. “Let me _go_.”

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself, babe,” Toni says gently. “Come on. Let’s go, now.” She leads the redhead out to her car and seats her in the passenger seat, driving quickly back to Thistle House. Cheryl is quiet and broody until they stop. “How are you feeling now?” Toni asks softly.

“Gross,” Cheryl responds with a sigh. “They’re gone. And my hand hurts.”

Toni takes said hand softly and runs her fingers gently over it. “They were bad?”

Cheryl nods, not meeting Toni’s eyes. “They haven’t been like that for ages.”

Toni sighs. “Cher…”

“I thought I was getting better, TT!” Cheryl bursts out, starting to cry. “I thought the thoughts would go away! That I could be _normal_.”

“You are –”

“I’m _not_ , Toni. I’m not! I just tried to hurt you – you’re the only person on this planet who actually loves me and I just tried to hurt you. Tell me that’s normal. Tell me!”

“That wasn’t you, Cher –”

“Okay, so what about the fact I get unhealthily obsessed with things – Josie! That whole Josie saga wasn’t normal, was it? And I was so close to Jay-Jay that people thought we were acting on _incest_. Incest, Toni!”

“Okay,” Toni cuts in. “So, you’re not normal. But neither am I, Cher! What the hell even is normal? What are you basing that off? Because, would you look at me – I’m a victim of abuse, I self-harm, I have severe anxiety – but hey, you love me, right? Look at someone like… like… Peaches! She drinks _way_ too much, she’s got a fucked up family, and she has a shitty time at school – but she’s still our friend! No one in Riverdale – no one on _earth_ is normal, Cher. And – I don’t want you to be normal. I love you for you. No offence, baby, but if you were actually the person you pretend to be, at school, I wouldn’t want to be with you. That Cheryl’s boring. The Cher I love is interesting, and broken – and _all the more perfect because of it_. Okay, sweetie? The OCD doesn’t make you any less loveable, Cher. It doesn’t mean I love you less. It doesn’t mean anyone thinks any less of you. We all care, Cher. We know you can’t help it, we’re just trying to get you through, to make it manageable.”

Cheryl’s face crumples, hot tears falling from her eyes. “I can’t believe it tried to hurt you.”

Toni shrugs. “It didn’t, though, baby. I’m fine.”

“But –”

“But nothing, Cher,” Toni whispers, pulling the taller girl into her arms in a tight hug. “You did good, you know that? Calling me was the best option. And you handled it really well. I’m so proud of you. We’re gonna get through this, okay? Together.”

Cheryl nods, melting into Toni’s warm embrace. “Together.”


	26. Her other half

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU where Jason survives. Toni's nervous about meeting him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so obviously this is an au. Also it's about a fortnight into their relationship, okay? Don't @ me. Hope you enjoy - prompt from...cherylbarrel :)

“Toni? You ready, babe?”

Toni nods, coming out of the bathroom.

“Jesus,” Cheryl curses under her breath. “You look… wow, TT.”

Toni smiles hesitantly, coming over and wrapping her arms around Cheryl.

“You okay, mi amor?” Cheryl asks softly, stroking her hands softly through the pinkette’s ponytail. “You’re quiet.”

“Nervous, I guess,” Toni laughs, embarrassed. “You talk about him like he’s the sunlight. I… I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to impress such a being.”

“Just be yourself,” Cheryl promises. “He’s going to love you. And if he doesn’t… I’m disowning him.”

Toni laughs gratefully, pressing her lips carefully against Cheryl’s to reassure herself. “Got it. Be myself.”

0o0o0

They’re parked outside Pop’s, holding hands and sitting in the car while they wait for Cheryl’s twin, when Toni squeezes Cheryl’s hand especially tight and the redhead looks over to her girlfriend for an explanation.

“This is gonna sound dumb,” Toni starts, and she’s shaking. “But I’m petrified right now.”

Cheryl laughs. “There’s really no need to be, baby girl. He’s going to love you.”

Toni shakes her head, tears filling her brown eyes. “You talk about him like he puts the stars in the sky, Cheryl. There’s no way some southside scum’s going to be good enough for his perfect little sister.”

Cheryl cocks her head. “Firstly, TT – you are _not_ southside scum. Okay? And secondly – Jay-Jay doesn’t get to choose who I date. I do. And I choose you. If – and that’s _if_ , Toni – if he doesn’t like you, that’s his problem. It’s not going to change how I feel about you.”

“Yeah, but –”

“No buts. He’s going to love you, just like –” She pauses. “Just like I do.”

Toni locks eyes with her in surprise, a huge beam forming on her face.

“I love you, Toni Topaz,” Cheryl whispers, and Toni pulls her hand from Cheryl’s and uses it to pull her girlfriend’s face in to meet her lips. “I love you too, Cher,” she mumbles happily against her girlfriend’s lips.

“Oi, lovebirds.” The yell comes with a sharp knock at their window and Cheryl looks up with a roll of her eyes. “Go away, Jason, I’m busy.”

He grins. “Yeah, well, I’m hungry. Hurry up.”

Cheryl turns back to Toni and kisses her quickly again – _just to make him wait, TT, he’s terrible impatient_ – and helps her out of the car, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

“Jay-Jay,” she says, taking a deep breath. “This is my girlfriend, Toni Topaz.”


	27. Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my title is SO CREATIVE. okay so Toni's sick. Could be a lil pre-thing for infected, i guess. if you wanted that sort of thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i post something,,, finally,,, and it's not a prompt. sorry, guys. I actually had a breakdown earlier today (we're gonna blame that on hormones lmao) because none of my writing is sounding like i want it to and i feel like i'm disappointing you all. so, uhm, that's that. i'm sorry that my quality is decreasing for no apparent reason right now, i'm working on it, i promise. in the mean time, here's a lil choni sickfic.

“Cher,” Toni whispered into the darkness. “You awake?”

Cheryl made a soft sound. “Mm?” Her voice was thick with sleep as Toni rolled over and nestled closer into her.

Toni whimpered, scrambling for a minute to position herself on top of her girlfriend. “I don’t feel well.”

Cheryl shifted, pulling herself up on one elbow and looking down, her eyes blinking to adjust to the darkness. “That’s not good, baby girl,” she mumbled, placing her hand palm-down on Toni’s forehead. “Fuck, you’re burning up.”

“My tummy,” Toni whispered, sounding like a child. “Doesn’t feel good.”

Cheryl sat up completely, pulling Toni with her. “Let me get you some aspirin,” she murmured. “Try and get that fever down, and I’ll get you some water too, alright?”

Toni nodded, her eyes dropping closed again as Cheryl held her. “Don’t feel good.”

“I know, babe,” Cheryl whispered. “I’ll be back in a second, alright?”

Toni nodded, falling back against the pillows with a moan.

When Cheryl returned, a wet cloth, some pills, a glass of water and an empty Tupperware bowl in her hands, Toni was curled up on her side, her flannel drenched in sweat. “Shit, T,” Cheryl swore. She dropped the bowl beside the bed and helped Toni into a sitting position, rubbing her back as she swallowed the painkillers down.

She took a gulp of water and then gagged, and Cheryl’s eyes widened as Toni, as if in slow motion, leaned forward and threw up all over the bed.

“Shit,” she croaked. “Sorry, Cher, I –” Another gag, but this time Cheryl was ready. She shoved the bowl under Toni’s chin and held her girlfriend’s hair back as the shorter girl’s back convulsed and she heaved and vomited.

“Oh, TT,” Cheryl murmured, watching as Toni wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

She lead Toni into the ensuite and helped her strip, trying to ignore the pulsing in her lower abdomen. Toni was _sick_. This was _not_ the time to be turned on.

“Okay, you shower,” Cheryl told her. “I’ll change the sheets.”

Toni nodded, her face paler than Cheryl’s. “Sorry, Cher.”

“Don’t apologise,” Cheryl said gently. “You couldn’t help it.”

She changed the sheets quickly, almost gagging at the smell, and left the dirty ones in the sink to soak. When she came back into the bathroom, Toni was hunched over the toilet, dripping and naked, throwing up profusely into the bowl.

“ _Toni_ ,” Cheryl said, coming over quickly to help her girlfriend. Toni coughed, more bile coating the toilet.

“Don’t feel well,” she moaned.

“I can tell,” Cheryl said softly, handing her the cup of water as she looked up at her with teary eyes. “Don’t drink it too fast, you’ll make yourself sick again.”

Toni took tiny sips but still couldn’t keep it down, finding herself reduced to dry heaves within a matter of minutes. Cheryl stood by patiently, rubbing her girlfriend’s back soothingly and helping her up on shaky feet when she was done. “You wanna shower again?”

Toni shook her head. “No point,” she croaked. “I’ll probably just puke again when I get out.”

Cheryl pouted at her, pulling her carefully into a hug. “Hopefully it’s just a 24 hour bug and you’ll be fine in the morning, hey?” she said, stroking her girlfriend’s wet hair. “Get some clothes on and get back into bed, I’ll rub your back.”

“Don’t deserve you,” Toni gave her a small smile.

“You do,” Cheryl assured her. “You deserve the world.”


	28. Magical Powers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni's had a rough day at school, so why would she want to do Vixens training?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, cuties. Wrote something else. It may not be fantastic, but I'm getting back into the swing of things by not forcing myself to write (in saying that, writing is better than my FOUR CHAPTERS OF MATH WORK I HAVE TO DO). Pleaseeee leave me comments, they make me SO HAPPY. oh, also, i'm going away tomorrow - as long as we have reception i guess I'll continue updating, but if i don't, it's because i'm stuck with no service :) another note - i've now been listening to 'i was in love once' aka, Choni's theme, for 7 hours and 9 minutes, and i don't regret ANYTHING. love you all, hope you enjoy the fic, and PLEASE COMMENT LOVELIES XX

Cheryl’s winded as a small body crashes into hers from behind, all Toni’s weight suddenly on her back.

“Hey, baby,” she laughs, turning her head to look at her girlfriend. “What’s going on?”

“Tired,” Toni complains, resting her face in Cheryl’s red locks. “I wanna go home.”

“We have training,” Cheryl tells her, scooting her girlfriend around so she’s facing the redhead. “It’s only a couple of hours.”

Toni pouts. She really didn’t sleep well last night and what with all the tests and stuff she had on at school today she’s _exhausted_. “I don’t wanna train.”

“We have the pep rally next month,” Cheryl reminds her. “This one is kinda important.”

“I’m important too,” Toni insists, and Cheryl laughs.

“You are, baby,” she promises. “D’you wanna sit out?”

Toni nods indignantly. “Wanna go home more though.”

Cheryl grins. “Watch it, miss Topaz, or I’ll make you join in.”

0o0o0

Toni’s had one of those days at school where everyone’s annoying her and she just wants to cry it out while binge eating and watching a comedy, snuggled up to her girlfriend. She’s not sure she’s ever hated the Vixens more – Cheryl’s not actually in this routine, choosing instead to sing with the Pussycats, so it’s not even like Toni’s getting a show while she sits on the bleachers, wishing she was anywhere else on this particular Friday afternoon.

She goes up to Cheryl while they’re taking a five minute drink break and sits right in her girlfriend’s lap, legs slung across Cheryl’s and her arms wrapped tight around the redhead’s neck, her head resting on Cheryl’s shoulder.

“You okay, my love?” Cheryl asks quietly, watching the Vixens are running her fingers absentmindedly up and down Toni’s back.

Toni shrugs. “Want to cuddle.”

“After,” Cheryl promises her. “Now, come on, you gotta get up so that I can continue to yell at these dimwits.”

Toni moans. “No…”

“TT,” Cheryl whispers. “Come on, babe. Not long now.”

“Your ‘not long’ is different from my ‘not long’,” Toni tells her, snuggling tighter in. It’s almost certain that if she stops being close to Cheryl she _will_ burst into tears.

“Come on,” Cheryl smiles, prying her off and sitting her on the seat next to her. Toni feels really stupid but her chin trembles, big brown eyes looking at Cheryl sadly.

“Oh, _Toni_ ,” the redhead breathes, pulling her girlfriend back into her lap. “Alright, sweetie, stay with me.” She looks up to the other Vixens and covers Toni’s ears with her hands so that when she yells she doesn’t deafen her girlfriend. “Listen up, Vixens! You’re all required to run the routine until it’s sparkling. As soon as I deem it perfect, you all get to leave. You guys decide whether that’s in five minutes or five hours.”

They nod, getting back into formation and Cheryl presses play on her phone, the backing track starting to play.

She turns to Toni as her Vixens start to cheer and dance, curling her arms tighter around the smaller girl and resting her head against Toni’s. “T?”

“Hmm?” Toni asks, looking up with a sigh.

“Wanna help me judge?”

Toni shakes her head, closing her eyes. There’s a high possibility she’ll fall asleep, right here, in the gym of RHS.

Half an hour later she looks up and pulls lightly on one of Cheryl’s ears to get her attention. “They’re perfect,” she mumbles, flicking her eyes over to the Vixens.

“I don’t think so,” Cheryl stresses. “Veronica just –”

“They’re _perfect_ ,” Toni repeats, her eyes wide and glassy as she looks up at her girlfriend. “Can we go home? Please?”

Cheryl smiles gently down at her and nods. “One more run-through, Vixens, and you’re good to go. Make it your best yet!”

After ten minutes has passed and all the cheerleaders are gone, Cheryl carefully lifts Toni up and sits her down on the chair. “Let me clean up and then we’ll go home, okay?”

Toni nods. “Do you want some help?”

Cheryl shakes her head with a laugh. “You stay there, sweetheart.”

0o0o0

When they get home, Cheryl sits down on the bed to take her shoes off and Toni’s right back in her lap.

“Toni, is something the matter?” The redhead questions softly, not minding her girlfriend’s clinginess at all but still worried nonetheless.

Toni shakes her head. “Just had a shitty day,” she murmurs, her eyes fluttering closed. “I just want a cuddle.”

Cheryl frowns, not believing her 100% but ignoring that. “I can do that.” She lays down and pulls Toni down on top of her, resting the shorter girl’s head in the crook of her neck and starting to run her fingers in random patterns along Toni’s stomach. The other girl rolls over, curling close in to Cheryl and falling silent, letting her worries go as she concentrates on the soft fingers trailing over her hips.

“How is it,” she starts, tilting her head up to look at Cheryl. Her nose bumps against Cheryl’s neck softly. “That every time I have a shit day you somehow fix it within minutes?”

“I don’t know,” Cheryl tells her. “Maybe I have magical powers?”

“You’re a damn magician,” Toni assures her. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cheryl smiles. “Now, how about movie night tonight? I’ll order us pizza and we can curl up in front of the tv and make out during the scary parts of whatever the hell is on?”

“Sounds perfect,” Toni whispers. “Not yet, though. I need to cuddle for a bit longer.”

0o0o0

When their movie finishes at half past midnight, Toni’s asleep on top of the redhead, her pink locks scattered across Cheryl’s chest. Cheryl reaches over her to find the remote, scrambling for a second before her fingers find the button to plunge the room into total darkness. There’s an empty pizza box on the floor, her girlfriend’s dressing gown is falling off one shoulder, and they’re squished into the corner of the couch together, Toni’s body curled up above Cheryl’s.

The redhead smiles happily, pressing her lips to Toni’s head and stroking her fingers over the bare skin of her girlfriend’s shoulder before pulling the sleeve of the purple dressing gown back over Toni’s neck to keep them both warm. She settles down, her head in the crook of the armrest, and slings an arm around her girlfriend’s waist holding her tight. She’s not going to move them upstairs. Not when Toni looks so damn peaceful. Not just for a comfortable bed and a good night’s rest.

0o0o0

The next time she wakes, Toni’s flailing about and suddenly she’s falling and with a thump they both land on the floor.

“ _Ow_ ,” she whispers, blinking to try and adjust her eyes to the light. “TT? You okay?”

Toni’s in tears, big, shaking sobs wracking her body. “Cher…”

“Hey,” Cheryl whispers. “It’s okay. I’m just here. It’s just a dream.”

“Just a dream?” Toni asks quietly.

“Just a dream, Toni,” she promises. The other girl nods and her tears lessen, wiping her eyes as she finds her way into Cheryl’s lap. “Wanna tell me about it?” Cheryl prods gently.

Toni shakes her head, her breathing evening out. “It’s okay,” she mumbles. “Can we go upstairs?”

Cheryl nods. “Of course, baby girl.” She pulls Toni up and wraps an arm around her waist, supporting her up the stairs in their sleepy state. Once they get to her bedroom, Toni sighs, crawling into Cheryl’s arms with a small smile.

“Comfy,” she slurs softly, her voice overcome with fatigue.

“Go to sleep, TT,” Cheryl whispers. “I’ll be right here in the morning, and we’ll have the whole day together.”

“Kay,” Toni mumbles. “Night, Cher.”

“Night, Toni,” she murmurs back. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Toni says, and the room falls silent in a way that only few, special people get to experience.


	29. Unexpected Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni does something. Accidentally. But it could be lifechanging

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt was: I have like a tiny request and like i'm def scared to type it because i literally have never seen it done BUT can we like get one where (for some accident or through flashbacking with trauma) toni actually does hit cheryl. It would be interesting for a backstory and for them to overcome it  
> and this physically HURT me to write. like... i do hurt/comfort, but GEEZ. ouch. Okay, here's your toni-hits-cheryl, crazy monster who i love. good prompt. despite the fact it almost killed me.  
> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR ABUSE, BOTH SEXUAL AND PHYSICAL. ALSO, panic attacks and crying, but i feel like they're kind of the norm now (oops) comments, please, my loves. they inspire me. prompts too. love you all!

Things have been tense all day. Toni’s _this_ close to bursting into tears and she just wants a hug, someone to calm her down because she hasn’t seen Cheryl for more than five, ten minutes a day since the whole farm saga began.

She’s pleasantly surprised when she walks into Thistle House and her redheaded counterpart is sitting at the bench, working on some algebra homework.

“Hey,” Toni says lightly, coming over to wrap her arms around Cheryl with a sigh. “How was you day?”

Cheryl shrugs. “Alright. Yours?”

Toni buries her face in Cheryl’s neck. “Relatively shitty.”

Cheryl nods. “Alright.”

“Cher?” Toni asks, looking up slightly. “Can we have a movie night? Just us two? Tonight?”

“Raincheck?” Cheryl asks sheepishly. “I’ve got a meeting at Ev’s place tonight.”

Toni closes her eyes, letting her face drop back into Cheryl’s neck, the tears that have been at bay all day starting to fall. “Can’t you skip? Just this once?”

Cheryl shakes her head, turning back to her homework. “Obligatory. Sorry.”

“You’re not,” Toni murmurs, and Cheryl’s head snaps up.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing,” the shorter girl whispers. “I just miss you.”

Cheryl rolls her eyes. “I’m literally right here.”

“You’re not,” Toni repeats softly.

“You got a problem?” Cheryl asks quickly. “Because I have about ten minutes, okay? So sure – tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Don’t wanna waste your precious time,” Toni retorts.

“Listen, Toni,” Cheryl says tiredly. “I don’t have time for avoiding the topic. So let me have it. Yell at me.”

Toni starts to cry. “You’re never here, Cher. You spend all your time with the farm and I’m so done! You’re my girlfriend, Cheryl, I want to actually be with you rather than seeing you rush in and out and back and forth!”

Cheryl groans. “I am here, TT.”

“You’re _not_ ,” Toni snaps. “You’re not! You promised you’d always be here for me and you’re not! It’s all about the stupid farm and stupid Evelyn and Edgar and Jason and I’m sick of it!”

“Why don’t you join, then?”

“Because it’s a freaking _cult_ , Cher. You’re being inducted into a CULT!” She’s yelling now, so sick of this, ready to do anything to get Cheryl to understand. “Can’t you just be here for me?”

Cheryl stands up with a bang. “I _am_ , Toni! You’re the one who comes home and acts all depressed and won’t tell me what’s actually wrong, just being _sad_ and waiting til I ask! It’s like you just want the attention!”

“Like you don’t do the same!” Toni spits, stamping her feet in frustration. “This isn’t – it’s not even about that. It’s about the fact that they’re blindsiding you with their cult crap and you have no idea!”

“They’re my _family_ ,” Cheryl says, as if she’s talking to a small child. Toni sobs.

“What about me, Cheryl?”

“You… you are too, TT, but – it’s like you and the serpents…”

“ _Don’t_ talk to me about the serpents,” Toni says angrily. “Who took those away from me? Oh, wait… you!”

“It’s starting to sound like _I’m_ your problem, Toni.”

“Maybe you _are_ ,” Toni yells. “Maybe you should stop thinking about yourself for once and look around you! Maybe you should actually take in what you’re doing to others!”

“Maybe _you_ ,” Cheryl says, coming  forward and placing a tight grip around Toni’s wrist. “Should understand that I’m not just yours. That I can spread myself too. That I’m allowed to spend time with Evelyn and the farm –” Her fingers dig into Toni’s wrist and Toni’s suddenly reminded of back when she lived with her uncle, and she reaches up with her other arm and punches Cheryl in the shoulder.

The whole world _stops_.

“Cher.” Fuck.

“Cheryl.”

Cheryl drops Toni’s arm and turns away.

“Cheryl.”

Toni’s shaking, she can’t breathe. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.

“Get _out_ ,” Cheryl hisses. “Get the _fuck_ out of my house.”

“Cher,” Toni cries, tears streaming down her face. “Cheryl.”

“I have nothing to say to you,” Cheryl spits. “Get out.”

0o0o0

As soon as the door shuts behind her, Cheryl falls to the ground in a heap, her shoulder shaking with sobs.

It’s not that it hurt. Not physically.

It’s just…

Toni _hit_ her.

She cries so hard that her stomach cramps up and she almost vomits, curling up with her knees to her chest and riding out the panic attack alone for the first time since she and Toni started dating.

It’s like, in the split second that Toni went to hit her, every memory from her childhood came flooding back. It’s like her precious, beautiful Toni was gone and her mother was back. Her father. With no one to protect her.

She sobs harder, her pain reducing with every cry, until she’s sitting on the ground, numb, tears dripping down her cheek with no real emotion behind them.

She falls asleep against the wall, her eyes shut against the pain of real life only to sink into the horror of her dreams.

0o0o0

Toni comes home. She can’t just _leave_ like that.

“Cher?” Her voice is thick with tears despite having cried for hours already. “Baby…”

She sits gently on the floor next to her girlfriend and brushes a lock of red hair behind Cheryl’s ear, noting her girlfriend’s puffy cheeks.

“Why are you here?” Cheryl’s voice shocks her out of her reverie and she starts to cry again.

“To apologise… to explain,” she whispers.

“I don’t want an explanation,” Cheryl says.

“Please,” Toni begs, hot tears streaming down her swollen cheeks. “Cheryl, please.”

Cheryl crosses her arms, giving the smaller girl absolutely _nothing_.

“I… when you grabbed my wrist,” she starts, choking on her own tears. “It was like my uncle was back. He used… used to grab my… wrists and pin them above me… and then… shit, Cher, I’m sorry, he used to tie them above me and then… rape me, I guess, or fuck me, or whatever you want to call it. And I know that’s no excuse but… it was like I was back there and it was just self defence, I swear, I never would have wanted to hurt you. I just… it was instinct. And that’s not excuse and I’m _sorry_ –”

“Stop, Toni,” Cheryl says.

The shorter girl pauses, taking a gasping breath.

Cheryl looks up and right into Toni’s teary eyes and opens her arms gently. “Come here.”

Toni frowns, sniffing, her tears showing no sign of stopping. “Why?”

“Because,” Cheryl whispers. “I need to talk to you.”

“Talk to me here?” Toni says, and it’s a question – she’s really confused as to why Cheryl’s not kicking her out.

“I need…” Cheryl struggles to get the words out around the growing lump in her throat. “I need to hold you.”

Toni needs to be held, too, but she doesn’t want to overstep any lines she’s inadvertently drawn.

“Come here, Toni,” Cheryl asks, and it’s almost a plead. “Please.”

The shorter girl shuffles over, her shoulders still shaking with sobs. “I’m sorry,” she whispers into Cheryl’s neck.

“How come you never told me any of this?” Cheryl asks, but it’s soft, like a genuine question rather than a jab at her.

“Didn’t think you needed to know,” Toni shrugs, trying and failing to stop her tears. “It’s not important, Cher, what’s important is that I hit you!”

Cheryl shakes her head. “Tell me if I’m wrong, Toni – you were having a flashback, were you not? You didn’t realise you were hitting me. You thought I was him.”

Toni nods, her face scrunched up. “That doesn’t excuse it.”

“It doesn’t,” Cheryl allows. “But it also does. To a t. Because I _get_ that. If someone had have done something the way my mother used to hurt me – I would’ve hurt them, too. Even if it was you. Instinct, right?”

Toni nods.

“We both had shitty childhoods,” Cheryl tells her. “I don’t know the full extent of yours and I’m pretty sure you don’t know all of mine, either. That gives us a little bit of leeway when it comes to things like this. I didn’t know _anything_ about that, TT.”

The simple use of her nickname reduces Toni to ugly tears all over again, snotting and sniffling all over her girlfriend’s shoulder.

“So yeah, you hit me. But you didn’t mean to. It’s not like when my witch of a mother did it – you had no intent to hurt me. It was pure instinct.”

Toni nods again. She can’t talk.

“We’re going to talk about this,” Cheryl informs her. “We have to, to maintain any sort of relationship we have. Sure, we’re in shambles at the moment. But we can fix this. We’re going to talk about it. But not tonight.”

Toni’s heart sinks. “The farm?”

“No,” Cheryl laughs softly. “You really think I’d leave you right now?”

Toni shrugs, dissolving back into tears again. “I wasn’t sure.”

Cheryl’s heart clenches. She really has to sort out this whole farm/Toni balance. “Of course not.”

Toni nods. “Please don’t let me go.”

“Never,” Cheryl promises.

They don’t move, not even after Cheryl’s legs and butt go completely numb and Toni’s tears stop. They’re too wrapped up in themselves, too scared to move lest something changes from the unexpected paradise they’ve somehow found in the aftermath of an event neither ever expected to occur.


	30. Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> literally just soft choni

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is NO plot to this, they're just bein cute. i'm on holiday at the moment with next-to-no reception so silence from me is a high probability. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT, i'm having a bit of a hard time right now and your comments, reading through them, is the highlight of my day. so pretty please comment. also, i haven't watched the riverdale episode yet and i'm pissing myself bc of this stupid wifi, but i have watched the choni scenes and firstly "bitch. i love her and she loves me" is beautiful, and secondly, the LOCKER ROOM SCENE MADE ME CRY WITHOUT HAVING A PROPER BACKSTORY, love that for us. goodnight, cuties. i love you all to pluto and back. and go check out @theauthenticme, she's a great writer and we've done a couple collabs, go read 'em. love you all!

“I swear to god, Cheryl, if you steal the whole doona imma put my cold feet on you.”

Cheryl giggles, rolling away and pulling the blankets with her. “I’m evil.”

“That you are,” Toni grumbles, flopping over onto her stomach so she’s closer to the redhead, the _warmth_. “Give it back, you devil.”

Cheryl bares her teeth, breaking into a fit of laughter. “You’re funny.”

“And I will sleep in the spare room if you don’t give me the blanket.”

Cheryl pouts. “You would _never_ , Antoinette. We both know you can’t sleep without me.”

Toni kicks her, and Cheryl shrieks as the shorter girl’s icy feet make contact with her warm ones. “Fine, fine! Have the blanket, you ass.”

“Sharing is caring, my love,” Toni hums, snuggling into Cheryl’s side under the warm duvet. “This is nice.”

Cheryl nods. “I forgot how clingy you were.”

Toni scoffs, pulling back and putting on her best mock-angry face. “ _Clingy_ , Miss Bombshell? You have the _audacity_ to call me _clingy_?”

Cheryl laughs, rolling over to flop on top of Toni, curling into her girlfriend. “So what if I do?”

Toni grins wickedly, reaching her long fingers down to curl into Cheryl’s side, tickling the redhead until she’s in fits of hysterics, her body jerking around as Toni ‘tortures’ her.

“Stop – Stop, _stop_!” Cheryl pants, grinning. “Stop, you monster!”

Toni lets up for a minute before attacking her girlfriend again. “Fine! Fine, I’m clingy, I’m clingy, _stop, Toni!_ ”

Toni laughs, mercifully stopping her advances and pulling her fingers back. Cheryl pouts, rolling over to straddle Toni, resting her forehead on the other girl’s. “You’re mean to me.”

“Sure am,” Toni laughs. “Don’t act like you don’t like it.”

Cheryl snorts. “I love you.”

Toni feels a blush spread across her face, a soft smile encompassing her pretty face. “I love you too, Cher.”

They sit like that for a moment. “Toni?”

The shorter girl flicks her eyes over to meet her girlfriend’s. “Mm?”

Cheryl exhales, and it’s like all the stress leaves her body from the semester of school they’ve just finished. “I really… I’m really grateful for you.” She trains her eyes on Toni’s lap, picking at a thread in the other girl’s flannel. “I… really appreciate having you here. That you haven’t left me yet.”

Toni smiles. “Hey, Cher, look at me.” She uses a soft hand to tilt the redhead’s face up. “There is no _yet_ , Cheryl. You can’t live your life waiting for the day I leave, okay? Because, baby, I’m not leaving you. You’re stuck with me. Forever. I… Cher, this scares me to no end, but I…” Fuck, here goes. “I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.”

Cheryl _expands_. It’s the feeling when she got a perfect score on a test in elementary school, the feeling she had when Jason would pick her up and swing her around to try to make her laugh after a particularly hard session with her parents. It’s how she felt once she was rescued from the sisters, the way singing the lead in the musical that first week with Toni felt. It’s how she felt after the then-serpent kissed her for the first time. It’s all that, magnified by about 17 trillion, and Cheryl’s chest swells with the amount of love she feels for the small girl who’s lap she’s occupying.

She doesn’t realise she’s crying until Toni reaches up to wipe a stray tear away. “I don’t even know how to put what I’m feeling into words,” Cheryl whispers softly, tucking a pink lock behind one of Toni’s button ears.

Toni smiles – not her usual shit-eating grin, not her soft smile, an open, trusting smile that Cheryl’s seen once, maybe twice before. “You don’t have to.”

“But I wanna,” Cheryl whines, smiling right back at her. “I wanna be able to tell you exactly how much I love you.”

Toni’s smile turns into a sneaky grin. “You could show me…”

Cheryl hits her softly. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Antoinette.”

Toni giggles. “Can I braid your hair?”

Cheryl scoffs. “Why would you wanna do that?”

“Because. It’ll be fun. And I wanna play with your hair. And I’m, like, 600% sure that you’ll look hot in French braids.”

Cheryl shrugs. “If you want.”

Toni’s face lights up and she jumps up, pulling Cheryl with her, sitting the redhead down at her vanity and pulling the cherry red brush from it’s holder, pulling it through her girlfriend’s silky hair. She uses her long fingers to nimbly work through the red locks, twisting and turning it this way and that into a braid down one side of Cheryl’s head.

The redhead watches her girlfriend through the mirror, so sure that she could never love Toni more. She’s reminded of back when she was staying with Toni, back when her mother still lived here and she was camping out at Fangs’ place with her new girlfriend, how she was positive that the amount of love she felt for Toni was the absolute limit, and how her girlfriend manages to prove her wrong _every single day_.

“Toni?”

The shorter girl looks up, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. “Mm?”

“I love you.”

Toni smiles. “I love you too.”

She goes back to braiding and Cheryl spends the next 10 minutes staring happily at her girlfriend, until Toni’s done and she flicks both braids to the front of Cheryl’s shoulders before twisting the spin chair around and plonking herself on Cheryl’s lap. “You,” she murmurs, inches from Cheryl’s lips. “Are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Cheryl blushes almost as red as her hair. “I’m so… I’m so _fucking_ in love with you, Toni.”

A slow smile spreads across Toni’s face as she leans forward, taking Cheryl’s lips in her own. “I’m so in love with you too, babe. Thank you for… for everything.”

They’re just two girls in love, two beautiful, young girls who don’t know what the hell they’re doing but are going to get it, work through it together, as only young loves can.


	31. Save me from the ones (that haunt me in the night)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni's going out of town for a few days, and obviously Cher doesn't want her to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty i have so many things to say  
> firstly - hi! i'm back! and i wrote a couple little collabs with theauthenticme, check them out? they're cute. i think. also check her stuff out, she's an amazing writer and person and she writes choni SO WELL.  
> secondly - i just went back to school so i haven't been writing much :( but i swear i'll get back into the swing of things soon and this will be updated more regularly, i hope. i'm having a bit of a tough time at the moment and writing either alleviates my anxiety or makes it worse so i guess we'll find out.  
> thirdly - i high key keep opening my notifs and hoping for messages from y'all because you make me happy but then there is none and i get sad but then i remember that HEY i have to post if i want comments so because i have finally posted will y'all pleeeeasssseee leave me some nice comments to cheer my sad ass up?  
> fourthly - is fourthly a word? anyway, title taken from don't go by bring me the horizon, which wasn't my original plan and when i googled 'don't go' lyrics it came up but i DO NOT suggest you listen to it while you read it as it is mainly just screaming - good lyrics, but not really the vibe i was going for. also it really scared me when i listened to it as i DID not expect that my laptop was gonna scream. but it did. i'm fine now (kinda)  
> fifthly and FINALLY - i love you all so much. as i mentioned, i'm going through some stuff, but i swear, your kind comments are what keep me going, i love you all to the moon and back seventy million times. i write for you. sometimes you may not want to read my crap and i get that but the fact that you do makes me happier than anything else. also shout out to my group chat on twitter, you know who you are, i love you all too.  
> I'M GONNA SHUT UP NOW OMG. I DIDN'T MEAN TO WRITE THAT MUCH, LET ME GIVE YOU THE CHAPTER. love you!!!

“Please don’t leave me.”

Cheryl’s seated on their bed, crosslegged, watching as Toni rushes around the room, packing her suitcase for the three-day road trip she’s taking with the Poisons. When the whisper comes, it’s broken and quiet, and Toni only just hears it, turning around and smiling gently at the redhead.

“Hey,” she murmurs, pausing in her endeavours and coming over to sit down next to Cheryl. “We’ve talked about this. It’s only three days. Alright? You’ll be okay.”

“Three days too many,” Cheryl whispers, her eyes filling with tears. To make matters worse, she’d started her period earlier today and her hormones were all over the place – she’d already cried twice this morning, both for pitiful, pathetic reasons.

Toni sighs, pulling Cheryl backwards into her arms, the redhead’s back against her chest. “It’ll go really quickly,” she promises. “You won’t even know I’m gone.”

“I will,” Cheryl says around the growing lump in her throat. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Toni tells her. “But hey – we gotta work through this, remember? Individuality?”

In all honestly, Toni wasn’t too happy about leaving Cheryl, either. They’d really only just gotten back into a comfortable swing in their relationship, it felt like all the angst and issues from the past months had finally faded out, and now she’s leaving? What kind of idiot did that?

Cheryl sighs, nodding. “I know. Doesn’t mean I won’t miss you.”

Toni laughs. “Let me finish packing, baby, and then I’ll cuddle you until Peaches gets here, okay?”

“Kay,” Cheryl pouts, feeling heavy. “Want help?”

Toni shakes her head, a small smile on her face. “You stay there, baby. I’ll be quick.”

Cheryl watches as her girlfriend throws the last of her packing into the rucksack and jerks her head up quickly. “Not that one.”

“This one?” Toni asks, holding up a purple and blue chequered flannel. “Why?”

“I want it,” Cheryl grins cheekily, pulling it from her girlfriend’s hands and wrapping it around her shoulders, breathing in Toni’s musky smell.

Toni laughs. “Okay, baby. You keep that one. I’ll just take one of your hoodies instead, shall I?”

“Go for it,” Cheryl replies nonchalantly. “Just not the red one, I wanna wear it tomorrow.”

“Well,” Toni grins. “I wanted to wear that tomorrow, so guess what? I’m taking the red one.”

Cheryl pouts. “Meanie.”

“Don’t steal my clothes, then,” Toni retorts playfully.

“But they’re comfier than mine,” Cheryl tells her. “Softer.”

“Buy comfier clothes.”

“Shut up and finish packing so we can make out.”

That shuts them up.

Five minutes later and Toni’s done, and she flops down on the bed, pulling Cheryl closer. “Now you smell like me.”

“That’s the point,” Cheryl points out.

“Yeah, but now it’s weird to kiss you,” Toni grins. “Just seems kinda vain.”

Cheryl takes it off and wraps it around her girlfriend’s shoulders. “You better give it back before you leave, dumbass.”

Toni grins happily. “For sure,” she murmurs, leaning down to capture Cheryl’s lips with her own.

Cheryl make a sound, a little ‘oh’, and then she’s crying again, tears dripping down her cheeks and into their combined lips, enough that Toni pulls away and tugs Cheryl into her, the redhead burying her face into Toni’s shoulder.

“It’s only three days,” Toni tells her, over and over. “It’ll be over before you know it.”

Cheryl nods, crying softly and just holding Toni while she can. It feels overdramatic and almost as if the shorter girl’s leaving for a year rather than a few days, but she can’t help it, she just wants Toni with her.

Half an hour later, Toni rouses her hesitantly. “I’ve gotta go, babe.”

Cheryl nods understandingly, sniffing and pressing her lips to Toni’s again. “Okay.”

She trails behind Toni as the other girl walks towards the front door and attacks her again before she can open it, pulling her flannel off her and backing Toni up against the wall, her lips working hard as a final goodbye.

Toni moans softly, bringing her hands up to hold Cheryl’s face and kissing her back eagerly, getting lost in the redhead’s lips before pushing her away gently. “I gotta go,” she whispers.

Cheryl bites her lip before barrelling into Toni, hugging her tight. “I love you,” she mumbles.

“I love you too,” Toni says quietly. “So, so much.”

Cheryl nods, pulling back reluctantly and opening the door, waving at Peaches. She presses her lips one more time to Toni’s and then grins forcedly, holding the flannel up. “Have a good time!”

She watches them ride off down the road and then turns back inside, slouching upstairs and running herself a huge bath, filling it with Toni’s bubbles and pouring herself a lemonade, sliding into the hot water with a sigh.

0o0o0

The first night is _hard_. Cheryl cries herself to sleep and then manages to stay that way for less than two hours, groaning awake at 2am and pouring herself coffee after coffee to try and stay awake. She’s not sure what’s worse – sleeping without Toni, the nightmares hitting full strength, or being awake without the pink-haired girl, her presence missing from each and every room of the overly large house.

When she finally crashes again, it’s at 10.30am and with a thought of ‘if I get a day off school I should be spending it with my girlfriend rather than pining for her’, and she manages to stay asleep for an hour or so before waking with a gasp and having to convince herself for about 20 minutes after that that Toni’s away, not gone.

Veronica comes over at 1, with a ‘you look like shit, Cher,’ bringing her food and milkshakes courtesy of Pop. She downs them without tasting, wrapped in Toni’s shirt, feeling pathetic and young and continuously on the verge of tears.

“Hey,” Veronica says, about an hour after she’s arrived, when Cheryl’s said less than two words to her and she’s getting a bit bored. “How about you come back to my place tonight? Betty’ll be there, and I’ll invite Josie too. It’ll be fun.”

Cheryl shakes her head. “I’m okay. Thanks, though.”

Veronica smirks. “Sorry. Did I say that as if you had a choice? You don’t. You’re coming over.”

“I don’t want to,” Cheryl says quietly. “I’m fine here.”

“Toni said you’d get like this,” Veronica sighs, and Cheryl’s chest clenches at the mention of her name. “Come on, Cher. For me?”

Cheryl shakes her head.

“For Toni?”

The redhead closes her eyes. “Ugh, _fine_. But no stupid parlour games. I want to watch a sad, depressing movie and then cry myself to sleep. Thank you.”

0o0o0

They end up watching _Titanic_ and they all cry, not just Cheryl. She falls asleep to Veronica rubbing circles over her back as she sniffles – her on the floor with Josie and Betty and Veronica sharing Ronnie’s bed.

She wakes at 2am, almost custom now, trying and failing to contain her tears.

“Cher?” It’s Josie’s voice, sleep-riddled and calming, and Cheryl sniffs, wiping her eyes quickly as her best friend sits up.

“Hey,” the girl says quietly. “What’s wrong?”

“I m-miss her,” Cheryl whispers, hot tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Toni?” Josie asks, moving slowly closer.

Cheryl nods. “I want her to come h-home, Josie. I ne-need her.”

“I know,” Josie soothes. “Hey, where’d you put her top?” She reaches over Cheryl and pulls carefully at Toni’s flannel, wrapping it around Cheryl’s shoulders and then laying back down and pulling Cheryl up against her. “Breathe with me, Cher,” she whispers. “I got you. Toni’s gonna be home before you know it.”

Cheryl nods sadly. “I can’t sleep properly. I keep having nightmares.”

Josie sighs. “I’ve got you, Cher. Just try to sleep.” She runs her fingers over Cheryl’s arms, soothing the redhead until she falls back asleep.

0o0o0

She wakes again an hour later, loud sobs bursting through her chest and waking all three of the other girls.

“Breathe, Cher,” Veronica tells her. “You’re okay. It’s just a dream.”

Cheryl shakes her head, flailing around until she locates Toni’s flannel and bringing it up to her nose, burying her face in the soft fabric. “She’s gone.”

“Not gone,” Josie promises. “She’ll be back soon.”

Cheryl looks up, her eyes teary. “Promise?”

“Promise,” Josie says gently, laying her back down and starting to rub her back, singing softly. Cheryl falls asleep soon after.

“D’you think she’s okay?” Veronica whispers into the dark room. Betty finds her hand and squeezes it.

“I don’t know,” Josie admits. “I don’t think she should be left alone.”

Veronica smiles, squeezing Betty’s hand right back. “I’ll stay with her tomorrow night, the speakeasy’s closed.”

The girls drift back to sleep, Betty never letting Veronica go and Josie’s hands never leaving Cheryl’s.

0o0o0

Toni’s absent the next morning – they’re not driving today, spending the day at a nice lakeside town and then heading back home in the morning – so she’s texting Cheryl, all morning, literally ignoring her gang to the point where Peaches asks why they even came, when they could be doing the same thing at home.

0o0o0

Cheryl’s on a slight high from the texts and makes it through the day, even agreeing to have Veronica over without too much of a fuss. She watches Brooklyn Nine-Nine with the brunette until her eyes droop and falls asleep with her head on the other girl’s shoulder, her red hair cascading down her back.

0o0o0

Toni’s been too tired to have too much trouble sleeping for the past few nights but since they did almost nothing today she wakes at 1am with a tight chest and tears falling silently down her cheeks. Willing the images of her parents’ blank eyes to leave her head, she grabs her phone and quietly unlocks the door of the hotel, finding a seat and scrolling through Instagram.

0o0o0

They both see the little green dot at the same time, but it’s Toni who calls.

“Cher?”

Cheryl almost starts to cry again. “Hey, TT.”

“Why are you awake?” Toni’s voice is soft and tight, like she’s on the very edge of tears.

“Why are you?” Cheryl asks, a light laugh on her lips.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Toni admits, and Cheryl murmurs her agreement.

“Miss you,” Cheryl tells her quietly, and Toni bites her lip.

“Miss you too,” she whispers.

“Ronnie says that if I don’t wash this flannel she’s gonna unfriend me,” Cheryl giggles wetly. “Tell her not to steal it off me in my sleep and wash it?”

Toni growls lightly. “She better not.”

They talk until dawn, until Veronica stumbles into the bathroom and finds Cheryl, her eyes shut peacefully, her phone pressed up against her ear, not hung up – Veronica can hear Toni’s sleeping breath float carefully through the phone when she picks it up.

Cheryl jerks awake a minute later and snatches it from Veronica’s hand with a growl. “Why’d you hang up?”

“Because,” Veronica tells her. “I don’t want the radioactive waves to give you cancer.”

“No,” Cheryl whines. “Now she’s gonna think I hate her.”

“She won’t,” Veronica grins. “How long did you talk to her?”

“Couple hours?” Cheryl says with a small smile. “Sorry, Ronnie. Neither of us could sleep.”

“Okay,” Veronica sighs. “Don’t be a bitch later because you’re tired though, okay?”

“For sure,” Cheryl promises.

0o0o0

She doesn’t keep her promise.

She’s not a bitch, not really.

But Cheryl Blossom has anxiety and her anxiety is more pronounced without adequate sleep.

It’s like the panic attack creeps up all day and then when it finally hits, it hits hard.

Her whole body shakes as the adrenaline flows through her veins, and Veronica _tries_ , she really does, she calls Betty over and the blonde tries to help her cousin as well but it’s pointless – Cheryl needs Toni.

Through her anxiety-clouded mind, she manages to get one thought through – _Toni_. The name bursts from her bitten lips over and over, until Betty’s sure she’ll have nightmares from Cheryl’s broken, empty bleating and Veronica wants to cry.

“Think about her,” she pleads. “What would she do if she was here, Cher?”

Cheryl can’t. She’s not sure. Toni needs to be here.

She thinks about the last time she freaked out and remembered the pink-haired girl’s words – _breathe, Cher. Breathe, sweetheart. You’re okay. It’ll be over in a minute, just breathe through it._

She tries, closing her eyes and imagining that her flannel-clad girlfriend is right there, right next to her, that it’s Toni instead of Veronica who’s rubbing her back soothingly. It kind of works – not really, but it’s better than realising she’s having a panic attack in front of two people she doesn’t know all that well.

“TT,” she whispers brokenly, tears streaming down her puffy cheeks. “I need… I need help.”

Veronica and Betty stay quiet and Cheryl’s trembling, running her fingers over and over the soft fabric of Toni’s flannel, until it feels like Toni’s holding her instead of her raven-haired friend. She breathes out, hunching over.

“It’s hard,” she whispers, and Veronica sighs.

“I know,” she breathes, and Cheryl exhales, settling back against her friend.

“Ronnie?” She asks, a minute later.

“Hmm?”

“What’s the time?”

“One,” Veronica murmurs, and Cheryl’s chest tightens. Toni’s not coming home until 8, maybe 9 tonight.

“Okay,” Betty says quickly, picking up on Cheryl’s behaviour. “Let’s have some food, hey – No, Cher, you’re eating – and then we can do a _Harry Potter_ marathon – it’ll pass the time.”

“Kay,” Cheryl says quietly.

0o0o0

They’re halfway through _Prisoner of Azkaban_ when Cheryl’s phone chimes.

“ _Toni_ ,” she breathes, picking it up, a slow grin spreading across her face at the snapchat her girlfriend’s sent through – her face, tired but smiling, her motorbike helmet under her arm with the caption ‘just leaving greendale. be home in an hour.’

Betty watches her with a small smile. “How long?”

“An hour,” Cheryl responds with a grin. “How long has this got left?”

“Just over,” Veronica tells her. “Popcorn?”

“If you want,” Cheryl murmurs, snuggling tighter into the cushions.

0o0o0

Cheryl’s up like a bullet when she hears the front door unlock, pulling it open and jumping into Toni’s arms, wrapping her body around the smaller girl’s with a long sigh.

Toni laughs, staggering backwards and dropping her bags to support her girlfriend’s weight, giggling as Cheryl presses kiss after kiss to her face.

“Gonna have to let you down, Cher,” she says, and Cheryl’s resolve breaks and she’s crying, crying so much.

“Don’t,” she tells her girlfriend, and clings tighter. “How… how was it?”

“Good,” Toni murmurs, placing Cheryl gently on her feet and pulling her in by the waist, their foreheads touching. “God, I missed you so much.”

Cheryl leans forward and stops, just before her lips touch Toni’s, letting all the anxiety and stress and sadness from the weekend out and _holding_ her girlfriend. Toni’s eyes flick up, still – _always_ – seeking consent, and Cheryl nods slightly, her head nodding up to meet Toni’s lips in a soft, loving kiss.

It’s like it’s been years, not days – Cheryl’s forgotten, completely, the feeling of Toni’s warm lips and her smoky smell and her small body.

“Cher,” Toni breathes, pulling back carefully. She looks over the redhead’s shoulder at Veronica, her mouth curled into a smile.

“Thank _god_ you’re back, Tiny,” Veronica says, a small grin lighting up her face. “Not sure how much longer I’d survive on 3-4 hours of sleep a night.”

Toni frowns. “Cher?”

“Couldn’t,” Cheryl says, a pout on her naked lips. “Nightmares.”

“Babe…” Toni’s face falls. She turns to Cheryl and pulls her close again. “What?”

“We should leave…” Betty stage whispers. “Our job is done, V, let’s go home.”

Veronica nods, pushing past the two girls and pulling Toni’s luggage inside. “We’ll see you at school tomorrow?” She asks, pulling Betty behind her.

“Yeah,” Toni nods absently. Cheryl snickers.

“No,” the redhead says.

“ _Yes_ ,” Toni says firmly. “V? Betty?”

The two turn back.

“Thank you,” Toni says, and Cheryl nods.

“Thank you,” she echoes.

“Any time,” Betty promises, and Veronica shakes her head, eyes wide. Toni laughs, shutting the door carefully and then turning back to Cheryl.

Cheryl finds herself suddenly shy. “I… I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Toni asks. “Why?”

“I couldn’t… last. Ronnie and Betty and Josie…”

Toni shrugs. “I… it was hard, hey?”

Cheryl nods quickly, trying not to cry. “I’m so tired, TT.”

Toni’s heart clenches at the nickname. “You hungry?”

Cheryl shakes her head.

“Great, me neither. Let’s go have a bath, hey? And then we can go to bed.”

0o0o0

Cheryl’s back is to Toni’s chest, laying against her in the hot water. Toni’s fingers scrape lazily through Cheryl’s curls, one of her hands running down her girlfriend’s body.

“You gonna fall asleep on me here, Cher?” Toni asks her gently, smiling at her girlfriend.

Cheryl murmurs sleepily. “Maybe.”

“Wanna get out?”

“Prob’ly should,” the redhead mumbles. “Don’t wanna move, though.”

“Let’s get out,” Toni suggests. “And then go to bed, so if you fall asleep – you won’t drown.”

“Okay,” Cheryl whispers, making no effort to move.

“Okay means get up.”

Cheryl groans and lifts herself out of the bath, pulling Toni along with her. “Meanie.”

0o0o0

“I missed you,” Cheryl’s whisper comes quickly from her position curled up into Toni’s side.

“I missed you too, my love,” Toni breathes. “Next time – come with me.” She sighs happily and pulls Cheryl closer, but something’s wrong. “Cher?”

“Do… do you think it’s bad?” Cheryl’s eyes seek Toni’s in the darkness, troubled and sad.

“Bad?” Toni asks her, stroking her hair. “What, that we don’t like being away from each other?”

“That I can’t _take_ being away from you,” Cheryl sighs. “That every time you’re gone I’m a ball of anxiety… like dynamite, ready to blow up.”

Toni shrugs. “I don’t think it’s bad, baby. I think it means our relationship is good.”

“But I’m so needy,” Cheryl whispers, her voice tight. “You heard Veronica… she said she couldn’t deal with me.”

“Veronica’s not me, babe,” Toni tells her. “And yeah, so what if you’re needy? So I am I.”

“Right,” Cheryl says unconvincingly.

“Hey,” Toni says gently, scooting down so they’re face-to-face. “It’s okay, baby. None of this is a problem. I love you for who you are. I love us – everything that that may entail.”

Cheryl’s face lights up with a smile, and she leans forward, resting their foreheads together. “Please don’t ever leave me again,” she whispers.

“Not planning to, bombshell,” Toni grins, their lips colliding once more.


	32. If you could let me in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni freaks out and is hesitant to let Cheryl know what's up in case she makes it worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR PANIC ATTACKS.  
> Hey, y'all! I'm back... have been having a few issues so atm my twitter account has been deactivated because of some stuff that was going on that was making me uncomfortable - if you want prompts, wanna chat - let me know in the comments, add me on discord, send me a message :) i love talking to you all. also, the reason I haven't updated this in ages is because a) the twitter thing which was taking up ALL my thoughts, and B) I've been working on a heap of collabs with theauthenticme! She's an amazing writer and person, and y'all should check out both our collabs and her other works, they're truly magical, as is she :)   
> please give me some love! apologies if this isn't up to my usual standards, I'm just dealing with some stuff :) oh and also - the prom episode really annoyed me so I'm working on an au where choni actually gets the prom they deserve... let me know if and what you'd like to see in that.   
> i love you all so much.   
> be safe, okay? look out for yourselves. if something doesnt feel right, it probably isn't, please stop it before you get in too deep. love you!

 

“Shit – _shit_ – someone get Cheryl. Quickly! Like, right _now_!”

_She can’t breathe. Her chest feels like there’s a boa constrictor wrapped around it seventy trillion times, she can’t breathe._

“I don’t know where she is, Veronica.”

_Everything’s spinning. Closing her eyes feels like a good option at this point._

“You’re her cousin, dammit! Surely you have her number.”

_The whole world is dark. Everything hurts._

“Don’t you?”

_Her stomach is churning, an anxious knot sitting uncomfortably in her gut._

“My phone’s dead, dammit. The hell is Cheryl?”

 _Wait – no – don’t get Cheryl._ “Don’t –”

“Don’t talk, Toni. We’re getting her.”

_Don’t. Don’t get her._

“Cher? Hi, it’s Veronica – yeah, I know. Can you – no, Cher, get your ass down to room – _listen to me, Cheryl, it’s Toni ­–_ room 304 – she’s – chill out, Cheryl you’re not helping. I – she hung up on me, bitch.”

_Don’t let her see –_

“Toni, you’re okay.”

_Don’t get Cheryl._

_“_ She’s coming, T. We’re getting her.”

“I don’t want her to –”

_“Toni!”_

_Her breath stops, absolutely comes to a halt. “_ Ch-Cher…”

“Hey, baby, girl, what’s happening?”

Toni scampers backward, hitting her head on the wall.

“Toni, calm down,” Cheryl tells her. “It’s me, baby, can I touch you?”

She reaches out a hand and her girlfriend flinches, her eyes wild. “Get out, Cher…” _She can’t let her see. Cheryl can’t see._ “Ronnie… get her out of here…”

Cheryl’s eyes flash in pain. “Toni?”

“You… you can’t be here… Cher, please leave.” _Make her leave – get her out of here._

“I’m _here_ , Toni, I’m not leaving, you can’t make me.” 

“P-please, Cher…”

“Toni.” Cheryl’s voice is firm. “I’m _not_ leaving. Hey… hey, shh, you’re okay.” The taller girl reaches out again and this time, instead of flinching, Toni leans into her touch, taking big, deep breaths.

“Good girl,” Cheryl whispers. Her steady hands rest on Toni’s waist for a second before the shorter girl is lifted up, away from the floor and into Cheryl’s lap. Toni’s face crumples, her small figure shaking, before she’s swept up into the panic and it consumes her all over again.

“Hey,” Cheryl’s whispering, but Toni isn’t listening, pictures and memories and stupid slides running through her overworked mind. “You’re okay, we’re doing this… it’s okay… you’re okay… shh, shhh, you’re alright.”

“N-need to get out,” Toni whispers wetly.

“Outside?” Cheryl asks, cradling the smaller girl against her chest. Toni nods, and Cheryl – with Veronica’s help, stands up, never letting her girlfriend go, and drag-carries Toni out the door, into the corridor.

“Is everything okay?” Peaches asks, and Cheryl shakes her head.

“Help me get her outside.”

Once they’re out, Cheryl sinks down onto the front step of the school, pulling Toni against her side. “You’re okay,” she whispers again. “It’s okay.”

Toni’s shoulders shake as she buries her face in Cheryl’s shoulder. “I – I can’t… b-breathe.”

“You can, baby girl,” Cheryl murmurs. “I promise you can. Here – focus on my breathing, okay? You’re okay.” She moves Toni’s head to her chest so that the smaller girl could feel her breath. “It’s okay.”

Toni moans softly. “C-can’t, Cher…”

“You can,” Cheryl repeats. “Shh… in with me now… and out… back in again… and now back out… you’re doing good, TT, doing so well… shh… in… out. Good girl. In, and out… yeah, that’s it, good girl…”

Toni closes her eyes as her chest finally loosens. “Shit,” she says tiredly.

“It’s okay,” Cheryl mumbles, gently tilting Toni’s head up to wipe carefully at her tears. “Oh, Toni…”

“Sorry,” Toni whispers. She pulls away gently, wiping her cheeks with the heel of her palm. “I… sorry.”

“Don’t be,” the redhead smiles gently. “That… hey – come here.” She pulls Toni back into her arms. “Did something… happen?”

Toni nods, her lip quivering. “I didn’t want you to see…”

“See what?” Cheryl asks with a frown. “TT?”

Toni’s eyes fill with tears again, her face breaking. “In health… we watched a movie…”

“The documentary?”

Toni nods. “You saw it?”

“Watching tomorrow,” Cheryl shrugs. “Why?”

“It’s all… all about abuse, Cher… and I – it scared me, brought back memories from my uncle, and then… I was imagining it was you – and I got so upset… she _hurt_ you, Cher, she – she can’t do that! How do – how do people even _think_ like that?” She breaks off with a  sob. “It’s so messed up.”

Cheryl’s shoulders slump. “It is.”

“See…” Toni whispers, looking on as Cheryl’s eyes darken. “This is why I didn’t want you to come…”

“No…” Cheryl says quickly, looking up at her. “No, Toni, I’m fine… just, I don’t want my _stupid_ anxieties stopping you from thinking that you can call on me when you’re not okay… it stresses me out knowing that you were alone…”

“Not alone…” Toni says weakly. “Ronnie… and Betty.”

“Not good enough,” Cheryl hisses. “I’m _here_ , Toni, okay? You mean more to me than my anxieties do – if you’re having a panic attack, nothing – _nothing­_ – other than your safety matters to me. Not the triggers around us. Not my own panic. Just _you_ , TT. Always you.”

Toni sniffles, biting her lip and leaning forward  to rest her forehead against the redhead’s. “You… I just didn’t wanna make it hard for you…”

“You won’t – it makes it worse if I know you’re upset and you won’t let me in, okay?”

“Okay,” Toni whispers. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cheryl grins at her, tilting her chin up to meet Toni’s lips. “Thank you for letting me in.”

Toni sighs, all the rest of her worries melting away with the soft touch of her girlfriend’s lips.

“And hey,” Cheryl grins. “I was thinking… I don’t really wanna watch the documentary tomorrow… and I have two spares anyway… how about we take the day off, go away for the weekend?”

Toni’s swollen face splits into a smile. “I’d love that.”

“Me too, TT,” Cheryl whispers. “Me too.”


	33. Looking for a distant light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of Toni's backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ouch okay i have a LOT to say. firstly - i woke up this morning and most of the comments on my oneshot from last night were negative af. So...   
> if you don't like my writing - DON'T READ IT. it's not that hard. if you're mad that i write too much cheryl, that's your problem, not mine. i definitely take your suggestions into consideration, and i agree - we DO need more toni, but at the end of the day - it's my writing, i can write what i want, and if you give me a suggestion in a rude way then chances are i'm not gonna write it.   
> but, you know, I'm me and i did feel really bad that most of y'all didn't like the last chapter, so I wrote a little something that is WHOLLY TONI CENTRIC. NONE OF CHER'S TRAUMA.   
> so, guys... i love you all, i really do. and i'm sorry if you didn't like the chapter. but i wrote what i wrote and nothing you say can change that because I'm not about to go rewrite the whole chapter. if you didn't like it, you didn't like it - there's no need to comment unless you wanna be CONSTRUCTIVE rather than just disappointed in me and kind of deprecating.   
> please, guys, let me wake up tomorrow to some nice comments? because, as i've said so many times before - the fact that you all seem to enjoy this fic is the reason i write it, and the reason i post it. if you don't like it, i don't know why i do it.   
> but i love you all anyway and i promise to try and focus a bit more on miss topaz's backstory, because - believe it or not - I'm on the same page as y'all - i want toni to be validated and i think she needs WAY more of a story rather than just cher's gf.   
> anyway... i'll shut up. to everyone who still loves the fic - i love you. so much. more than you know.   
> night, loves! see you tomorrow for more 3x21! xxx 
> 
>  
> 
> eek trigger for panic attacks, abuse (sexual and physical) and flashbacks :)   
> title from 'not alone' by red

Toni listened to the automated message – _sorry, this user is currently busy –_ for the seventh time and bit her lip, tears rolling down her face. She pulled the phone down from her ear and sent off yet _another_ message to her girlfriend, this time coming straight to the point.

 _I need help_.

She wasn’t supposed to be on her phone – she was supposed to be working, but he’d walked into the bar and she’d almost passed out, so Veronica had let her have a quick break.

Her phone buzzed and she almost dropped it, picking it up with urgency – but it was just a post notification from Sweet Pea, some dumb ass shit post from tumblr that he’d uploaded to Instagram. She supposed she could call him… but she needed _Cheryl._ Cheryl was the only one who could help.

She took another shuddering breath and tried to stop shaking, biting her lip and wiping at her cheeks, to no avail. The tears kept falling, her chest squeezed up tight, her small body curled in on itself in the back room of Le Bonne Nuit.

“Toni?” The call came from outside and she swore, scrambling away and into this tiny little broom closet. She heard him come stomping in, heard Veronica’s stammering apologies, and tried to make her sobs as quiet as possible. She’d never been this scared, not even _before_ , but right now – she couldn’t do it, she just couldn’t.

And, just as she thought he was about to leave, her phone rung. _I Kissed A Girl_ came bursting from her phone and the door was swung open, the tiny cupboard flooded with light.

Veronica was crying, yelling at him to _leave, goddammit!,_ but he wasn’t concentrating on Ronnie – his full concentration was on her.

Thick fingers around her wrist. A fist to her chest. A hand around her neck. She fumbled for her phone and dropped it – heard it smash, yelled and screamed and cried and then _gave up_ , watching as Ronnie called Cheryl and yelled at her, watched, as if from a distance, as he ripped at her apron and thrust his knee between her trembling legs, watched the tears fall down her slowly-purpling cheeks.

And Veronica was getting the police, now, but she knew they wouldn’t help. They never had. She wanted to yell at Ronnie not to watch, to go away, but she also thought – hoped – that maybe if Veronica stayed, he wouldn’t hurt her quite so badly.

“ _Please_ ,” the whisper broke from her lips, and suddenly she was back in her body and she could feel _pain_ , pain, everywhere. “Stop… please.”

She couldn’t breathe, his hand was tightening around her throat, and then, just as she thought she was about to pass out and go completely blank, there was a crash and FP Jones was throwing punches every which way, and she fell to the floor and curled into a tight ball.

Veronica, Betty, Josie, they were all on top of her in an instance, but she didn’t want them.

“Ch-Cheryl,” she rasped, and they all tried to convince her that her girlfriend was on her way. FP had him handcuffed, spitting in his face, but she didn’t want to look. She just cried and cried, huge, gasping sobs that rendered her trembling and thrashing about while Veronica tried to calm her.

She heard, rather than saw, FP lead him out, and suddenly it was much quieter, the only sound remaining being her long cries and Josie’s soothing sounds. She was grateful for them, she was, but… Cheryl.

The aforementioned redhead burst in ten minutes later, her face tear streaked and sweaty. “Shit… Toni… _fuck_.”

Toni’s breath caught and she looked up, scrambling frantically before hurtling towards Cheryl, burying her face in the redhead’s neck with her legs giving out beneath her.

“Toni…” Cheryl whispered again, and Toni, if possible, cried harder. “I’m so sorry – I should’ve –”

“Don’t,” Veronica said quietly. “Let her be.”

And so Cheryl did. She pulled Toni carefully over to the spare bed Veronica had set up when she didn’t live at home and twisted her gently so that she was seated in her lap. Toni was shaking violently, shivering and crying, and Veronica brought over a blanket and wrapped it around their shoulders. “I’m gonna get some hot drinks,” she whispered. “Betty… Josie, come with me, please.”

They left, and Cheryl was grateful. She didn’t talk, not trusting her words, not trusting her instincts. She just wanted to _protect_ Toni, to hold her until she fixed everything. She wanted to _fix_ everything, to kill Toni’s stupid uncle, to leave the stupid town they lived in and run away to somewhere where they were could be safe, alone, and _happy._

Toni’s back shook, her small frame trembling in Cheryl’s hold. She looked up, her eyes broken and her neck bruising already. “Cher…” Her voice was soft, needy and weak.

“I’m here, baby,” Cheryl whispered, pulling her closer. “I’m not letting you go.”

“Thank you,” Toni whispered, more sobs overtaking her body. Cheryl held her, letting her cry, her heart breaking over and over as her normally-strong girlfriend cried broken notes into her chest.

Five minutes later, when Toni’s sobs still haven’t lessened, Veronica and the girls returned with hot chocolate and a warm jacket. Cheryl took the jacket, pulling her own hoodie off and over Toni’s head, then slipping Veronica’s jacket on over the top. Toni was still shivering, eyes wide and scared, like a baby deer.

“Thank you,” Cheryl whispered, taking the cocoa from Veronica’s hand. She gently tilted Toni’s head up, looking down at her. “You want some, baby?”

Toni shook her head, tears falling in a steady stream.

“Shh… hey, it’ll make you feel better,” Cheryl promised. She took Toni’s face gently in her hand and brought the cup up to Toni’s lip. “Just a little bit, my love,” she whispered. “Please.”

Toni sipped, not trusting herself to take it from Cheryl. The redhead saw no issue in this and fed the cocoa to her girlfriend diligently, letting Toni take as much or as little as she wanted.

Eventually, the smaller girl shook her head and pushed it away with a sigh, cuddling back into Cheryl.

“Let’s go home, baby,” Cheryl said softly, pulling Toni up. Toni flinched, crying out and starting to flail, and Cheryl’s eyes widened and she quickly sat down back on the bed, pulling her girlfriend close. “It’s alright… shh, you’re okay,” Cheryl murmured, rocking her oh-so-gently.

Toni’s mind flashed with memories, and she leant desperately into Cheryl with a sad mewl, closing her eyes to try and block out the thoughts.

But it was no use. They were there, and they were hurting her. More than anything had ever hurt before.

“Can you tell me what’s going on in there?” Cheryl asked softly, tapping her temple. Toni opened her eyes and looked up into Cheryl’s. She really _didn’t_ want to talk about it… but maybe if she did, it would hurt less… in the long run.

“No-not with…” she looked around, over to Betty and Veronica and Josie.

“Of course,” Josie nodded, pulling her friends out behind her. “We’ll be back to check on you both in a bit, okay?”

“Thanks, Jos,” Cheryl flashed her a quick smile before turning back to Toni. “Only if you’re comfortable, TT.”

“He… used to h-hit me,” Toni whispered, feeling a hot blush spread up the back of her neck. She rested her head on Cheryl’s shoulder, wrapping her arms tighter around herself. “A-and… I don’t know what to call it… sexually assault me?”

Cheryl’s face had gone pale, her eyes wide as she pulled Toni closer.

“Every n-night,” she said hesitantly. “H-he’d come home and find… find something wrong… m-my grades, the h-house… dinner, _anything_. And th-then he’d p-punish me.”

“Punish,” Cheryl repeated, horror clear on her pale face. “ _Punish_ you?”

“Y-yeah?” Toni asked, insecurity shining through. “Sorry…”

“No,” Cheryl said quickly. “Don’t be sorry. I’m really glad you’re telling me this… I just, can’t wrap my head around how anyone could _hurt_ you.”

“Well, he did,” Toni said, a weak attempt at a joke.

“I know,” her girlfriend’s face is just… shocked. “I just can’t get how…”

Toni shrugged. “I probably deserved it… he made sure I did.”

“You did _not_ ,” Cheryl hissed, grabbing Toni’s face roughly in her hands and resting their foreheads together. “No one, TT, _no one_ , and _especially_ not you – deserves to be abused. Okay?”

“Okay,” Toni said meekly.

“I’m really, _really_ grateful you told me,” Cheryl whispered, looking right into Toni’s watery eyes. “It means so much to me that you trust me enough to let me in… I know it’s hard for you.”

More tears sprung to Toni’s eyes at Cheryl’s words. “O-of course I trust you,” she whispered. “I just… sometimes I feel stupid… insignificant, like it doesn’t really matter what he did because it was so long ago… because it didn’t leave any lasting damage.”

“It’s _definitely_ valid,” Cheryl promised. “And I _want_ to know, TT. I want to know every single freaking thing about you.”

A tiny smile played on Toni’s lips. “Thank you for coming here,” she mumbled. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Of course. Sorry I didn’t pick up straight away.”

Toni shook her head. “You’re here now… that’s what matters.” She looked up, wide eyes seeking Cheryl’s. “I love you.”

Cheryl’s eyes met hers, warm, kind and loving. “I love you too,” she muttered.

Toni fell asleep shortly after, snuggled up to Cheryl’s chest on the fold out bed, her fist clenching the front of Cheryl’s top and a little strand of hair floating up and down in time with her breathing. Cheryl held her tighter than ever, her mind whirring, soothing Toni’s cries whenever they surfaced. And Toni –  she felt loved. For the first time in her life, someone had stopped her uncle – had stopped him, taken him away, and proceeded to make her feel better. It wasn’t as if all her problems had been magically solved, but they were sure as hell on their way to being so.


	34. Monopoly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just fluff, a little tiny smidge of smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love you all so much, the comments from my last chapter were so damn beautiful that i cried and i plan to reply to each and every one while i have science next period, because i don't give a crap about chem.   
> comments, kudos, prompts are all appreciated, love you all so much   
> have a lovely day, cuties xx

“Pay attention to meeee,” Toni whined, poking at Cheryl’s shoulder from her position crosslegged on the floor. “Weekends are for fun… not _homework_.”

Cheryl snorted, pushing her glasses up her nose as she drew her gaze away from the trig textbook to look down at her girlfriend, who looked _adorable_ in a onesie and her glasses. “I have to finish this, Toni.”

“Nah, you don’t,” Toni scrunched her face up. “You know what you have to finish? Me.”

Cheryl snickered. “No, babe. Let me finish this chapter and then I’m all yours, okay?” She turned back to her books, picking up the pen, but was stopped by a small, consistent finger poking her thigh. “Toni…”

“I’m not gonna stop poking you til you give me attention,” Toni grinned childishly. “I’m _alone_ , Cher, and you’re doing _math_ rather than doing _me_.”

Cheryl couldn’t help but laugh. “So that’s what this is… a ploy for sex, huh?”

Toni, with a twinkle in her eye, frowned as if she was offended. “No… of course not.”

“Sure,” Cheryl said, giving up with a smile and pushing her books away. “Come up here, TT.”

Toni’s face lit up and she scrambled up until she was seated in the large chair on Cheryl’s lap. “Better,” she mumbled, nuzzling closer into her girlfriend. She butted her head against Cheryl’s, eyes bright. “Let’s do something.”

“Do what?” Cheryl asked, her chest shaking with laughter at her girlfriend’s antics.

“Hmm,” Toni’s face lost it’s grin as she thought and Cheryl’s chest warmed as she watched the smaller girl. “Ooh! Can we play monopoly?”

“Monopoly?” Cheryl asked incredulously. “I thought you were gonna ask if we could make out for hours.”

Toni smirked. “I mean… you said it, not me.”

“Monopoly,” Cheryl grinned at her. “We’ll make out later. If you want to play monopoly, babe, we’ll play monopoly.”

“Heh,” Toni was proud of herself. She pushed herself backwards off Cheryl’s lap. “Where do you keep it?”

“Downstairs, in the parlour,” Cheryl laughed, watching as her girlfriend ran down the stairs. She turned the desk lamp off and set her glasses down, closing her books before following Toni down.

“Found it!” The cry came four or five minutes later from the parlour and Cheryl brought through two hot mugs of tea and a bag of chocolate honeycomb.

“Ooh,” Toni said, looking up from where she was sitting on the floor, setting up the board. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cheryl chuckled. “You only love me when I bring chocolate, huh?”

“And tea,” Toni quipped, and Cheryl smiled, handing it down to her and sitting down gracefully next to her girlfriend. Toni bit her lip, eyes excited, and so it begun.

0o0o0

“Little _jerk_ ,” Cheryl laughed. “That’s not fair, TT, I’m gonna be broke!”

Toni cocked her head with a smile. “Pay up.”

Cheryl sighed, handing over the fifteen hundred dollars with a groan. “You need to land on my property, now.” _Roll a four, roll a four._

“Two,” Toni grinned, moving her little piece to the community chest and smiling victoriously. “ _It’s your birthday. Collect $100 from each player_.”

Cheryl groaned dramatically. “Stop taking my _money_ ,” she pouted. “I can’t lose, Toni!”

“Really?” Toni asked innocently. “Seems like you are?”

Cheryl scrunched her face up, trying to stop the smile that fell over her lips as she threw her properties down and moved around the board to straddle Toni.

“Admitting defeat, Blossom?” Toni asked, wetting her lips.

Cheryl narrowed her eyes. “Merely putting a temporary pause to the game in lieu of… other activities.”

“You like when I win?” Toni said cheekily. “Kinky, much?”

“ _No,_ ” Cheryl whispered, mortified. Toni was cackling, her hands dropping the dice and snaking around to rest on Cheryl’s waist.

“It’s okay, baby,” she giggled. “I’m very attractive when I win.”

Cheryl glared at her, scooting backwards off her girlfriend’s lap. “And to think I was gonna kiss you…”

Toni pulled her back with a pout. “Noo… I want kisses.”

“Do you?” Cheryl asked. “Really?”

Toni nodded eagerly. “Please.”

Cheryl laughed. “Let me win, then.”

“That’s blackmail.”

“Well… you know, you wanted it…”

Toni growled childishly, pulling Cheryl forward with a pout and pressing her lips to Cheryl’s.

“Hey!” Cheryl said. “I haven’t won yet!”

“You’re not winning,” Toni said lowly. She brought her hands up to hold Cheryl’s face and took her lips carefully with a sigh, closing her eyes. Cheryl hummed, pressing closer, her lips opening slightly as Toni’s tongue ran along them, seeking entrance. She kissed her passionately and it wasn’t long before the monopoly game was forgotten, both girls’ moving languidly against the other.

“U-upstairs,” Toni panted.

Cheryl moaned, a hand snaking down to hold tightly to Toni’s thigh, rubbing herself against her girlfriend. Toni sat up with a groan, pulling Cheryl up and along with her towards their bedroom. The monopoly game was forgotten.


	35. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically just hurt comfort fluff. Panic attack trigger warning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for ghosting you all! been writing a heap with theauthenticme (check her out!) and kinda lost inspiration and then i had exams and then some stuff happened and then i spent all last night watching euphoria over and over so... oops.  
> but im back! and i have a few weeks off as of friday so hopefully ill be back more... also hiatus sucks so bye inspiration! please send me prompts... i need help to be inspired... please... prompts... otherwise im just gonna go write rules fics and embarrass myself with the amount i love zendaya.  
> love you all! keep well! send through those prompts and comments! ily!
> 
> edit: i'm also starting a long... loosely related oneshot collection based on a prompt list. up to part 11 for that, i'll post the first bit later. please check it out once i do!! xx

“Cher?”

Cheryl harrumphs, burying deeper into Toni’s chest.

“Cheryl, baby, come talk to me.”

She pouts. “Don’t wanna.”

“And why, my love, would that be?”

“Tired.”

“Grumpy ass,” Toni chuckles, fiddling with Cheryl’s hair.

“Am _not_ ,” Cheryl whines, rolling away. “Don’ be mean.”

“I’m not,” Toni promises. “Did something happen?”

“No,” Cheryl frowns. “Just tired.”

“Okay, baby,” Toni says. “How about I go get us some dinner and then we can watch a movie?”

“Okay,” Cheryl says, rolling back over to strap one of her legs over Toni’s waist.

“Cher,” Toni laughs softly. “The part of ‘me going to get us some dinner’ means that I actually have to go get us dinner.”

“Nooo,” Cheryl pouts, looking up, embarrassing tears pricking at her eyes. “Don’ leave me.”

“But dinner, Cher.”

Cheryl shakes her head stubbornly. In all honesty, she’s been on the verge of a panic attack all day and she’s sure that with the tiniest of triggers she’ll be reduced to tears, so Toni being _right_ next to her is a must.

“Cheryl…”

“ _No, Toni_.” She looks up, eyes watering. “No.”

“Cher,” Toni says gently. “Sweetie? Talk to me.”

Cheryl pouts, shaking her head. “Don’ wanna.”

“Well, missy moo,” Toni grins, tickling Cheryl’s side lightly. “I don’t really want you to be sad, but I can’t help if you won’t tell me what’s upsetting you.”

“I don’t know,” Cheryl whimpers. “Ev’rythin hurts.”

Toni giggles slightly at her girlfriend’s childish lilt. “C’mon, Cher, have some food and you’ll feel better.”

“I said _no_ , Toni!”

“Okay, okay, chill,” Toni says quickly, rubbing Cheryl’s arm. “It’s okay.”

“’S not,” Cheryl moans. “T…”

Toni sighs. “Cher, c’mon, babe, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’ know,” Cheryl says, snuggling closer in to her girlfriend. She looks up, starting to cry. “I don’ know.”

“Okay, sweetie,” Toni murmurs. “Okay. Snuggle down, Cher, okay? I got you.”

Cheryl buries her face in Toni’s neck, her body shaking with sudden sobs. “T-Toni…”

“Right here, baby. You’re alright… take a deep breath, it’s okay. Breathe for me, Cheryl…”

Cheryl takes a shuddering breath. “N-No air.”

“There is, sweetie. I promise there is. Here –” she takes her hand and grabs Cheryl’s, placing the redhead’s hand over her chest so it’s easy to copy. “With me now, okay?”

“K-Kay,” Cheryl shudders, almost gasping now. “To – Toni – Toni!”

“You’re okay, Cher, I’m right here.”

“Don’t leave me!”

“I’ve _got_ you,” Toni coos, running her hands over Cheryl’s back before reaching up to put her hand on Cheryl’s teary face. “Deep breath again, kay?”

Cheryl sucks in a long breath before letting out a long whine, twisting away from Toni as she sinks further and further into her mind.

“Hey… hey, baby…” Toni murmurs softly, pulling out of the bed as Cheryl moans lowly and curls into a tight, shaking ball. “I’m here, you’re okay… open your eyes, Cheryl… I’m right here.”

Cheryl shakes her head, choking on her cries. “I c-can’t…”

“You can, gorgeous,” Toni whispers, crouching down next to Cheryl’s side of the bed and stroking the redhead’s cheek with her thumb. “You can, open your eyes please…”

Cheryl’s eyes crack open and more tears fall, her chest heaving. She leans up into Toni’s touch, tears rolling down her face as she looks worriedly to her girlfriend. “T-TT…”

“Just here, baby… can I come hold you?”

Cheryl nods, lips in a tiny pout. “Y-Yes please…”

Toni hops up and lays back down on the bed, opening her arms out. “Come here, Cher.” She pulls her girlfriend into her arms, peppering kisses across her head. “I got you… I got you…”

Cheryl nods, sniffing softly as she struggles to catch her breath. She _hates_ this, hates that she’s reduced to such panic and can never calm down without Toni’s help. “T-Toni, I –”

“Shh, baby,” Toni murmurs. “Don’t talk… just breathe with me.”

Cheryl nods silently, chest heaving as she breathes purposefully in time with Toni’s. She’s feeling better now – exhausted and ashamed but better nevertheless.

“Toni.”

“No, Cheryl,” Toni says again. “Rest, baby… don’t talk to me.”  
Cheryl’s only too happy to oblige. “I-I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Toni says simply. “You never need to say sorry to me.”

Cheryl shrugs, tears brimming in her eyes again.

“You _don’t_ , Cher. I promise.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”


End file.
